As boring as it may be, it's my life. You live life and learn as you go along. So hop into my life and enjoy the ride! (You don't want to forget to buckle up, sometimes it's one heck of a bumpy ride!)

Monday, November 29, 2004

Can't sleep .....

What's up with this??? For the past week or so I can't sleep ... and when I do sleep I have nightmares!!! But once I get to sleep and the night mares are over ..... I sleep like a baby, but that is unfortunately when I SHOULD be up!!!!

So I'm on Ambien, tonight I took two .... nada. Here I am a few hours later!!! So what does one do when they can't sleep!??

Anyone out there with remedies!?

Friday, November 26, 2004

Happy Thanksgiving (a little late)

Okay ... so I'm late on wishing you a Happy Thanksgiving, but give me a break! :) I'm at work and anxiously awaiting 7AM so I can GO HOME!!!!!! I'm sick of this place!!!!

We're leaving for my parents for Thanksgiving (we're having it a day late) as soon as I get home. Mom has a huge feast planned as usual. Brenda and her family will be arriving tomorrow as well. I always like Thanksgiving because we're all under one house ... sometimes it can be a bit much, but I like it.

For those of you who know, I don't celebrate Thanksgiving .... it's the whole "first thanksgiving" come over for a big feast, teach us how to survive then we'll take your land and kill you thing that bothers me. :) But I look at it as a holiday to be thankful for what you have ... it IS afterall calle THANKSgiving. I'm SO thankful for my family! I have a wonderful family and I love them all. I'm especially thankful for my wonderful husband who has been there for me through some extremely rough times ... he's my safety net. I'm thankful for my health ... finally I'm gaining ground on the stupid disease (anxiety). And I'm especially thankful for that lady in China, whomever she is, that is carrying my baby girl.

To vacation or not to vacation .... THAT is the question

So what will it be? I have a nice stretch of time off (without taking any time off) in December (first part of) so we could take a trip. But the question is .... should we?

Bart was talking about going to Disney because it's been FOREVER since we've been and we both love it there in December. But it's so expensive .... the stupid park tickets kill you. So is it worth it? We are in the middle of an adoption, so we SHOULD be saving, right?

Maybe a trip to the beach .... the ocean, I LOVE the ocean. The sound of it is just so relaxing. I could sit and watch the waves for hours upon hours ... in fact I have! But again ... money. (Hotel snob here) It would be off season I would imagine, but still.

Then there's Charleston, SC which we visited earlier in the year for business. I'd love to go back there, such a neat place. But I think that would be better visited in the fall or spring as it's a place where you'd do a lot of walking. Not to mention ... not a cheap place to go.

So what to do?

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

My anxiety level

off the charts lately ... what's the deal? I did start on birth control (I know what you're thinking ... she can't have children so she takes the pill), but that shouldn't have anything to do with it.

I do admit that when I work I don't take my night pills ... but would that throw me out of wack this badly? I'm back to having trouble falling asleep because of obsessive thinking, etc ... not to mention just general anxiety.

FIX ME!

Monday, November 22, 2004

Depression

I don't know what the deal is ....

I'm at work, and I just feel blah. (Yes I've taken all my meds) Today (well I guess it was yesterday) before I came in, I pretty much slept all day. Not a sound sleep ... but the sleep where you just kinda lay there and don't feel like getting up. Laying there depressed. It's so hard to explain.

I did end up gettin up (obviously) a few hours before I had to leave for work. I laid on the couch and watched cartoons. Bart made a yummmy dinner, he's a sweetie and off to work I went. Still feeling blah ....

There are some things on my mind that I'd rather not mention ... I feel bad for even thinking it, so writing it would be even worse. But I just don't know ... it's weird.

I don't know if I've been working too much, because I've been doing full time. And I said I would next schedule as well ... I just feel I might as well while I can. The money is nice, and it just means we can do more for the adoption.

Who knows ...........

Sunday, November 21, 2004

I just can't take it

Okay .... last night I worked (7-7) and I had the nursery. No biggie ... I love working with the babies. So I get a page, call right back and find out they have a new admit to the "special care nursery". Okay ... so up I go. (I was in the department, to get to the scn you go out of the department and down the hall and up ONE flight of stairs, then down another hall .... SHORT trip) So anyway, I get there and this nurse (we'll just call her stupid for her privacy) was there ... as soon as I walk in she looks up at me as she is struggling with the flow meter and nasal canula and said I'm getting this on him since you took so long to get up here!!!! Okay ... I bite my tongue and ignore it (we've butted heads before). I continue to walk over and say, so what do we have. The nurse that has the baby STARTS to tell me and STUPID says "I need that thing". Ummm, okay ... that thing, right on it! I look at her and say what thing? "You know that thing in the back" Okay ... getting EXTREMELY frustrated here!!! I start naming off THINGS that she might be talking about and she's getting mad and giving me smart remarks because I can't read her mind! Finaly she says, I need to measure the o2 he's on. Okay ... thanks for the tid bit of info there. So I figure she wants a hood .... it's measurable and concentrated. So I go get it, come back with the set up and STUPID said, I didn't ask for that, I just need a bag and an analyzer. So again, I bite my tongue and go back, get a bag (she had an analyzer but wasn't aware of it). I hook it all up and everything is fine. Well, not fine ... I had to switch everything STUPID did so I could analyze the O2, but it was fine.

So this happens around 430AM ... luckily towards the end of the shift. I spend a lot of time up in the scn with the baby during the procedures (spinal taps, etc) to keep check on the sats. (I won't even tell you about STUPID blocking his airway during the tap).

So finally the time comes to go home .... I give report, I go to the locker room and get my stuff to leave and it hits me ... PANIC ATTACK!!!! I sit down for a minute but afraid someone might see me ... so I hurry to the elevator and out of the building crying and shaking .... a little dizzy too. I get to my car and could do nothing but cry and shake!!! There was no way I could drive home, so I had to call and have Bart come and get me! How sad is that!?! Being the great husband he is, he didn't mind one bit and comforted me on the phone until he got there. I felt like such an idiot. I guess it was a combination of that STUPID NURSE getting to me and I forgot to take my meds that night while I was at work.

Monday, November 15, 2004

A "new" hutch for the kitchen

Finally .... I got a hutch!!! Our kitchen is BIG and needed something in it ... even Shyam suggested a hutch. :) Not to mention we needed someplace to keep the place settings we received as wedding gifts over 6 years ago (yes they were still in their boxes). I found one at an antique store ... not exactly what a wanted, but the right size, and price so we got it. It was delivered yesterday while I was at work, so you know what I had to do when I got home .... start unpacking and filling it!!! Man does it look nice ... but the kitchen looks a lot different. And the hutch matches the cabinets but not the kitchen table. But does it really matter? The kitchen table has a butcher block top and the legs are white ... so I think with a runner on it, it will all blend just fine. The hutch that matched the table was not only too small, but also cost more than this one, not to mention I didn't really like it.

Tomorrow our furniture is FINALLY being delivered .... we'll have a place to sit now!!!! Now when we get company they have a seat besides the floor or kitchen table! I can't wait! It's all starting to come together and look like a home!!

Saturday, November 13, 2004

Worry .....

How is it possible to worry so much about something you don't know .... let me rephrase that, someone you don't know.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my unborn daughter and worry about her health ... her prenatal care. Is she even getting prenatal care?? Is this pregnancy being hidden ... is the mother being hidden so she doesn't get in trouble with the government for being pregnant? I worry for the health of the mother ... I wonder what she is thinking. Does she already know she's going to abandon this child ... my child?

We are both very anxious to go to China and get our child, but that is far off ... a year! A year ... a year more of worries, of not knowing ... a year of fear for a child and mother I don't know. How will she be "given up"? It's illegal to abandon your child in China so it's done in unsafe manners. How will my daughter be abandoned? Will the mother stay nearby out of site watching to make sure she stays safe? How heart wrenching it will be for her to do such an act, an act that will go unknown from those around her (except her family that knows). An act that I'll ever be indebted to her for ... giving up her child for me, someone that is unable to have a child and wants one more than anything. I'll never get to express my gratitude to her, to thank her for her selfless act. But I can pray for her piece of mind .... and pray that she stays safe ..... and worry ...............

Thursday, November 11, 2004

Adoption physical ....

I'll spare you from singing "lets get physical" ... although it's in my head! :)

I worked last night ... came home, slept a couple hours, then off to my doctor appointment. I got my physical (nothing big ... just look in the ears, eyes, listen to heart and lungs, that kinda stuff), got my blood work done that I was suppose to get done after my last physical physical in July (I lost the paper saying what I needed), and I even took a pregnancy test!!!! How funny is that! (It was negative of course) I had to take the prego test because I was getting a script for birth control.
I know what you're thinking .... why waste your money when you know you can't get pregnant. Since you asked ..... :) For the past few months my cycle has been funky (I'll spare you the details) so to fix it, I'm going on the pill. Now here's the GREAT part ... I'll only have FOUR periods a year!!!! Is that not the coolest thing?? I'm way excited! That might even help with my PMDD ... we'll have to wait and see.

I have to go back next week for my TB test since it's a 48 hour thing .... and I'll get the results from my blood work then. Soooooo, check another thing off the adoption list!

Help me get a free IPod .... PLEASE

http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=11483741

Come on .... you know you want to!!!!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Broken draw string

I have been walking around all night pulling up my pants ... my stupid draw string is broken on my scrubs!!! I've tried a hemistat to hold them together so they'd stay up but that was just too bulky and uncomfortable. So now I have them folded and rolled down into my panties :) Seems to be working .... only 3 hours to go!!!!!

I've been busy tonight! I have the ED as well as floors. It's been one thing after another .... I get to the ED, the floor pages me, I get to the floor the ED pages me .... it's never ending. But finally at 430AM I get to sit down!!! It's croup season, so I've seen a lot of kids in the ED .... so that's been fun. Not that the kids are sick, but it's always fun treating kids. Well not ALWAYS, but tonight they've all been good kids (knock on wood).

Well, there goes my pager AGAIN, so I'm off to the ED ................

Friday, November 05, 2004

We're sanatary

Today was our sanitation test for our adoption today and we passed. They ran the water in the kitchen ... hot and cold, flushed the flushy in the bathroom, looked for hazards in what will be the babies room, asked where we buy our milk, and about our trash disposal service. Quick and easy. We just need to fax in proof of rabies vaccination for Socrates and we're good to go.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

UGH

Well it's only 1248 AM and I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!! I get off between 7 and 730AM so there's a long way to go. I'm not sure what the problem is but I'm just having a rough time!!! I had a bad anxiety attack about an hour ago and just hid in the bathroom. I'm still having anxiety, but atleast I've stopped crying. I just feel shakey, and want to be in my own environment!!!!!! I hate this!!!!!

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Staying awake ...........

I'm at work and it's that time of night when I just drag!!!! Between 3 and 5 is the longest time!!!! I'm in the ICU so I'm sitting here waiting for 5 to roll around to do my AM gasses and last vent checks.

Today is going to suck .... I need to vote AND I have a dr. apointment at 1030, then it's back here at 7PM. ICK!!!!!! Hopefully the dr. won't be running late and I'll be in and out in no time!! (RIGHT)

This week I'm working 3 in a row .... not looking forward to it at all! The money will be nice, but ugh.

Tonight started out crappy ... but has gotten better. I'm still not feeling well, so I don't feel like doing much at all. I don't think I took my 2PM meds, so that doesn't help matters. I was doing a blood gas on a patient that came up from the ER and broke out into a cold sweet and got extremely light headed (great thing to do when you have a needle in someone's arm). I quickly finished up and went and washed my face and sat down and drank some gingerale. It was about 2AM .... I was shaking and figured I missed my 2PM meds, and was late on my 10PM ones. SUCKS! So I went and got a bagel and took my meds, but still feel blah! Since I've been working I just haven't been real good about taking my meds on time. I need to work something out.