Work work work

Last night sleep wise .. BAD! I fought and fought, and then fought some more with an anxiety attack, but I think it won. I took an extra pill, but I was having a rough time. And why ... because I knew I had to work the next two days and the supervisor I would have to see is the lovely male one!!!!! Now tell me that's not ridiculous???? To go through that much, just knowing I'd have to see him!


I got a call today from a co-worker to see if I could come in at 2 to cover for her because she totally forgot she had a doctor appointment at 3:30 which was an hour away. So sure ... I can do that, never had a problem with the lady ... I'll come in an hour early and help her out! So I get there, first good thing ... the icky supervisor, poor guy, was out sick!!! Hated to hear that!!! :) So party on! Got report on the ICU (another SCORE) and headed up to take a guy to CAT scan. So far great night! I do all my things that needed done, and then headed down to the department and who is sitting there ... TERA! I didn't know she was working ... was SO happy to see her! We spent most of the night talking and catching up, which was very nice!
I had a couple emails from my female supervisor that I like (but was having issues with), and ended up getting a little upset. So I write back, remind her I shared my orange chocolate (LOVE those) that Shanna was kind enough to stick in my locker for working 7-11 for her. Finally we worked things out, and all was well ... I even surprised her with more chocolate and got a big 'ole hug and kiss from her! All the problems between us were miss understandings and lack of communication. Go figure! Again, I was given call (not just one, but two) ... and was NOT happy. But looked at the nights, and told her I'd keep them. She was under the impression I wanted call, but now knows not to assign them to me unless I sign up. So problem solved. Easy enough. If I would have said something when I was given call on Christmas it wouldn't have happened at all this time. But oh well ... live and learn!
Right as we were getting ready to leave at 11, a code was called ... so of course do I leave? Heck no! Tera and I both go! We were hoping for something cool ... but it was nothing! Just a whitenessed arrest, however he was breathing on his own, heart rate, etc when they arrived ... but man oh man was he fighting!!!!! It took a few fire fighters, myself, nurses, etc to hold him down WHILE he was strapped to the board!!! Personally ... I think it was a drug over dose ... but did the Dr. take my advice I gave multiple times? Of course not!

But after 25 minutes of pushing drugs into him to knock out someone over twice his size, he STARTED to chill. So I decided to head out! So, a little OT today! :)

Counseling

Today's counseling went well ... I wanted to talk about the whole Kaylie incident to see is she thought I did the right thing, but we ran out of time! It's amazing how quickly an hour goes by!
Today we talked about my panic attacks, I'm to keep a journal of them ... what I was doing when (and before) it started, symptoms, and what I did to get over it. I'm also suppose to keep a food journal, not like a diet journal ... just the food (not portions). She said since I have my attacks around the same time (for the most part) it could be a food allergy. So who knows!!

We also talked about how I'm always beating myself up for everything, blaming myself for everything. So she said she's going to go over some tactics to help stop that, she learned them from a book (The Inner Critic I think was the name) and said I didn't need to buy it, but to feel free to if I wanted. So of course I want to, because I'm weird like that. She thinks it might be out of print, so ebay here I come! :)

Merry Christmas

Wierdest Christmas ever ... all I have to say!

We slept in (way in), got up ... didn't do much, but talk on the phone to my parents, sister and her family, and then my brother and his family. Bryce was WAY cute about the dog Santa brought him .... a REAL dog!!! :)

I have on my comfy flannel striped PJ pants from Old Navy (under the cuff is satin and says ho ho ho). And my Meet me under the Mistletoe t-shirt from Target. I wanted the Bah Humbug one, but they only had mediums. Not sure why I didn't get one at Old Navy! So I'm festive! :)

We went out for Chinese for dinner (no I didn't wear my PJ's there ... I got dressed), which was good ... but I didn't want to leave. I felt close to Chingy there for some reason. Closest to China I could be I guess!

I hope everyone had a WONDERFUL Christmas!!!!!

Christmas Eve

Still not feeling at all like Christmas! We ran around a bit this morning, grocery store, liquor store, etc ... then we came home, cleaned the house, and fixed dinner in time for my Father in law to come over for dinner and exchange gifts. I even had time to stick a Let It Snow "wreath" on the door, and decorate a wreath with ornaments for the wall. (That's our tree)
Nothing grand was made ... Stouffers Lasagna (both meat and veggie) and yummy garlic bread. Of course a salad, and a store bought cake for desert. I also had some yummy garlic dip and crackers, as well as chips and dip prior to dinner. (Barely touched I might add)

But we ate, visited, opened gifts, and that was that. We each got an ornament (Bart his usual Hallmark Son ornament, and I got a beautiful angel). Then we got some odds and ends, and a check for China (love those). He got the dogs each treats, so they of course loved that.

He didn't really stay long, and he left. I went down and finished my Christmas cards (I made three) for the neighbors and ran and delivered them (I stuck them in the front doors). All but one was delivered because they were sitting by the front door (I could see in the window), and I didn't want to intrude on there Christmas Eve. So I'll catch them tomorrow.

For whatever reason Bart came to bed early, he's been watching TV. I gave myself a facial ... Philosophy Oxygen Peel (a gift I bought for myself) and my face feels REALLY good!!! Prior to that I took a shower and trimmed my hair some. :)

I wanted to go to the 11 PM Christmas Eve service, but Bart didn't want to (although when I asked again later, he said fine ... but I didn't want to agrue about it). I thought that would be a nice thing to do this year, especially since I'm so bah humbugish .... but oh well. We didn't even drive around and look at Christmas lights this year! Such an off year!!!

Teenagers .... bring 'em on

My niece and I are very close. Ever since she was little she's been more like a little sister than a niece, and I've been more like an older sister than an aunt. When she was young, she'd say, "you aren't my aunt" ... which would always hurt my feelings. But then she got older and could explain that I wasn't like an aunt, I was like a sister. Which I was ... I spent my breaks from school with her, etc. My sister is 12 years older than me, and I'm 14 years older than Kaylie ... so it's kind of the same.
So she tells me EVERYTHING, more than I'd ever want to know. She comes to me for advice, comes to me when something's wrong, when she breaks up with a boyfriend, any and everything. She calls me when she's out, comes over a lot to "hang out" (mostly she eats). She's now 16, which isn't the easiest of ages ... not to mention, she has that funky birthday where you can either start school or wait a year. They started her, so everyone in her classes are a year older. So I've been called late at night with crises, over normal teenage things (so and so said this about me). I've been called when she's at a party (when she shouldn't be) where everyone is drunk and she doesn't know what to do because she just has her learners permit (at least for a couple more weeks) and she knew better to drive without a license with a car full of underage drunks. (That night a friend that was sober came to get them) She knows she can tell me and ask me anything and it goes nowhere UNLESS I feel she's in danger, and then I will tell her parents.
So tonight we're at Bart's cousins having our annual Christmas party, and Bart's cell phone rings (I told her I wouldn't be home, if she needed me to call him), he hands it to me. She was just calling to talk, she was bored. I told her I was at Bart's cousins and I couldn't just talk that I was sorry. Made sure everything was okay, then hung up. Then during dinner (embarrassing) the phone rings, hands it to me ... she had been drinking (1.5 beers) and was just calling again. I excuse myself from the table, tell her no more drinking, she'd had enough ... and that I was in the middle of a family dinner, do not call again unless you need me. Then walk back to the table. Gave Bart back his phone and rolled my eyes.
So we ate (YUMMY food), had desert, some people had left, and we were just sitting around chatting. The phone rings, Bart answers ... then hands it to me ... "Abby, I'm sorry for calling (sobbing), but can you please come and get me?" I find out what's wrong ... it seems her boyfriend got trashed, did some pot (which she was NOT happy about) and started yelling at her. Called her a whore, told her she sleeps around, and other bad things I'm not even repeating. I said, we'll be right there ... but we're an hour and a half away. I told her to call her parents. She wouldn't because they'd be mad (like I wasn't), so I asked to talk to Rodney (the boyfriend) and she wouldn't let me, because she's afraid it would make it worse. So I found out where she was ... A HOTEL!!! I apologized, and we left to get her! I called her back as soon as we got in the car, and this time I got to hear Rodney in the background .... I SO wanted to get my hands on him!! How dare he talk to my niece that way!!!!! I told Kaylie to get away from him (I was afraid of what he'd do), to go to the lobby where there were people around. I told her we'd get there as soon as we could, but to stay away from him. Hung up ... she calls a little later to let me know he left and she was thinking about just staying there. Ummmm no! We are coming to get you, you are NOT staying in a hotel where pot had been smoked, and minors were drinking! Geesh!!!!
So finally we get there ... she comes out, gets in the car and UGH the smell!!!! So she gets my lecture on the way home. She kept saying I know I know ... I didn't even want to be there, but nobody would take me home. Again I said, that's when you call your mom! (Right, like a teen is going to do that)
We get home, I get her clothes to put on and throw all of hers in the washer. Tell her to take a shower, but she wouldn't. She ate, and then started watching a movie. By now it's about midnight .... around one the phone rings, Bart answers and it's my sister looking for Kaylie, worried sick! Bart said she's fine, she's here. And Brenda said, tell her Brian is on his way to get her and hung up!!!!!! Great! It was my understanding she had called her parents to let them know she was staying with me, but they were asleep. It was also my understanding they thought she was staying at a friends house. So I didn't bother calling my sister because of the time, and I didn't want to wake her to worry her over nothing. It seems my sister had been calling everywhere for FOUR hours looking for Kaylie, and finally her friend told the truth! So again, Kaylie gets another lecture from me ... she said her parents are over protective, blah blah blah ... everything I thought at that age. And she said, they thought I was at Britney's. (Did I mention her cell phone was dead, and she didn't charge it when we got home like I told her to?) So now I'm like great ... I'm in trouble too! Kaylie's freaking not knowing what to tell them ... hello, the truth works! I explained how telling the truth not only shows responsibility but she would get in less trouble. But no, she was still running stories through her head. So Bart gives her the telling the truth speech, and how we were in trouble too. That she didn't like ... she almost cried, she looked at me and said, "I don't want you in trouble, I'm sorry". I said, just tell the truth ... you know I won't lie for you. If your parents ask either Bart or I questions I will tell them the truth, it will sound better coming from you. Then I said, you don't need to be worried about me being in trouble ... I've been in trouble before, not a big deal. You need to worry about what you did tonight, and know what could have happened. Of course gave her a hug, told her I loved her, and if I had to do the whole thing over I would. (She said, I wouldn't!)
So Brian shows up, walks in .... "Kaylie get in the car, and apologize to these two for involving them in your drama" Out the door she went with Brian behind her yelling already. I felt horrible, I would have had her home had I known that's where she was to be!!!!!

The best I've ever looked

So, today I went to my shrink and he tells me that I look the best that he's ever seen me! Now how's that? Guess the meds are starting to work! No changes were made, so we're on our way! I still have good and bad days, but I'm dealing. Last week he increased one of my meds 2 mg a day, and I decided I didn't want to ... so I didn't. I told him today, and he said that was fine, but if I needed to ... it was there. It's just one less thing for my body to get use to, and less to come off of. And if I can function without the extra, why take it? Yes by taking it, I'd feel even better ... but I'm opting not to. So good appointment, and not another for 4 weeks! :)

Bart got home from work and we went over to Mo's to take her computer that Bart had fixed. Matt was so cute ... he's all ready for Santa, and he sat on his lap and asked for toys! Adorable!

After we left Mo's we went to eat (Mexican) and then a quick (well, it was meant to be) stop at Kohls. I was going in to check out the necklaces, and get a strapless bra. Seven bra's later (non strapless I might add) and a necklace I left. Most of the bra's I got last month or whenever that was, don't really fit right. I'd love to find a bra that fits right and is comfortable! Is there such a thing?? We'll see if any of these 7 work, if not ... they're going back!

That's about it ... nothing too exciting! Just a normal day really.

What a day!

Today's one of those days that when you look back on it, it feels like it's been a couple days! But nope, just one ... one of those LONG days that you fit WAY too much in.

I started my morning with an 8AM (and you all know how I LOVE morning appointments) appointment with a nurse at my Cardiologists office to get my lovely heart monitor! Such a fun thing to wear! And to think I have this for a month ... ugh! I feel so old! If I wear this stupid thing for a month and they find out nothing, I will be mad!!

After my appointment we went to breakfast, which was YUMMY!!! I had a spinach and artichoke quiche. Love those things! And they're just the right size! We then went to the dreaded store we both HATE to look for a stupid pink tinsel Christmas tree. We found one, it was small ... 10 bucks, but prelit. So we got it, even though it wasn't what I wanted. I then had an anxiety attack and we quickly left the store. (We were on the way out anyway) Next we ran home, I grabbed my calendar and notebook ... dropped off the tree, and off we went to my therapy appointment. Bart dropped me off then went to UPS to drop off some packages, then to get his car washed.

Therapy ...
Another book to buy ... well, two! One I don't have to buy, but I want to. The other comes on CD, and she suggested going that route so I can hear the techniques, pause the CD and try. We'll see. I still need to get the other she wanted me to get. So we talked about me (betcha didn't think that would happen in therapy), and how things have been. **I wrote everything except finishing about my counseling session until now 1-1-06, and now I have no idea what else to write! :) I guess that's why you should do it all at once, or leave yourself notes!***

Next stop ... JoAnn's. I was determined now to find my tree! Last week when we were there they had ONE silver tinsel (even though I wanted pink) tree, so I went back to check it out. Ended up getting a green one, garland, lights, and some other odds and ends. 50 bucks! Too much for a stupid tree and stuff to decorate when we have all the stuff we need here! So we get home, and of course start arguing about the whole tree situation. That's about the time my parents arrived ... perfect timing! :) Bart visited for a little bit, then left to take everything back to JoAnn's. I was on a mad rush to make Kaylie a journal, which turned out adorable (forgot to take a picture), wrap everything, and make a few letters. Mom did a few things around my room ... trying to pick up. She made piles, so now my organized mess is in piles and I can't find anything ... but she was trying to help! I felt bad because I couldn't visit much because I was busy running around like an idiot. I finished everything JUST in time to leave though!

We made it to Brenda's, who's house looked beautiful all decorated. I think she had a tree in every room. (That makes up for the lack of things here) After everyone was ready, we were off to the Japanese Steak house for dinner. Brian, Kaylie, and I took my car ... Kaylie drove (Bart didn't like the idea, nor did he want to be in the car). She did a very good job. She's a little over confident with some things, but a lot of it comes with experience I think. She's cautious though, she did great! Just a couple more weeks and she gets her license!

Dinner was yummy, I had avocado sushi, and tofu sushi ... both YUMMMM! Kaylie gave it a try, but spit it out. Bart had some, but nobody else cared for any. Then of course the whole performance of dinner .... so fun watching them cook! And the fried rice is SO good!!! After dinner we went back to Brenda's ... another good driving job by Kaylie ... this time Nick joined in for the ride. We took a detour and looked at Christmas lights, which was nice. We saw some beautiful houses! Shortly after we got back to Brenda's, we were opening gifts and eating cookies and what not! Bart got an Atari from my parents and I got an adorable shoe for my collection, a purse my mom had made, (I had picked out the material and designed it a few years ago ... totally forgot about it) which is BEAUTIFUL, we also got a HUGE wall clock which we needed. Bart and I got a very nice check from my parents for China. From my sisters family I got a big black bag my sister had ordered to say, "Chosen by God, so you could be chosen by us" or something like that. The lettering was in pink ... very cool! I also got the cutest sock/slippers! SO soft! Bart got a book. And inside the bag a nice card with money for China. Gotta love my family!

Shopping

Today Bart took off work, and we went and finished our Christmas shopping. First stop was Toys R Us where we found a VERY cool remote control dragon for my little nephew!! He'll love it!!! Great find Bart!
Then it was off to my favorite mall, filled with my favorite stores!!!! I spent over an hour in Sephora (LOVE that place) and came out with tons of great goodies! I bought Kaylie a great packaged gift of Philosophy stuff, then I'm going to make a journal to go with it and write about each thing ... like purity, grace, etc. Then of course I bought myself PLENTY of goodies!
VERY upset that Lindt discontinued amaretto truffles!!!! How dare they? So I had to settle for stupid Hazelnut ... and I'm not happy at all!!!!! Bart was even sweet enough to check Godiva to see if they had amaretto truffles while I was in J Jill. It was a no go.

So the shopping is done ... I still need to get Bart a few things, but it can wait. Now I just need to make Kaylie's journal tonight (since we're exchanging tomorrow), and wrap everything.

Monday, Monday ....

Geesh, now I'm singing that song! :) No surprise, right?

Anyway ... I work tonight 7-11, no biggie. I'm interested to see my response to my email I sent regarding the schedule. And I like 7-11's because I get to work with my night shift people. And then ... I'm off until next Thursday! Can't beat that! I work Thursday and Friday .. both 3-7's which I HATE! Getting off at a decent time is nice ... but management is there, dinner trays come out when I need the patients. I just don't like it. But it's 4 hours, so who cares?

Haven't heard a thing about Shyam. He called last week on his cell phone (which he's not suppose to have) and said he'd call back later with a payphone number we could call him at, but so far he hasn't. It's not that I'm worried about him, because I know he's safe, getting the care and help he needs, and it's a good place. I just miss him. I tried to get Bart to call his Dad last night to see how Shyam was doing, but he wouldn't. He told me I could call myself, which is true, but I feel weird doing so. Not to mention, Shyam's Dad likes Bart more than me. I don't even know when he's expected to get out! Shyam told me how long he'd probably be in when he called to tell me he was going there, but we were both on cell phones, and the connection sucked. So I didn't really hear it. So hopefully we'll hear from him soon.

I have some Christmas cards to make (think I waited long enough?), which needs to be done by tomorrow. Bart needs one for a friend, I wanted to make one to send to Shyam and his Dad, and then I thought I'd be neighborly and make 3 for our neighbors. Well, two are neighbors ... the other family lives on the end of the row (we're the third in), but we talk to them (as in hi and how are you). So what the heck ... might as well. But that's all the cards we're doing this year .... sorry guys!

The worst Christmas EVER

Okay, so it's not even Christmas yet ... but let me tell you, this is the worst one EVER!!!! This tops the one, my brother was in Panama in that stupid war and we didn't know if he was dead or alive.

Just talked with my mom and sister ... since my brother's wife has "issues" with my sister and I (which is more like issues with herself, but that's another story), they're not coming here for Christmas. Since Bryce is the youngest Grandchild, my parents want to be there for Christmas, rather than here like it's been for the past 14 years. So they're coming this week for a couple days, and we're going to the Japanese Steak House for dinner, then back to my sisters for the gift exchange on Wed. Then they're leaving Thursday morning. So, I thought well ... maybe we could go home for Christmas, there's nothing like being home for Christmas. But nope, can't do it because I'm on call Christmas day (even though I'm not even suppose to take call days, and didn't agree to it). So this will be the first Christmas I have spent without my family! I think my sister and her family will be going to spend Christmas with her mother in law since it's her first Christmas without her husband, so I won't even have them.

Okay, so I know what you're thinking ... "I thought you were skipping Christmas this year". I was ... but I didn't mean like this! I just didn't want decorations, etc ... I mean, we're never home on Christmas day anyway ... we're always at my sisters. So now, it's REALLY being skipped, and I'm devastated! I so want to just take the few stupid things I've put out and just throw them out the door! I want this month over!

I thought maybe it would be fun to do an open house for our friends ... but who's going to come over on Christmas? They'll all be with there families. Heck, even Shyam ... I don't even know if he'll be out by then! So this year, the 25th is just another day for us. No gifts, nothing .... just each other, and a baby in China.

Saturday ... You mean Christmas is soon?

Well, I got up relatively early this morning to go to JoAnn's because they were having a really good sale. Not that I needed anything, but I couldn't pass up a sale! (That's unAmerican, right?) So I go ... spend WAY too much time in there (according to Bart who drove me and waited in the car). So I come out to a cranky man! Nice ... everything was going great so far. We had a yummy breakfast (I had a spinach artichoke quiche), then went shopping. So he bites my head off about being in there over an hour, then says he's not being in a bad mood. (liar) Didn't want to hear about my brilliant idea about a Christmas tree, just was CRANKY! I call my mom to tell her my idea for a Christmas tree and how Bart refuses, so it's his fault not mine. (So mature, I know) Bryce was there, so I got to talk to him. Too cute! He called Santa today, "the REAL Santa Clause" on the phone. I asked if Santa told him he was good, and he said yes, but I was VERY bad! Then he said Santa talked WAY too much! Then he said, "You want to call him, get a pencil and paper to write this number down" ... then he read it off to me. I can't believe he's growing up so fast! I can't wait to see him, I've missed the little guy! So we go to Best Buy to return something, look at some games for possible gifts for my nephew, and then off to Target. Of course Target was crazy with people Christmas shopping, which seems so weird. It doesn't feel at all like Christmas to me at all! Writing the date at work yesterday was weird because I kept thinking, Christmas is RIGHT around the corner. But neither Bart nor I feel like Christmas this year. (Even though I had a cool idea for a tree, etc) So while in Target it hits me ... Christmas is 7 days away. We haven't gotten one gift, sent one card .. nothing! Of course tonight we purchased gifts, bought some wrapping paper ... so we're almost there. Never are we late shoppers. Then I notice all the parents shopping for there kids, and all the kids all excited. Very depressing! I so want that! I starting thinking how this is our daughters first Christmas ever, and it's not with us. I began to wonder if she'll be treated differently on that day ... will she even know? They don't celebrate Christmas in China. For almost a year I've thought I'd have a baby this Christmas, or at least be with her in China ... but it's not going to happen.

Could someone explain this?

Last schedule (began 12/04) I went PRN-emergency relief. This means, I give them dates and times I want to work rather than being scheduled X hours a week. Also, they call me when they're short or there's a call out, etc. (Not required to go in, but they call)

So the current schedule is fine ... except they scheduled me on a day I told them I wasn't available (I had a cardiologist appointment that morning and wasn't sure what would come of it, so I didn't want to worry about working that night). Everything worked out, and I went into work (after leaving voicemails, and emails asking them to please try and find someone else ... which all went ignored). I was also given a call date (Christmas) which being PRN, I'm not required to take call. I didn't complain about it, because it's really not a big deal, and I'd get paid really good to go in. But still. (I'm guessing the supervisor that does the schedule doesn't know I've gone PRN)

So the new schedule comes out (early), and guess who's on it ... me! Not once was I asked for availability, etc. (So again, I'm thinking she doesn't know ... great communication, huh?) Anyway, most of it's fine ... but there are days that are not. For example ... I told my boss I'm NEVER available on Wednesday's. (Therapy day ... which is at 10AM, so I COULD work, but trust me ... some days after therapy, you don't want me working!). So guess who's working EVERY Wednesday but one? What's up with that? So those 3 need taken off ... and then there's another one I can't work for one reason or another, I can't remember. I think it's waiting parent's meeting at our Adoption agency.

So I sent an email Friday when I worked ... we'll see if I get an answer to that! I didn't have my calendar with me, so I couldn't tell them if anything interfered with anything besides the Wednesdays. But tonight, I'll have schedule in hand so I can email.

Finally I get to sleep in

Today is the first day in I don't know how long, that I got to sleep in!! No doctors appointments (thought I had one, but was wrong), and no plans!!! For those of you who know me, sleeping in is me. I'm NOT a morning person (which is why I REFUSE to work days), I like my sleep. I know most of you are probably laughing at this point thinking ... get it while you can before that baby comes! :) I know ... my habits will have to change, but for now ... SLEEP! I slept about 12 hours and it was good sleep .... keep in mind, I haven't been sleeping, and when I would, it wasn't a good sound sleep! I could have stayed in bed longer ... it was so warm, snowing outside ... bed would have been nice. But the dogs needed out ... and since it's snowing and they LOVE playing in it ... they'll ask to be out a lot today. The idiots come in shivering!!!! Needless to say, I don't let them stay out too long ... but it's hard to get them in.

So I'm sitting here having a super protein soymilk drink and watching the snow fall. So far .... not too bad of a day!

Rehab

That's where Shyam is ... which personally, I think that's where he needs to be. I just hope he takes advantage of it this time.

He called while I was shopping today to let me know what was going on, and where he'd be, etc. He said he'd call before he left home, but he didn't (not that I'm surprised). I'm just happy he's getting help, and I hope it's the help he needs.

I talked to my therapist today about him, and spoke to her about anger management. She told me, that the best anger management (in her opinion ... and it's what she suggests to people) is AA. So, after all this is taken care of, I'm going to see if he'll attend those meetings .... I'll even go with him. We've talked about AA and NA before and he's been there, and hated it. But I think if you take it seriously and do the steps it would help. But I don't know ... I've never been in that situation.

Counseling appointment

Today's appointment was interesting ... I said more than I wish I had, but it's probably for the best. You go to counseling to get help ... so why pay the money and not share your problems?

But I did tell her about my absolutely horrid week, but how I was doing a lot better. So, I told her how everything hit rock bottom Wednesday after my Doctor appointment with "the phone call". So she asked if maybe all that was going on was why I was so depressed last week at my appointment. Ummmmmm, ya! So, of course she asked why we talked for an hour and that never came up. So stupid here blurted out without thinking ... I never talk about what's on my mind and bothering me. As soon as it comes out of my mouth, I knew it shouldn't have been! So she says, good to know. So great! Now she knows I don't talk about what needs to be talked about. So she tries to get me make a contract with her to tell her what's been on my mind the past week within the first two - five minutes of our session. Needless to say, I didn't agree to it. It's not something I'm comfortable doing, and she's fine with that. So she asked if it would be okay if she said, I know you're smiling BUT .... and I said that's fine. She said I could tell her what it was or not, or tell her what it was but I didn't want to talk about it.
She gave me the name of a book to read, so I'll need to get that ... so hate reading crap that doesn't interest me, so hopefully it's interesting.
It was a good appointment, I think she learned a lot about me ... more than I'd like her to know. But I guess that's good.

Hair Cut

I SO LOVE going to get my hair cut ... it's SO relaxing! And I might add, my salon was voted number one in the country! :) People travel from New York to have there hair done there ... crazy, you'd think you could find a good salon in New York!

Anyway, I love it ... they treat you like such royalty! You get your hair washed ... but it's not just like any wash. They do the double shampoo, and as they rinse the second was they massage your head somewhat and the back of your neck. Then, it's my favorite part ... conditioning!! Before they put the conditioner in, they come around front, give you a squirt of gel to cleanse your hands, then comes the lotion!!! Then they give you a hand treatment ... Heavenly! They massage your hands and each and every finger and it feels SO good!!! Then a hot wet towel wrapped around your hands then a dry towel. Next back to the hair ... they put the conditioner on and massage it into your scalp ... again, HEAVEN ON EARTH!!!! Especially after the week I had, it felt so good!! So they massage your head, your temples, your forehead, behind your ears ... so yummy!!! All this while you're all reclined with your feet up and your hands all snug and warm. And the fragrance smells so good and relaxing. I could have it done every day! So then they rinse your hair, come around and unwrap your hands, and walk you to your chair to get your cut. Of course before walking you, you're asked if you'd like a drink ... which if you do it's served in a very nice glass with stem!
So I get to my chair and Loree is waiting for me ... all cute and pregnant!! She looks adorable!!! So I have a seat, she gowns me up .... said I was looking good, asked if I lost weight (LOVE HER). We chatted away about the babies (she'll be having hers about the time I'm getting mine), and Shyam ... she's great! I wouldn't let anyone else touch my hair ... I told her that her maternity leave better be short or I'll be knocking on her door! :)
So I got my hair cut ... I rock ... having a GREAT day ... one of the best I've had in a long time!

Shyam update - for his fans :)

Coming home from getting my hair cut, I get a call from Shyam ... who is home. He's had a whatamacallit trial (can't remember what it's called) and he is going to meet with his lawyer later today ... in a few minutes actually.
He has a lot ahead of him, and is not really sure what's going to happen ... but I'm praying for the best.

Various ramblings

Work tonight was SO much better than Friday. My girls were there (Christi and Shanna) so we had a good time ... we were busy, but it was good to be back, especially with them! Not to mention, I wasn't crying, and I was pretty much my old self! Not to mention, I clocked out an hour late because instead of giving report I was running my mouth to Shanna! Wonder how long it will take until they ask about that one?

Still no news on Shyam ... Bart tried to call his Dad, but no answer. It's killing me not knowing what's going on. I just hope he's okay, and nothing serious has happened. Well, yes something serious obviously happened or he wouldn't be sitting in jail, but I hope it's nothing overly serious!!! And I especially hope this was a very loud wake up call for him!! Hopefully tomorrow will bring some good news!!

Neurology appointment

First let me say, thank God Bart went with me! I was a nervous wreck ... filling out the papers, I put 12-12-24!!! I was adding! :) So thankfully he was there to help me get through the paper work (which always confuses me) and help keep me as calm as he could! He's my rock!
Met with the doctor ... I liked her, very nice lady. She asked some questions, went over my MANY medications, then did a neurological exam (gotta love those). I hate squeezing fingers as hard as I can, and pushing there hands as hard as I can, etc. The last time I had a neurological exam was when I was in high school (I was passing out a lot ... they were making sure it wasn't epilepsy) and I was pretty fit, I worked out, ran, etc. My doctor was a friend of mine's Dad ... in his early 50's ... very fit man as well .. another runner. When I had to push on his hand with my foot (leg straight out, toes in the air ... you push like you would a gas peddle), I knocked him back. But this time, I didn't do that ... I so need to start working out again! Running was relaxing. By the way ... I had on toe socks (shock I know) and she freaked when she had me take my shoes off. :)
Anyway ... got all that out of the way and then we sat and chatted. I'm not stupid, I knew what she was doing ... she was watching me, seeing if I'd start moving my legs. So knowing she was doing that, I was trying my best not to ... but sure enough I did. So she told me the drugs that treat Restless Leg Syndrome, and the one she likes best. She said it's possible that my medications I'm on has intensified my fidgeting, but I couldn't remember if it had gotten worse when I started on SSRI's or not. So, she gave me a script as well as a sample pack that slowly gets me to 1 mg. She said I should notice somewhat of a difference by the time I see her again (1 month). So we shall see. So don't want to be taking another medication. I explained to her that I was a fidgety person, and always have been ... especially when I'm nervous, I use to drive the people around me in school crazy at test time!!! I usually got to sit at a table by myself! :)
Haven't started the med yet ... I'll probably start it this weekend when Bart's around in case I have some funky side effect. And of course, there's a possibility it can make my anxiety worse (lovely). So if that happens, I'm to stop taking it and give her a call. So we shall see!!!
The pharmaceutical companies must LOVE me!!!

Thank God for Mom's

I know everyone didn't grow up with the opportunity of having parents like mine, which is unfortunate. I never really knew how great they were until I got older and learned how other people had it, and couldn't believe how naive I was not to have noticed it before. Don't get me wrong, I knew there were starving kids out there, kids without parents, I even knew some were abused ... but for whatever reason it never clicked.

Today after I received "the phone call", I immediately called Bart to let him know. He didn't have much time to talk as he was walking into a meeting ... but said what he could and told me it would be okay. I got off the phone with him, and lost it ..... I was worried, scared, I didn't know what to think or do. I didn't know how things like this were (I thought they were like they were on TV) ... so you can imagine what I'm pictureing. I needed to talk to somebody, or I wasn't sure what would happen ... I needed somebody!!! So I call my mom (at work), and when she answered I said (trying my hardest to hold back tears), please pray for Shyam ... I'm not that good at those kind of things, and you are. Of course I couldn't hold back the tears through that sentance .... so I explained what happened. And my mom being the person she is, knew exactly what to say. And she also informed me I was good at praying.
I felt like such an idiot calling my mom, at work, crying ... I'm 30 years old! I don't like to bother my mom with my problems, I don't want her worrying about me. But there I was crying on her shoulder over the phone. And after we talked ... more like she talked and I cried, she did what she has done my whole life, "Take a deep breath, take another one, one more". My eyes were closed and I could picture her holding me like she has so many times I've needed her, and I could almost feel her taking the deep breath with me as I always have. What would I do without her? Both of my parents ... cream of the crop! If I ever needed them, they would be here as quickly as possible no matter what they were doing. I just hope that I will be the exact kind of mother to my daughter ... because I know if I am, she will turn out just right!!

The Dreaded Phone Call

I got woken up about a little over a half an hour ago from my best friends father. When I heard "Something horrible happened last night", my heart came up into my throat!!!!!! It seems that on the way home last night, someone cut Shyam off. Knowing Shyam, I know horns where blown, fingers were thrown, and yelling, etc. It seems the guy stopped and got out of the car and stupidly so did Shyam!!!!! Thank God, the guy didn't have a gun .... they got into a fight, the police came and Shyam is in jail with a $43,000 bail! (This is all from his Dad as I haven't talked to him). Shyam said he's pretty beaten up, and there were witnesses. Of course he says he didn't start it, it wasn't his fault, etc .... Shyam NEVER takes the blame, things are never his fault. His dad said he has a feeling this time he's going to get jail time. Yes I said this time ... he has a past, and a not so good one due to his past drug issues. Part of me thinks jail time would do him good, maybe he'd learn something .... then there's the part of me that knows how jail is, so maybe it would make him worse?

Then there's the me, you know, the what if Abby. I wanted to invite him over after dinner (early dinner ... about 4:30), but didn't. If I did ... I knew something was up with the way he was obsessed with the time, he constantly looked at his watch (he doesn't do that), I should have said something. He got a call during dinner from some guy (didn't ask questions, so no clue who) and he said he'd he'd call him when he left and he'd be over (or something like that). Why didn't I ask about that? As soon as he was finished eating, and the bill was paid .... it was nice to see you dude (shake hands), and a half hug for me because I was being mean (but not mean mean, I didn't mean it ..... when I turned around to say goodbye and actually give him a hug he was almost out of the place!!!!! We leave ... I try and catch him before he pulls out of the parking lot .... no luck, he was outta there, in a hurry!!! So I call to let him know I tried to catch him, etc .... so we talked and he said he'd call me when he got home. Of course you know he didn't call .... he never got him. But it didn't worry me, because he's always saying he'll call and doesn't.
I just hope he gets out of this okay .... I hope he wasn't meeting someone to "buy anything", he was doing so well, I hope he hasn't relapsed!!!!!! He had two beers with dinner, but was fine to drive ... we'd never let anyone drive that shouldn't. But two beers ... depending on when this happened, and if and when they did a breathalizer ....
Needless to say I'm extremely worried about him, and really wish there was something I could do. So for those of you out there that read my blog .... please say a prayer for him right now, not for me ... forget me, pray for him!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday morning/ Early afternoon

This day ... actually the past few days have seem to last an eternity. Why is it when you want time to fly it doesn't and when you don't it does? I wonder if it would help to use reverse psychology on it? (Okay, I know it wouldn't ... but still)

Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start .... (LOVE that musical, I think I have the whole thing memorized!)

So, last night was NOT pretty ... and just got worse as the night went on. Of course Shyam didn't call back as he said he would, so I do the typical Abby thing and start blaming me and beating myself up for it (mentally, not physically). I went from being relieved and happy for Bart and Shyam for talking ... to being absolutely furious at Shyam for not talking to me and only Bart. And when I say absolutely furious .... I mean more than mad (I don't believe there's a word for it) I began to take it out on Bart, by spouting off everything that popped in my head ... only to get more made by the minute. Bart thankfully calmed me down with a wonderful back massage and I fell asleep. (All this started around 11:20 PM for those interested)

Then this morning starts out good ... Bart and I cuddling on the couch downstairs (Socrates as well) after I was woken by the dogs. Bart took them downstairs and laid on the couch hoping to get some more sleep. It wasn't long and the phone rang ... I get up, get around the dogs and get to the phone too late. So I go upstairs ... that's where our cordless phones are (which we usually have one downstairs, but since it was morning ...) to see who called, etc. No longer did I get to the bedroom did Bart's Nextell beep, and before I could even pick it up, it did again. So, I picked it up and Shyam was two laying him. So, assuming he was wanting to speak to Bart I push the button and say "hold on I'll go get him". To that I get a rather nasty, "I was calling to talk to you". So I explained being in bed (even though we weren't ... but it was easier to say), so from that I get a "whatever" and it got worse from there. So I call his house, his Dad picks up and tells me he's not there ... went to get his phone fixed. We had a short conversation (and when he asked how I was, I don't think he believed my big pause and then okay .... I so wanted to just tell him what all his son had done, but didn't). So I hang up and dial Shyam's cell ... Surprisingly he answered ... and he just instantly goes into ... if you don't want to talk to me ... blah blah blah. So didn't say that, tried to calmly talk which is a hard thing to do when the person on the other end is practically yelling. Then he conveniently got home and said his famous "I'll call later".
By this time, Bart's in the room and I am MAD! I looked at Bart and said "this is ending today, I WILL talk to him face to face even if it takes going to his house (which Bart did NOT like that idea)" I explained I needed to talk face to face because one ... if it was over between us, I wanted it said to my face, I also wanted to talk to him and get some answers. Not to mention ... face to face there is no "I'll call you later", click.
So, I pick up the phone and try his house ... BIG shock, no answer. Try him on Bart's phone thinking just maybe ... but nope. Eventually, somehow (I don't even remember how .... direct connect I think) I got a hold of him. Of course it started out as always .... him blasting me for nothing. Then he says he doesn't know how we count our calls, but his Dad counted 13 in one day .... our computer logs each in and out call with the time and number because our phones are through our computers ... Bart checked for a week and it was 10 for a week ... so let's add 5 which is on the high side from my cell (keeping in mind one of those I was asked to call). So that's 15 ... ya a lot for a week, but it's not 13 in a day. But keep in mind, I was getting avoided and knew it, and I was worried more than you know about what was going on with him!!! I was hoping and praying he hadn't relapsed. Anyway, he spouts off about the calls and somehow he says something about "if Bart wants to talk to my Dad" .... to which I said, "Bart would LOVE to speak with your Dad". At this point I was on fire I was so mad. I didn't want to have to get his Dad involved, I didn't him knowing his son was treating me like this, verbally abusing me .... but at this point, I had no choice. Even as mad as I was, I was still worried about what's been going on with him, and I knew getting his Dad involved would get things settled. So Bart calls ... they talk, Bart reads him an email that was sent to me, and needless to say his Dad was not happy. He was going to talk to him, and they hung up.
At this point I decided to shower ... because as I stated earlier, this was going to end today! So I'm getting ready to get into the shower and the phone rings, Bart yells got it .... and of course I have to open the bathroom door to see who it was. It was Shyam, apologizing, etc .... so I get in the shower. Next thing I know Bart's telling me we're meeting him for dinner! Geesh, one minute he's yelling at me, the next he's apologizing to Bart and now we're meeting for dinner. Good ... I want to see him, I want things said to my face.
Of course typical me ... feels bad we involved Shyam's Dad, so I quickly make him a card, type up a note (I know typing is impersonal, but I was in a hurry) and that was that.
Bart's wondering if he'll show ... I said he would. Bart told him if he didn't we would come to his house. But I knew he's show ... but then started getting doubts. Bart's nextell goes off ... Shyam has no money. Bart told him not to worry about it, it was taken care of. Then of course double checks that he's going to show. He said he was, and was leaving in 5 minutes. A little later, there's that beep beep .... now he's running late because he forgot his wallet and has turned around to go get it. (This is where I started wondering ... but knowing deep down, he'd come)
So we arrive at Barley and Hops ... I have never been that nervous in a LONG time!!! I wasn't sure what was going to happen, how to act, I just had my guard up full force and was on the defensive. Shyam of course gets lost (and he makes fun of me getting lost), so Bart directs him to the right place. We all walk in together and get a seat at the bar (so Shyam could smoke ... heaven forbid he have a conversation without smoking). Shakes Bart's hand says something like good to see you and Bart said the same. Turns to me and goes to give me a hug and I say don't touch me. Okay ... so I shouldn't have started out that way ... but full guard was up. Then I give him the card and ask him to give to his Dad. So we argue about that (lovely). He kept saying I know this is an apology from you to my Dad and you don't need to. Of course I get mad, and say something back to which he says, "is this how it's going to be?" and I said I'm sorry ... just please give it to him, I took the time to make it, the least you could do is deliver it. So he puts it in his pocket. By this time Bart was back with everyone's drinks .... he had a seat that I pulled out for him that was beside the seat that Shyam was in, then I sat next to Bart. Problem with this ... Shyam couldn't hear me ... and I got tired of repeating myself (I think he could use a hearing aid) so I took my water and moved down to the seat beside Shyam. Shyam and Bart caught up ... talked about work stuff and what's changed, etc. Shyam filled Bart in on what he's been doing (some of which I'm not sure was true) and it was like they were back to being how they had always been. Slowly my guard came down ... and before I knew it, I was picking the tomatoes out of Shyams salad (trying to do it so he didn't see me, but Bart said I wasn't doing a good job at it). He barely ate any of his salad, so I decided to continue to pick at it .... so I get his fork and eat the cucumbers, then decided I wanted the salad so instead of leaning over him every time to get something I just took the salad and ate pretty much the rest of it. I kind of worried Bart wouldn't have liked me using his fork like I did ... but I asked later and he didn't care. But things were weird ... not what I expected at all. It was like nothing happened. He did apologize ... didn't remember saying and doing all he did, but apologized. And it was like old times with him ... with the three of us.
Dinner was over, and he shakes Barts hand goodbye and said it was really good to see you .... they say a few things. Then he turns to me and was going to hug me ... I turned away (which I was just joking), so he said bye and by the time I turned around to hug him bye he was half way out of the restaurant. So I try and catch him at his car, but he didn't notice me and he was outta there.
So I call his cell, and thanked him ... I didn't want him to think I was mad. But he didn't. He was on his way to Best Buy, which he got lost ... so I got him there and he said he'd give me a call when he got home.

So things went well ... Really well! I felt SO much better! A HUGE weight had been lifted. Kinda mad because he didn't talk to me much at all ... but figured we'd have our talk later, because it was really nice seeing him and Bart talking and laughing. I got my apology, I got to see him, I got SOME answers .... which were one's I didn't need. I already knew that when he starts getting to close to someone he leaves. But it's something ... it's a start.

I emailed him, thanked him again for coming and let him know I was giving him his space. Told him some things to prevent it all from happening again ... and told him to give me a call. So we'll see what happens. Hopefully, we're back to being friends like we had been.

At least problems resolve for some

Bart and Shyam talked today, and got everything out that needed to be out ... something I wish was done a long time ago, but I'm happy they got it out. Hopefully now they will be able to move on. Not that I think they'll ever be friends again, but there's always hope ... right?

Of course he said he'd call back later and hasn't ... and I didn't think he would. And of course he didn't talk to me, so I will just continue to be miserable and confused until he (hopefully) decides he'll talk to me. All I want is a face to face talk with some explanations, which personally I think I deserve. Who knows ...

Work was work

My four hour shift seemed like an eternity, but I made it. I pretty much stayed away from everyone and did my work and stayed on the floor I had (besides helping in the ER). I got a lot of comments of "I've never seen you look so unhappy", but I put on my smile and won some grammies!

Everyone (pretty much) was happy to see me back. I say pretty much because of the death ray that was shot at me the 3 times I passed my lovely male supervisors office. But not a word came out of his mouth ... which for him is lucky!

Great mail day

There's nothing better than opening your front door and finding two big boxes of stamping and scrapping supplies! I got SO much stuff .... You wouldn't believe the amount of freebies I got from Stampin' Up! Now I just need to go through it all! :)

Thanks Becky for the ADORABLE I love Santa socks which made me smile! And all the other extra's in there! And your layout you did of Kaylie and I ... LOVE IT!!!!! Now I'll just have too keep Kaylie from taking it! :) Thanks Becky ....

The serenity prayer

I was told yesterday by my counselor that it will help me get through rough times (at the time she was speaking of the wait of the adoption), was to say the serenity prayer. I've heard it before, I think my Mom has told me bits and pieces over time when I was having trouble. Anyway, Barbara (that's my counselor) told me that it would help. I have no idea what religion she is, nor does she of I. And when she told me that I thought to myself, whatever! I've been struggling with my "faith" over the past 10 years or so. Sometimes the struggle isn't much ... Sometimes I'm FULL of doubts. One thing I do know is I do not believe what I was taught growing up, that's became clear to me over the past couple years. (I was raised Baptist for those wondering ... Went to a Catholic high school, so I attended mass there as well as having a religion class ... But I wasn't there long.)

So anyway, when told to say this prayer I just kind of stuck it in the back of my head. But today I needed something, I had nothing to grasp onto ... So I looked it up (which it's below). I said it aloud through my tears, as I did I began to cry harder. I was praying to God, praying to "be like him" in a way. I wasn't comfortable saying these things at all; however leaving all the Godlike stuff out, the prayer says a lot. Don't get me wrong ... I'm not an atheist, I hate that word. And I do pray ... But when I pray, I'm not really sure who I'm praying to. I just know in my heart that someone, whoever it is, is hearing it ... At least I hope. I'm guessing that was all a shocker for a lot of you, but it's me. Maybe sometime I'll blog about my whole reasoning ... Not that anyone out there really cares, but who knows.

God, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.
Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.
Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next. Amen

Reinhold Neibuhr-1926

Back to work ...

Tomorrow I'll be working a BIG four hours. Right now I wonder how that's going to be possible considering what's happened in my life in the past few days. But I'll do it, what's four hours ... and who cares if I cry while treating patients?

One thing that I do worry about is seeing my lovely male supervisor, because there's a big chance I will. I've already decided that if he does or says anything to make me feel the least bit uncomfortable, I'm walking out! Yesterday I talked to my councilor about all the crap that goes on there, and how he's treated me ... and others. And how now he nit picks my work which I think is his way of showing me "who's boss". Her first question was, how did he know I complained about him? When I told her, he was told ... she did the jaw drop to the floor and pick it up motion. Then as we proceeded in talking, she asked if I had considered getting a lawyer. Have I considered it, yes? Will I .... you betcha, one more incident and that's my move. I've taken all the other steps, obviously they don't take them seriously. But I guarantee they'll take a lawyer seriously.

I lost ....

My New Years resolution for 2005 was to get published. Nothing like waiting until now to start trying, right?

I've submitted something once a few years ago, and never again .... so many people submit, why on earth would they want something of mine?? Well Scenic Route Paper Company had a contest, and Becky talked me into entering with her .... so I did. Yesterday the winners were announced and neither of our names were on them. I knew mine wouldn't be ... but I thought hers would! But at least we tried!

Best Friends

Remember those necklaces in jr. high and high school .... they were a heart that each friend got a half of? They said best friends forever when you put them together? I remember having a couple at different times, and I have no clue where those people are today, or what they even do? So what's that tell you? The necklaces meant nothing, just a fad.

Now that I'm 30, best friends means more to me than just a necklace. I'm not talking husbands and wives .. they're your ultimate best friend, why else would you marry them? I'm talking best friends. You know the one I mean ... who you call when you need to talk, who's always there no matter what, knows pretty much (if not everything) about you, the one you go shopping with, out to lunch, or just hang out and do nothing. It's been a long time since I've had one of those ... a best friend, but when I let myself get close enough (yes let myself, I don't let many people "in" for a reason) to a friend, he became my best friend. (Yes I said he, there is a such thing a platonic male/female relationships, no matter what people say.) Just like anyone else with a best friend, I would do anything for him, I trusted him as much as I trust my husband.

Last night something happened, and I lost my best friend. When I say lost I don't mean he died (God forbid), but I mean we're no longer friends .... let alone best friends. I don't know what happened, I don't know if I ever will. I cried most of the night, since about 430 PM when the first fight happened. No clue why it happened, no clue what I did wrong .... besides call him. Bart gets home, and I reluctantly tell him the story ... I say reluctantly because Bart and Shyam aren't that fond of each other, which is a whole other story. But I tell him, and he comforted me and told me that he probably just needed his space to leave him alone until Saturday or so. Then told me the story about him and Katie and how she called him all the time and wanted to be with him all the time, and he got sick of it and wanted time to himself. (Yes Bart knows this because they use to be very good friends) But do I listen? Of course not ... should I have, yes!!! I so wish I would have.

So I write an email ..... I'm famous for those, ask anyone. Especially when something's on my mind or wrong. (And yes, if I try and call someone and can't talk to them, I email ... a little too much ... just like I obsessively call a little too much because they won't answer) So I wait, and wait, and wait .... and nothing. I thought the least he'd do is write back and say I need some time. But nothing. So being the idiot I am, have my niece call him and tell him to read his email. I'm still mad at myself for even getting her involved, because now she's worried and that's just another mess. So he tells her that her aunt is wacko and bugs him with phone calls. Hits on her, which totally grossed her out (and makes me mad), and they hung up. So then I wait some more thinking ... he told her he'd read it, he'll go read it. Ummm, wrong!!! So being the total moron I am, I call .... we needed to talk. Biggest mistake of the night (next to getting my niece involved)!!!! He said some of the most hurtful things to me, he knew exactly what to say to hurt me ...... and hurt me he did!!!! Never in my life have I been hurt this badly, after all the nasty breakups and crap you go through growing up ... thinking your world is over .... nothing like this. I couldn't (and still can't) believe the things he said to me ... and I didn't provoke anything! But I was informed I needed to get help, that if I can't take care of myself there's no way I can care for a baby, I needed to grow up, and a bunch of other things I'm not even repeating because of the lovely language he used. And to be honest, I was in such shock ... I don't even know half of what he said.

Needless to say I haven't slept much ... a lot of crying and what if's and should have's. Thankfully I don't have anything to do tomorrow so I can rest ... hopefully.

So now what? What do you do when someone you love treats you like that and it's over? I feel lost, confused, overwhelmed ... like I lost a part of me.

More pills

Yup, increased me again ... then drilled me and gave me the whole birth control lecture. So didn't need that!!! Yes I'm taking a medication that could be dangerous to my fetus if I were to become pregnant; however I CAN'T! No, it's never been PROVEN medically, but my God! Not what I need to hear when I'm sitting on pins and needles waiting for the call from the adoption agency that my baby is ready!! As if my day didn't suck enough!

Counseling appointment

Not a lot to say ... it went well I guess. Especially since I didn't feel like being there or talking. She did most of the talking, asking SOME questions ... but mostly giving advice. We spent a lot of time talking about the importance of breathing (not in general ... duh, but the proper way to do it to calm yourself down), and about marital time outs.

So that's that ..... not a whole lot went on, and the hour was up before I knew it

Those just because flowers

Don't you love those? Getting flowers for no reason? I had a not so great day, and it was brightened up with some pink Gerber Daisies (Daisies are my fav) that my husband brought home to me.

I don't know the last time he brought me flowers, which makes it all the more meaningful!!! Gotta love the man! :)

The wait ..... continues

Received our monthly newsletter from the adoption agency and here's what it had to say about the increasing wait!!

There have been a lot of internet rumors going around about increased waiting times and AT’s Group 25 is living proof that the wait for a referral has increased dramatically. Group 25 was originally expecting their referrals in September (with a 6 month wait), and they still haven’t come yet. This is so disheartening when you are sitting on the edge of your seat just waiting for the phone to ring. Group 25 has really hung in there, but we are still waiting to hear that their referrals are in the mail.
This past Friday, there was a meeting at CCAA for all China facilitators. The gist of what was said is that the number of dossiers being sent to China has been way up since last spring due to the shorter waiting period. In addition, more families inside China are adopting as incomes rise. CCAA has made a decision not to refer more than 1,500 children in any one month. As soon as they reach that number of dossiers/referrals, they stop for that month. Anymore dossiers logged in that month are automatically pushed back to the following month. CCAA is stating that they expect the wait to move between 9-12 months, depending on the number of dossiers logged in at the time. Although it is hard to be “pushed back” to the next month, I think CCAA is doing a very ncredible job of handling the situation. When they do “too many”
referrals, it overwhelms the system at the US Consulate in Guangzhou and families end up with referrals but waiting extra weeks before they can travel. I know that it is really hard not to have a definite wait time. This will require lots of patience on everyone’s part as we navigate through not having a more exact way of predicting referral and travel times. Please do not worry that they are “running out of babies in China”. This is not the case at this point. There are lots of babies being referred to CCAA. I believe that the main issue is the huge number of dossiers coming in to China at this point.

So that's that .... so they do only a certain number then push those left to the next month, which in turns pushes that months back ... so how many more months will we be pushed back? An expected wait time of 9 - 12 months!!!!! UGH

Not the best day ....

But not the worst either. (Wait, was that optimistic?) Anyway, I slept like crap last night ... I don't feel like I really slept much at all. Around 10 Socrates wanted out, so I let him out ... and Athena as well. Then rounded them up (they wanted to play) and took them to the bedroom ... we were going back to bed if they liked it or not! Of course they both laid right down and were asleep before I knew it. I could tell already it was going to be one of those days ... feeling depressed already, a little anxious, not wanting to get out of bed or do anything. So I laid there for about an hour or so before I decided I should get up or I'd be there all day, which isn't good. I decided I was going to go get a candle at the Yankee Candle store in the mall (which is of course not the mall near me, it's 45 minutes away). So I get dressed .... nope, didn't shower ... but did fix my hair, kinda. Talk to Shyam and THOUGHT he would go with me, but he didn't ... and yes I'm mad! So I drive all the way there (in the snow) and they don't have what I wanted. First, I knew I shouldn't have even gone ... stupid! When you're on the verge of crying when you're driving ... don't go. But I was forcing myself to get out and do something. DUMB!!! So there I am in the mall walking out to leave (not in the mood to shop, because I HATE doing it by myself) crying like an idiot. Pretty much cried all the way home, got home, put my PJ's back on ... and realize I needed to drop a script off at Target because I'm OUT! Thankfully, they're open late now and Bart can do it, because I do not want to deal with it at all.

So I'm sitting here ... being miserable. It's our first snow (at least when I've been here) of the year ... but am I enjoying it? Nope! For whatever reason it's depressing because it makes me want to go to NY and have it snow like this there. I'm hopeless I know!!!

Sunday ....

Not much was done today ... I got up on the early side, showered and put on clean PJ's :) I had wanted to go to church, but Bart didn't get up ... and claims he didn't know I wanted to go. But it's okay.
Watched a very cool cake decorating contest on FoodTV, the things they can do amaze me! Then we (that being the dogs and I) went and jumped in bed with Bart, who had decided to try and sneak in a nap. So we napped ... a waste of a day if you ask me, but oh well. We both needed the sleep as we have been going to bed late and getting up early.

Last night right before midnight (which was the deadline) I submitted my last entry for a contest held by Scenic Route Paper Company. I submitted three ... the last one sucks, but sent it anyway. My new years resolution was to get published, so thought I better start trying! :) Becky and I decided to do it together ... of course what she did has a much better chance than what I did! :) She even did one of Kaylie and I which I just love!!! I just wonder who will get to keep it ... me or Kaylie? Of course Tune gave me TONS of help ... one night I had her giving me step by step instructions! Gotta love her, not sure what I'd do without her! So everyone keep your fingers crossed (don't worry, I know I don't have a chance).

Bart's at the grocery store now ... I made a list and he went. I SO hate going to the grocery store. Not to mention, ever since Thanksgiving I have been craving the chocolate mint desert .... so of course I'll be making that tonight! Not that I need it, but oh well.

That's pretty much it .... nothing exciting on the homefront!

It's suppose to snow tomorrow which I hope doesn't ruin my plans of going shopping ... I NEED a Yankee candle for my coffee table! I bought Christmas bulbs at Target the other night and that is going to be our one and only decoration (besides what Tunester sent).

Memorial Service

Today was the memorial service for Bart's uncle Frank. It was a very nice service (on the long side, but nice). Frank had everything planned to a T, even what would be said, and sang. His oldest brother spoke/read of there childhood, the minister spoke on behalf of his daughters on his parenting, his ex-wife spoke about there marriage, and then the minister read about his faith.
Afterwards there was a dinner in the reception hall, which was very nice (KILLER carrot cake). It was nice to visit with those of Bart's family we don't get to see often!

Now for the oddities ... you had to know I'd have something else to say!
One, everything said, to everything that was written about him alluded to the fact that he was still married to his first wife (they were married 30 years I believe). I found that very odd. Another thing was that his second wife was not mentioned once, nor was her son which he adopted. Not even in his obituary where it mentioned his children. A little about the second wife later. I liked the fact he planned everything, but writing everything was a bit much. I don't think it really gave anyone (but his kids) to say there feelings about him. It was more geared towards his life and accomplishments (and a lot was repeated a lot). Don't get me wrong, I think those things should be mentioned, but not in this length. (We're talking hour +) Another thing I found odd was that it was never mentioned that he was ordained and had gone to seminary. Even when a lot of what was said was based upon his faith. His two bachelor degrees and PhD were mentioned, but not that. I did learn somethings about him which I did not know ... These things made me regret not getting to know him better because I figured he was just like his other brothers! I didn't know he supported Martin Luther King, Jr., this is saying A LOT since the family (not all, but the father especially) is/was extremely racist. He supported a child in Haiti, which is one of the places he asked money be donated to. I never knew that, wish I did. He had written that he was never afraid to stand up for what he believed in, and never afraid to right a wrong. Think about that ... NEVER AFRAID to stand up for what he believed in. NEVER AFRAID to right a wrong!!!! Now that (to me anyway) says a lot about a person. I do know that he worked for the government for awhile and found something out (I can't remember the exacts of anything as it's been awhile since I was told) and when he stood up and pointed it out, he was fired for not backing down. Never afraid to right a wrong!

An the ex-wife .....
They met on the internet, she was from Russia. He ended up going to Russia and bringing her and her son back here and marrying her and adopting her son. Let me tell you, this got the family talking ... NOBODY liked it one bit. Personally, I kept saying ... If it makes him happy so what! Everyone was trying to talk him out of it, what if she takes all your money, etc. He wasn't stupid, he knew what he was doing .... And most of all was happy, which to me is all that matters. So they're married ... He adopted her son, and the time passed where she could become a US citizen, which she and her son did. Then some more time passed and they were divorced. Again, he wasn't stupid ... I think he knew exactly what he was doing. She was a very intellagent women who was very educated. Her husband had died, and there she was left in Russia raising a son finding it hard to find a job. She came here, got a very good job ... became a citizen so she can now stay here. I think that goes back to him standing up for what he believes in, righting a wrong. Two people in need that he could help, and he did. It just hurt me that they weren't mentioned (or there for that matter).

Needless to say, it was a very nice service, and he will be greatly missed. But he was ready to go ... cancer had spread to every organ in his body and he was in excruciating pain constantly. I'm just sorry to say that I never had gotten the chance to really know him. Just goes to show you that everyone in a family isn't the same. And NEVER AFRAID to stand up for what you believe in, and NEVER AFRAID to right a wrong .... all I can say is AMEN!

BAA HUMBUG!

Gotta love what I got in the mail today .... "the grumpy party pooper". I opened the box from Dawn (while talking to her on IM) and BUSTED out laughing!!!! These things crack me up, I can't help it!!! She's determined to get me in the Christmas spirit, and when she saw this jelly bean pooping sheep with a Santa hat ... she HAD to get it for me. Her mom sent her a snowman one last year and I thought it was the funniest thing ... she thought it was gross!!! What can I say, I'm weird! :)

Thanks Tune .... and look, we have a Christmas decoration now!!! :)

December baby

Finally the long awaited month is here ... December! I've always looked forward to December, all the holiday decorations, the shopping, the magic in the air. But this year I've been waiting what seems like years for this month to get here!!! This is the month we originally were to go to China. I had been planning on spending my Christmas in China with my daughter, her first Christmas! But as you know, we will be spending Christmas here ... and she will be spending Christmas in China.

For those of you who know me, know number one ... I am NOT a patient person, and number two ... I do NOT like when things don't go my way. So needless to say, I am NOT in the Christmas spirit at all this year ... the first year of my life. I'm usually wanting to put up the tree, get out the ornaments and reminisce about the memories they hold. This year ... forget it, they can stay in there box! And the Christmas music, enough already! Usually I can't get enough ... but geez, enough is enough. Want to talk about the Grinch ... here I am! :) I didn't want to be here for Christmas ... I wanted to be in China. The thought of my daughter spending Christmas, her first Christmas without me kills me. To think she's in a crib with other babies ... not getting one gift, nothing. I don't know what goes on in the orphanage ... but I just hope and pray that she is given extra love that day from her caretaker. Extra kisses ... extra fun. It kills me!!

I keep praying for her picture and profile ... that's all I want, I want to see her! And maybe if that happens before Christmas, I'll be more in the spirit.

So you wonder what's on my Christmas list this year? Usually I have it typed, and passed out at Thanksgiving with pictures and websites! Not this year ... all I want is my baby!!