Hitting bottom

NEVER; and I do mean NEVER, have I felt this depressed in my life! I can't stop crying, I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus on anything ... all I seem to do right is cry! This has been going on since FRIDAY! I didn't know a person could produce these many tears! I wouldn't exactly call it crying, more like weeping! I'm a mess!!! I pathetically called Bart Monday bawling, and he came over and took me to his apartment. I didn't do anything but sleep ... which is what I needed. Okay, so I cried and cried before falling asleep on the couch. He called my mom (at my request), and told her what was going on and she came down on Tuesday. Last night he stopped by after work to find out I wasn't better, but worse. He and my mom talked me into doing something I NEVER thought I would do. I went to the emergency room. Bart has suggested I go in the past when I would have bad anxiety attacks, but I never could. I always thought (even though I know better) they would commit me. But, I went.
My Mom took me. They made her wait in the waiting area when they took me back which I found odd until I got to my room. They put me in the "purple zone". Had I not worked at the hospital before I would not have known the emergency room was in four different sections, red (adult), blue (overflow and admissions), green (pediatric), and purple (phychiatric). And where was I? PURPLE!! After they locked up all my clothes and belongings and the nurse asked me some questions they let my Mom come back. She walked in my room and I started crying and told her where I was. She hugged me and said, "remember I told you that I wouldn't let them do anything you don't want." I dried my tears and didn't shed another the rest of the night. We were there for four long hours!
I saw Dr. Pepper (no lie, that was is name!), who was SO nice. He said it's no wonder I was feeling like I was with everything I was going through. That made me feel better, somewhat. He left and the wait (the long wait) to talk to the crisis person started.
Thankfully I have the absolute best Mom in the entire world! (I don't lie when I say that! If you thought your Mom was, sorry ... it's mine!) She sat there in the freezing room with me keeping me entertained. Every time Dr. Pepper would pass she'd sing the "I'm a pepper you're a pepper" song from the old Dr. Pepper commercials and we'd both laugh.
Finally Sky came in ... she was the crisis lady. She was very nice as well. She had a list of questions to ask me, and then she talked to me. We spent about 20 or more minutes together. Then I was free to go.

I left with not only some prescriptions (I think I failed to mention I had weaned myself off of my meds), but I left with a clear mind. Sky said a lot that made sense. Finally I was told how to make decisions, the real decisions! It's funny, a lot she told me was things I needed to hear but didn't ask ... like the decision making. She said when making a decision, there are four things you need to look at ... your overall health, your heart, your head, and your spiritual being. She said that your spiritual being didn't have to be religious and that everyone had a spiritual being whether it was nature, art, or God, etc. For example ... If I do X will it effect my overall health? What does my head say? What does my heart say? If I do X, can I continue to grow spiritually? Makes a lot of sense to me!

Needless to say, I'm happy I went.

Alone

I have never felt so alone in my life!

Decisions

Decisions, it's something we're faced with every day. Some days may pass without any hard decisions, but daily we make a lot of decisions. The simple one's just pass by without much thought at all, you may not even realize that you've made a decision it was so minute. Then there are the kind that take some thought, the one's that keep us up at night. I'll take those minute one's any time!



Lately I've been faced with a lot of the decisions that keep me awake during all hours of the day and night. And right when you think you've made the decision, you're kept awake with yet another one ... I'm awake wondering if the decision I made was right! Is that a normal thing?



That's the problem ... how do you know you've made the right decision?? If I were asked this earlier in my life, I would have answered with barely thinking ... if you made the decision with your heart it has to be right. That's how I've made all the decisions in the past ... I've just followed my heart. When friends and family have come to me with problems, many times I've said those exact words ... just follow your heart. Now I find myself questioning my heart; therefor, not only questioning all the decisions I'm now making, but all those I've made in the past as well!



Weren't we graded in school for something they called "decision making"?? If that's so, I would have had to pass that class in order to graduate, right? It's that's true, why do I have such trouble with making decisions? Why do I question everything? Why wasn't I taught the real way to make decisions? Yes I was taught right from wrong by my parents. I know what's right and what's wrong ... morally and lawfully.
What I don't know is how to make the decisions I need to make to live my life.

Friday's SHOULD be good, right?

After a hellishness week of no ups just downs and TONS of tears, I don't even have the weekend to enjoy. I work! What's even worse is my parents are in town and today my mom has spent the day slaving away in my house packing while I slept. Talk about feeling guilty! She packed up the nursery because there was absolutely no why I could have done that! Then she has just been one lean mean packing machine!!
We're going to knock out my scrapbook room on one of my days off ... thankfully someone to help with that gigantic task!!!!! I don't know how I could have done this without her. And to top it off, she's here until Thursday!!! :) YEAH!!!!!

But alas, I work ... so I'm no help until Sunday! :(

Living in a half empty house

Do you know how it feels to come home to a house that was once full of furniture, and one day it's virtually empty??
Where there was once a couch and coffee table is just emptiness, where there was once a big bed with tons of blankets and quilts, is pure air. Nothing to cook with, but things to eat on ... a blanket to sleep under, but still cold. A half empty closet that was once packed with clothes.

I've done my share (and then some) of crying today. Couldn't go into work because my depression has once again gotten a hold of me! I'm at the end of my rope yet again, I seem to find myself here often! I just hope I can find the knot to hold onto!!!

Can you say ANXIETY??

Oh ya ... bad!!! Between lack of sleep, working so much, looking for a house, and the stress at home, my anxiety has been through the roof!!!! You might want to factor my PMDD in there too, you know me ... when I do it I REALLY DO IT!

I'm so frustrated with the whole house thing ... we've looked at a lot of places, some nice places, some not so nice ... but none are right! They just don't have the room I need! Or I find the PERFECT place, but it's too far (I'm trying NOT to commute). UGH!!! So on goes my daily ritual of looking at craigslist.com for that perfect place to call home.

Then there's the whole work thing and not having a place to live ... there's no way I can drive back and forth, so I've been sleeping on the floor in the attic of a friends house. It's the room where the band practices, so it has all the guitars, drums, mics, etc ... and then me! It's not like I can really sleep well ... let alone think.

Then this separation divorce thing ... why does it have to be so complicated?? I mean, getting married was so easy!!!!

One more thing and I will break!

Another good one ...

The hardest thing about losing love, is finding your way back.

Love this one

It's never to late to become what you might have been!

What was I thinking???

Someone out there is suppose to keep an eye on me ... you know, keep me from doing idiotic things like I did this week. What the heck was I thinking when I signed up for all this overtime, it's KILLING me!!! So far I have worked Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday ... thankfully I'm off tonight because I can NOT take another night!!!! I'm beat, totally exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well, I've been looking at houses, and sleeping at various places. (Don't you love my life?) Now I'm off ... and I plan to SLEEP because guess when I work again? You guessed it tomorrow! Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. HELLO ... earth to Abby!!! The human body is NOT suppose to do that many 12 hour shifts ... it's just not!! I think I do it from time to time to remind myself how bad it really is. But could you do me a favor and slap me next time ... I mean geesh!