As boring as it may be, it's my life. You live life and learn as you go along. So hop into my life and enjoy the ride! (You don't want to forget to buckle up, sometimes it's one heck of a bumpy ride!)

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Sunday .... Monday blues

Well, it's Sunday night .......

Today wasn't too bad of a day. Bart woke me up with cuddles which who doesn't love that?? We then went and ran some errands ... had dinner at Ruby Tuesday's which was ever so lovely! If only I left room for desert!

I finished part one of oranizing my ribbon .... Bart came up with a great idea. I just need to do part two now. I stamped the area around the bay window which I've been wanting to do for a few months. It turned out OKAY ... but will be able to really tell tomorrow in the daylight if it's going to stay.

Tonight I got depressed .... Monday blues I guess. Tomorrow Bart works and I'll be home alone. I don't do well home alone, well I haven't lately. So we'll see how it goes. I had an attack this evening coming to bed over everything I have to do and everything I have to do that I need help with. I've felt anxious for the biggest part of the evening.

Well .... that's it .... nothing exciting, just my life

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Saturday

Well, it's Saturday! Sucky day it is .... I haven't had a good day. I slept good last night (whoohooo) I got up around noon (shocking, I know). We went and had lunch and then to Giant to get some groceries. Giant was busy and I couldn't take it .... Anxiety city! Was not pretty!!!!!!!

Finally we got home, Bart went down to his office and I laid down on the couch to watch Mulan (LOVE that movie). I fell asleep for a few hours ... got up, Bart ate WITHOUT ME, then I ate by myself!!! I SO hate eating by myself which he knows. Then it's back to his office .... hello ... spend a little time with me!

Socrates got on a barking fit which he has got to stop! He's still not use to the townhouse, he's use to our old house with a yard. So any car, person, dog, cat .... BARK! I yell at him a few times but couldn't take it .... I started having an attack so I went to sit/lay in my big chair. Bart was in his office and did NOTHING!!!!!!!! It's driving me nuts ... I know he needs time to himself and he's sick of me, but geez!!! And all night he's made the comment, why don't you go to work (I'm scheduled for tonight but have called out). He doesn't get it, and I don't feel like he wants to. VERY frustrating!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Missed work and funky meds

Well, I've missed work due to my increased anxiety which I hate!! I hate both that I have increased anxiety and that it is interfering with my everyday life. I don't sleep ... I have no energy, I'm always exhausted, and I don't feel like doing anything.

I went to the dr. a few weeks ago and she increased my Klonopin because I was having withdraw symptoms from it (happens way too much). GREAT drug, but sucks being on it. So I thought it would help with everything, but nope .... things just got worse! Odd for being on more Klonopin! So finally after EVERYONE telling me to call my dr. I went back today. I didn't want to go back because I didn't want anything to mess up the adoption (she still needs to speak to our social worker). But I couldn't take it anymore .... so I went. Her conclusion ... it was my Seasonale (birth control). Things started progressively getting worse once I went on that and now that I was in the fourth month of it my PMDD kicked in and I think I was having 4 months worth at once! So that was that ... I stopped taking it. She also gave me Ativan ... another lovely benzo like Klonopin. This is stronger and I am to only take it when I have too. Those nights when I'm having horrid attacks and nothing is calming me down ... this should.

I have an appointment with her in two weeks, so hopefully things will be back to normal (as normal as I get). She asked I let me social worker know she's not avoiding her, but she doesn't want to talk to her while I'm this bad because she only wants to say good things about me. So to tell her that I'm having an adverse reaction to a medication I'm on and once that's fixed (in two weeks) she'll give her a call. So that's that ......

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

What is up with this?

I have a WONDERFUL Friday and Saturday .... Sunday, not bad until evening. Then crap again. Anxious and no sleep .... NO SLEEP!!!!!

Bart was off Friday - Sunday ... and I'm usually better when I'm with him (or someone) but geesh! To go from, yeah I'm getting better back to yuck!

Last night he thought he had it figured out ... I could only sleep 5 hours at a time which was true (he pointed out examples). Well, tonight it was 4 or less. So there went that!!!

I'm back to work Wed, then Saturday. Not bad .... I can do that. Days not together time to recoop. Then the new schedule is out which I haven't seen. If she didn't change me from the mock up, I work Sunday as well ..... But with a nice break. Doable.

I'm just sick of the not sleeping .... I take a sleeping aid even ... and nothing!! SO frustrating. I've been TRYING to hold out and not go back to the dr. (my apointment is in 3 months), but I might have to break down and do it, because I can't live like this!!!!!!!

Friday, January 21, 2005

I saw heaven

My favorite store is Target, I could just spend hours upon hours in there even if I was just there the week before. Walmart, I can't stand ..... we avoid it at all costs. The fact they have a super Walmart that is a walmart as well as a grocery store in one is wonderful .... but still, hate it because it's Walmart.

Today we went to Leasburg and went to a super Target!!!! I walked in the door and looked ahead and saw glorious produce, I swear I even heard heavenly music playing. I looked to my left and saw the bakery and deli, both very nice. I looked even further left and what did I see ..... a STARBUCKS!!!!!!! Okay, this HAS to be heaven!!!!

We shopped ..... spent a little too much time on the Jelly Belly isle, but how could you not ..... I mean, Jeally Belly's in all flavors!!! Yes we spent over $10 on just those! I was like a kid in a candy store! (no pun intended)

They had a wonderful baby department that I wish we would have had more time to look through. Definately will be going back.

I wish I was feeling better and that Bart wasn't at his shopping threshold ...... but now that I know how heavenly it is, more trips will be made without a doubt!!!!

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Nights ... can't sleep

Well, here I am ........ AGAIN!!!!! What's up with this? Okay, so I slept most of the day BUT I was exhausted from all the panic attacks I had throughout the day. So along comes 11 and I thought maybe a hot bath would relax me before bed. So that's what I did .... which it was relaxing, I love baths! Then to bed ...it's about midnight by this time. I took my meds, (which let me back up ... forgot my 2's so took them prior to my bath) and I thought I'd be good to go. Then Socs started his nightly I have to go out whine!!!! He's so spoiled! Of course he wouldn't want to go out when both Bart and I tried to get him to go out on our way up to bed. So I get up, and take him out .... and just head to the basement. I knew I wouldn't sleep and I had promised Bart not to keep him up tonight. So I got on at the Jungle where Dawn is changing things left and right ... finally the place looks welcoming! Go Tunester! I remembered about QVC, so I turned that on .... bought something I shouldn't have, but sleep deprived, drugged, and it's almost my birthday. We'll see what Bart says in the morning when he finds out .... it can always be cancelled; although, it's only 15 bucks over wholesale, so good deal if you ask me.

Where was I ...... oh ya. So I chatted online with some friends who were watching QVC and we made fun of the host, etc. In the mean time I was falling asleep. So I thought I should head to bed .... by this time it's a little after 2AM. I get in bed, Socs crawls in beside me, I snuggle up to Bart which felt nice because I was freezing. I was out in no time. The next thing I know socs is on top of me and Bart is shaking me saying my name. UGH! Panic attack in my sleep .... lovely!!!!!! I apologize and Bart rolls over like he didn't want to hear what was even going on. I didn't say another word, except some wispers to Socs who was a bit worried. Looked at the clock .... 230AM .... geez, I didn't waste anytime did I? But again, out like a light in no time .... just to wake myself (and everyone else in bed) up by sitting up yelling NO!!!! Another bad dream .... again, Bart says nothing, except mutters "jesus christ" (which is NOT to be said unless you're in prayer) and goes back to sleep I guess. No questions or comfort from him!!!! I wanted more than anything just to be in his arms and go back to sleep, but I knew better. I promised him I wouldn't keep him up, and I like to keep my promises. So I calmed Socs down again, got some warm socks, shirt and pants (my pj's wouldn't cut it in the basement) and here I am. It's 4AM and I'm in the basement ... trying to get some creative energy which I'm plum out of so I can scrap. I've never been so behind in my life!!!!! I have so much that needs done ... pretty much all of 2005 and then Matt's first year for Mo! I HAVE to have it finished before leaving for China. Because after that ... all my scrapping needs to be current. I also need to get back to making an adoption journal ... that's something I feel would be extremely important to her once she's old enough.

So what to do .... keep my exausted self up until Bart gets up for work then sleep. Bad idea because then I won't sleep at night. What the heck?

This isn't my fault. My increase dosage of Klonopin makes me tired (and clumsy), who knows what's causing my increased anxiety but I can't just stop it. I just wish there was somehow to explain to Bart so he'd understand. He's to that point where he's sick of it ... sick of my problems. Sick of me having attacks in the night keeping him awake. I shouldn't keep him awake when he has to get up and go to work, but he should give a little too! I'm just at my wits end and am clueless as to what to do!!!!!

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Okay, so I admit it .....

I'm not doing well at all! A year (or more) ago, I was at a place I had never been .... and a place I never wanted to return. My anxiety was at it's peak, I was depressed, and to top it off .... I didn't want and did not leave my house! I had to stop working (for obvious reasons). I got my meds straight (finally ... after a year of going back and forth with different meds and dosages) and started counseling. I started feeling more myself .... I even started back to work. Now here's the problem ......... I'm headed back there, to the place I don't want to go!!!

I'm not sure how or why, but I'm going ..... I don't want to go, but yet I'm going ... despite my fighting, my talking to myself, I'm going and I don't feel I can stop.

My anxiety is again at it's peak .... I'm having daily attacks, and nightly ones ... even ones in my dreams. I don't like going out of the house, and it's hard to be around more than 3 or 4 people. Yet I'm still working .... for now.

I've missed 2 days already because I was sick .... one more occurance and I get a VERBAL warning, then a written, etc. So what do I do?? I have to work!!! I have to work or our adoption is history! We need my income for that. But yet, working isn't helping me at all .... I need time off, but I can't call in without getting a warning. I feel if I had some time off to "gather myself" to gain inner strength I can kick this. But how do I do that when I HAVE to work. I could get a doctors note to cover my time off, but that won't do any good. I haven't worked long enough to get FMLA. I'm at a loss, which makes things worse ..... makes me worry about the next day I work, which adds to the anxiety, etc. It's a never ending process ... and honestly I'm sick of it.

I need time .... I need help!

Friday, January 07, 2005

Ramblings

Okay ... so you've probably noticed I have Google adsense at the bottom for you to click on every visit so I get a few cents! :)

So let me just write about real estate to see if I get some real estate ads (I heard they pay more). Now we're not in the market to buy a house, not for a few years, but real estate is a nice thing .... it's a hot topic now! :)

Okay ... get clicking!

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Work blows

Okay, so now I'm made "CHARGE PERSON"!!! Give me a break .... did I ask to become this? I get a bit more money when I'm charge, but again, did I ask .... and was I trained? I just get it thrown at me and am expected to do it. Have I mentioned, I hate this hospital!?!???

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Great weekend ... for the most part

Besides being sick, it's been a nice weekend. The weather has been perfect. We took Socrates to the park yesterday to play and boy did he get a work out! He was one tired puppy.

I went to a couple stores to look for ideas for the babies nursery. Bart went into one store with me, but not the other. So not much help that was. The second store I went to had so much I'm just more confused than when I started! :) They had some adorable clothes too!!!!!! I can't wait until we see a picture so I can start buying!!! I'm getting more and more impatient every day!!!! (Go figure)

Today Bart's side of the family is having a family brunch. I want to go, but I don't ..... but we're going. Last night Bart was coming down with my lovely cold, etc so I'm sure he'll be lovely today. We'll see.