Turning 30

Not sure why people freak out over turning 30 .... to me, not a big deal! So what ... I'm no longer in my 20's, big deal! Some say you're as old as you feel ... and I don't feel 30. Some say you're as old as you act .... I'm not even going there! But 30 will bring me a lot of happiness, a lot of change ... so 30 is a good thing!

Not much was accomplished in my 20's. I dropped out of college, I moved to Maryland, I got married, I've had an aray of jobs which have all sucked in there own way, I went back to school and actually graduated, got my first "real job", and who could forget getting Socrates!! Okay, so SOMETHINGS was accomplished, but nothing really of much importance (not that getting married and all that isn't important). But between all the good stuff mentioned above there was bad stuff as well. I got rid of my beloved 1995 green Mitsubishi Eclipse, which was turbo mind you. (I called it the Batmobile, which MaryKay named) Sad sad day that was .... traded it in for an 1998 Chevy Blazer which I named Clarence. Then ... we got rid of him on Valentine's Day a year or so ago for Bart's car. The next day we had a blizard! I still miss good 'ol Clarence!! I lost my Aunt Mary .... that was a shock to everyone! I think of her often and miss her like you wouldn't believe. Then there was my Grandfather gone at a ripe age of 93 ... although I can still hear him singing in my mind. Those hit me hard .... still do. And my other Grandma Margret. That was it ... all my Grandparents gone. Then shortly after the Christmas before last Bart lost his Grandmother, 98 I believe she was. She went downhill fast, but I enjoyed having her in my life while I did.

So 30 .... it's going to be good!!! I'll become a mother ... what could be better than that? I'll get to travel to China which is someplace I've always dreamed of going. I'll experience my daughters first words, first days of school, all those first ... and all in my 30's! I tell you .... 30's not bad at all!

Hopped up on goofballs

It's freaking 1AM!!! Here I am awake, but feel asleep ... make sense? I took my regular nighttime pills .... then the BAM kick it up a notch Ativan .... then after over an hour another Klonopin. Now tell me why I'm awake, would ya?

I'm to the point of not feeling I think .... which I like sometimes, it's a nice break from reality! But there's a panic attack inside me that wants out and can't get out. Now that is frustrating!!!!

I work tomorrow ...w ell I guess it's today ... tonight rather! Maybe that's the cause of this problem. I just wish it wasn't 12 hours ... 4 maybe. I could do 4 ... you're there then it's time to go ... I can do 4. But nooooo, it's 12. How oh how will I get through this?

Now the problem is getting back up the two flights of stairs to get back in bed .... it was hard enough getting down them. Oiy

Another day ... another NOTHING

Okay, so I was to work tonight ... but couldn't! I tried SO hard too!!! I just couldn't, I was a mess!!!! Bart keeps saying I just need to do it ... get back on the horse so to speak. But I don't think that's it, I think there's more to it. But what do I know?

So he says Wed (that's tomorrow) I'm going .... and I'd like to, but don't feel ready. But I guess I can always put on my happy face as I've done most of my life and fake it! Then just hide in the restroom most of the night!!!! I'm just at a loss ..... I feel like I'm losing ground!!

Here I sit

The Superbowl is on .... I sit here with the laptop waiting for the comercials with Socrates curled up beside me snoring away.

I slept in today ... then took a nap. I feel as if I wasted the day away ... so much needs done and I slept!

The weekend was uneventful ... we didn't really do much, which was nice in it's own way, but I feel like I needed to be out more. With the living! I'm still not myself, but I'm getting there ... I've had my moments.

Last evening wasn't easy ... I was extremely anxious, but hide it. I'm so good at that! And today hasn't been any easier ... worse if anything. Probably why I slept all day .... keeps me from dealing with life.

I'm going back to work tomorrow ... this week I work Monday and Wed ... both my usual 12 hour night shift.

We went to Borders yesterday ... I bought "I Love You Like Crazy Cakes". Such a cute children's book! It's about a baby in China in an orphanage and a mommy in the US without a baby. It talks about how they got together, etc. Very good book.

I'm in the process of stenciling above my bay window. It's a pain because each letter has to dry so long! Me being the impatient person tried to move ahead, and smeared it ... so I guess I will be patient. I stamped on the walls around the bay window ... dandilions and the seeds. Then above it will say Scatter seeds of kindness. It looks okay ... I don't know, I just don't feel creative anymore. I don't feel as if any of my work is worthy of anyone looking at. I feel like I've lost a part of myself with this episode of my lovely anxiety. Hopefully when I'm back to "normal" that part of me will come back!! My creativity is a big part of myself .... an outlet, I need it!

I turn 30 in six days .... I work on my birthday! I don't work on Valentine's Day ... I'm not sure which I'd rather work. Oh well .... life sucks as usual!

My life sucks

Here I sit ... in a daze almost! It's like I'm outside of my body, I don't like it ... I hate being medicated!!!!! I'm SO sore from my fall down the stairs (not the first fall, the second one) .... I think I bruised my ribs!!!!! Why is it that I must have this stupid disease???? Last night we went to bed at 1030 ... early for us. I hurt, had a thumping headache and just wanted to sleep. But does that happen? I lay there crying, complaining about my meds, about anxiety, about everything! Bart wanted me to take my extra medication that I was given to use as needed and I admit I needed it. But when I take it I'm drugged up for the next day (hence the stair insident number two last night) and I was to work tonight. I can't take something where I can't function when I work in a hospital!!!!! Yet I need to work because we need the money for the adoption ... I HAVE to get better! All along I've told myself (and everyone) that I WOULD be at work tonight ... come hell or high water I'd be there. So where am I .... at home! I've let down and disapointed everyone! My life sucks!!!!!!

Today I've done nothing but sleep and lay around .... makes me feel so worthless. Bart's going to come home dead tired because he didn't get much sleep last night because he was up with me until 3 when I gave in and took the stupid pill! I tried SO hard, and gave in ... I'm such a weak person!!!!!

Explain this to me

How can one get lost going someplace that's maybe a 5 minute drive from there house???? Not only that but it's someplace they go often!!!!!!! Yup, that someone is me! I was driving aimlessly forever until I pulled over to call Bart to find out how to get where I was going.

Okay .... you think that's bad. I get to where I was going, pick up the letter .... it's not even the right letter!!!! So I was made, so what else to do but to go shopping! Off to the scrapbook store I go ..... I get there fine, but getting home was another story!!!!! I get off on the wrong exit, then I kept driving in circles and I have no idea how I got where I ended up!!!! FINALLY I get home ... but geez!!!!!