Quote of the day .....

"Nowhere can man find a quieter or untroubled retreat than his own soul." -Marcus Aurelius

The Way I See It # 78 (from Starbucks cup)

"My inspiration for writing comes from the mundane details of my day. I hear a song in the hum of the New York subway, in the drops of rain on the city street, in the buzz of overheard conversations in a crowded park. The aim of my songwriting is to translate these ordinary, everyday moments into something transcendental and universally inspiring." ~John Legend (Musician. His songs can be heard on Starbucks Hear Music Station, XM Satallite Radio Channel 78.)

I think Spring is here ....

This evening (well, late afternoon) ... I was sitting in my chair on the laptop in front of the bay window while Socrates snoozed away, and for the first time of the season I heard that unmistakable noise you can hear from courts away! Mr. Softy ...




Could you imagine how much that job would suck, you'd have to listen to that song the WHOLE time!!!!!! I'd SO go insane .... well, more insane! :)

It's official ... I SO rock!

If you haven't read the previous little ditty ... It's a must read before this one!

Okay ... Now I know you're all jealous since I got an email from the one and only Erin Lincoln. No need to be jealous ... Someday you MIGHT, if you try hard enough, be like me! :) Well guess what just happened ..... U huh, you guessed it ... a SECOND email from her! Oh yah!


Okay, I know .... MAJOR DOERS HERE!!!! But hey, I admire her work, LOVE her recent book Savvy Scrapping, so what do you expect? And yes ... Her picture I got taken with her will go right next to "my friend" Katherine Brooks! :)

Make fun of me all you want, I don't care

Here I sit ... up early AGAIN (can't figure that out ... don't ask), read my usual blogs, responded some ... then was going about my business catching up at the Jungle, etc. Okay ... sit down for what I'm about ready to tell you .... are you sitting?
Up pops the little email thing from outlook saying I have an email (usually junk), but I look down and who just wrote me ..... ERIN LINCOLN! Okay, being the big dork I am .... I'm jumping up and down screaming (inside of course ... it's morning, you think I have that kind of energy?)!!!! THE Erin Lincoln wrote me an email!!!!

Okay stop laughing ... especially you Casii, I can hear you from here! I can't help it ... I'm on cloud 9! Of course I call my husband all excited to tell him, and he SO didn't care .... didn't even act excited! MEN! So I said, did you hear me, Erin Lincoln emailed me .... (then I thought, okay put it in computer geek terms) that's like Bill Gates emailing you!!!! All I get is a laugh, and I'll give you a call when I get to work!

Geesh people ... Erin Lincoln cared the very best to go BEYOND a Hallmark card (sorry, couldn't resist after saying cared the very best) and email me!!! I know, I rock! :)

My life as it seems on the outside ... Compared to the inside

Remember that Seinfeld episode where George was talking about how he couldn't have the Georges colliding? The work George, the friend George, the son George, etc.
I admit it, I use to be that person ... as I feel many are. You play the part of who you need to be at that time, in that situation. But now I'm back to me ... the person I use to be, the what you see is what you get me. I don't have the multipe Abby's, there's just one ... I act how I act no matter where I am, or who I am with. Why pretend to be something you're not? People are either going to like you or not .... so you might as well just give it all to them. I just need to work on keeping comments to myself ... :)

But let's talk about me ... I know I probably lost you right there! You're leaving to find something better to do, more interesting ... trust me I don't blame you! But here I am 31, married, a child somewhere in that adoption process, I have a good job, a college degree, and a dog. Doesn't sound too bad does it? Not on the outside ... but on the inside is a WHOLE other story! I'm not even going to get into the whole adoption process crap because that pretty much speaks for itself (which honestly I'm sick of). Let's talk about my age ... 31! Doesn't sound old ... I don't feel old, but when I look back at where I wanted to be at 31, I'm far from it! But then I wonder ... does anyone actually end up how they planned? I wanted children earlier, a great job earlier, to own a beautiful house, etc. But here I am at 31 ... no kids (yet a dog), and we rent a townhouse! Yes I have a job, one that is very demanding everywhere .... which is good! I could go anywhere and get a job easily. That's the nice things about being in the medical profession. But do I like my job? Very good question ... I love respiratory, I love the people I work with ... does that mean I love my job? I can say that working at the local hospital considered to hospitals in inner city Baltimore is totally different. If it wasn't for the commute, I'd be back in Baltimore or DC in a heartbeat! The 10 minute (if that) commute spoils you!!!! But I miss the traumas, call me gross and morbid ... but I miss the blood and gore! I miss going to the birth of premies, and high risk deliveries .... even though it wasn't always a good outcome. I miss having a say in what I did, my opinion mattered. If I felt this patient would benefit from a different med .... done! If I felt the vent settings needed changed, I didn't even have to ask! I felt more needed, more like I was actually doing something ... I actually saved lives! Now I'm just a neb jockey with no say on anything. Sure it will be considered, but who am I? It's sad when you're driving to work hoping for a cool code!!!
So that's my job .... you can figure out where I stand on it for yourself.

My love, my passion is art .... anything that has to do with art! The other evening we were coming back from dinner and the sky was a very odd color of Indigo's ... lights and darks. Of course I'm amazed at the beauty of the color with the starts twinkling through, thinking that would be a BEAUTIFUL picture and/or painting. I point it out to my husband who I think looked to keep from getting "the look" and continued to go inside. I would have been so content to just set on the front steps (as cold as it was) and just look up at the beautiful indigo's and twinkling stars soaking up the inspiration. To me, everything I see is art ...
I own an online scrapbook store, which does okay. I'd LOVE to own a brick and mortar store because I know it would be more than okay. But for now it's just a pipe dream. For awhile I had gotten my hopes up with the rental property my brother in law and sister had, but to be honest ... I don't think they took me seriously when I expressed interest. I'm the youngest of 3 ... My sister is 12 years older and my brother is 9 years older ... so I'm REALLY the youngest. I'm also known as the one that will take risks, the carefree one ... back to the one me, you get what you get thing. I don't think my family really has the confidence that I do, that I could have a scrapbook store and actually make it a successful business ... I mean, it's Abby! Bart on the other hand, says he knows I could do it ... but I don't know if he means it. I think he's playing the supportive husband role. But it's my dream ... as it is a lot of women's. Scrapbooking is extremely popular now ... and my husband informs me the market is oversaturated with it. (like that's possible) Owning a store like that is something I can see myself doing until I retire ... unlike what I do now.

But anyway ... that's that. I think I started out with a point, but ended up with a ramble .... but that's just me! :)

You guessed it ... Wednesday Counseling

Believe it or not, today's session was one of the better one's. Not that we really got anywhere, but I think she has gotten some more insight on me. We also ended the session with a relaxation technique and although it didn't totally work, I do have to say when I was finished I just wanted to crawl into bed!

Of course there was my post counseling therapy (shopping) .... didn't buy much at all! Nothing exciting whatsoever! I guess I'm saving up for other things ... who knows!

The Way I See It #78 (From the Starbucks cup)

"In an age when pictures have become more eloquent than words, schools are still programmed to reduce the child's immersive interaction with the isual world to the practical poverty of the alphabet. Visual literact shoulc become a pedagogical priority in order to prepare our chilren to function within the increasingly visual complexity of our environment."

Vik Muniz (Artist and photographer. Bor in Sao Paulo, Brazil, he now resides in New York City)

Sleep

For the past 72ish hours, all I have done is pretty much sleep! I have ZERO energy, I can't keep my eyes open, and I just want to sleep ... so that's what I have done!!! Monday I woke up at 7 and didn't know if it was AM or PM as I had been asleep since Sunday ... well, Monday at 2AM. After finding out it was PM, I was shocked I had slept so long .... I forced myself out of bed. But that didn't last long ... before I knew it, I was snuggled back down under the covers and out like a light!!!

This morning I woke up around 2 or 3 AM .... so could have just gone back to sleep, but I felt I needed to make myself stay up. I felt nasty ... so needed a shower!!!! So I took a nice hot shower, washed my hair .... felt SO much better. I did stay up, even though it was hard to do! I tried keeping myself busy and my eyes opened ... but around 10ish I couldn't do it anymore, so I curled up with Socrates on the couch and slept until Bart came home around 6! I've slept off and on all night, and I've finally given in and came to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be different. I know I have been majorly sleep deprived (not to factor in the mental exhaustion from the stress of everything) ... but geez!

I have some catching up on blogs to do, I've started them ... just need to finish them. But I'm having enough trouble ending this one without falling asleep on the keyboard. :)

Night ....

Men and there toys

What is it about men and there toys? All it takes is the SLIGHTEST little shimmer of an electronic something and they're drawn to it like a magnet.

Being married to a computer geek, we are constantly getting packages with the newest gadgets (or as I like to call them ... the newest shiny object). Silver and shiny ... he has to have it. Sadly, my nephew is becoming that way as well! He has the PSP, iPod, cell phone, digital camera, etc ... all very nice, and all very shiny.

Bart is a PC man to the death ... so he has always told me. When I wanted a notebook (remember when Mac had the cute notebooks that came in colors?), of course I couldn't get THAT! What was I thinking asking for a Mac product? He gave in on the iPod, how could he not? It's the best MP3 player out there!!! Then a few weeks ago he started talking (or should I say geek speaking) about this new computer that was out .... A MAC!! He didn't want to admit it, but he loved this thing ... not only that, but he wanted it! My Bill Gates, Jr wanted a MAC!!!!!! Jaw hitting the floor, I wasn't sure what to say! I thought he was just talking ... I mean, it was a Mac ... they were evil, no good, vial things. Not to mention ... not shiny!

So today, we get a package from UPS .... I of course get excited because it comes to my business name (because he paid via paypal), open it and it's just some computer something or other. Beats me ... all I know is it goes inside the computer, and honestly, that's all I want to know! Then later in the day what comes? A BIG heavy box, addressed to Bart. Hmmmmm! I didn't know he ordered anything, what the heck could it be?

You've probably guessed by now ... he got it! There is now a 2GHz Intel Core Duo with a 20-inch widescreen LCD sitting on his desk, all set up ... and he's loving it!!! Okay I admit, I have no clue what the heck 2GHz Intel Core Duo means, I'd have to get out my geek speak to English dictionary. But it's pretty sweet looking. And of course NOBODY is to know he has it! (Heaven forbid!!) But wait, it's not his .... it's mine! PLEASE! I didn't ask for it, I just wanted a bigger monitor and a cool pink keyboard. So really, it's mine, not his ... so if people find out, it's not as big of a deal! Is he forgetting about the Mac mini sitting under his desk? That's his!

But I don't mind ... I'm redoing my Scrapbook room, and the white will look much better than my black Dell that I've SO been wanting to spray paint! But ... we'll have to see if I get it! :)

Thought I'd share a quote ....

Ran across this one today .... I had forgotten about it, but have always loved (no pun intended) it!

It matters not
who you love,
where you love,
why you love,
when you love,
or how you love,
It matters only
that You love.
~ John Lennon

Why does the past always come up in the future?

Sometimes the past needs to stay in the past! The bad date when you took a bite of pizza and just got all the cheese that slapped you in the face ... there's no need to remember that is there? The embarrassing things you said to someone you were head over heals for that just didn't come out right .... for example, offering him a Blow Pop (you know the sucker with gum in the middle), but didn't exactly say it right!! Nope, don't need to remember it ... however it is funny to look back on! The first guy that broke your heart .... forget him! Stick him in the past and bury him, jerk!
But what I'm talking about is more like losing a very close friend that you grew up with in a car accident the week before her graduation. Losing someone that was in your "crowd" in high school (you knew him ... not well, but well enough) to suicide. I could go on, I've had my share of death in my 31 years ... more than really! I was so shocked at my Aunts funeral to find out it was the first funeral my sister had attended! She's 12 years older than me, and there I was 20 years old and had been to more than I care to count! (She missed my Grandparents due to her pregnancies.)
Losing someone is hard, no matter who they are .... a relative, a friend, a co-worker you barely know, even someone you don't know but a friend does can be hard. No matter how long you knew them, how well you knew them, or in some cases, IF you knew them .... death is hard to deal with! Everyone has there own way of dealing .... some healthy, some not. Then there's those who don't deal with it, and just move on .... shut themselves off to that emotion, to the world, friends if they need to, and move on. (Good example of an unhealthy way that will ALWAYS backfire ... ALWAYS!)

Recently a friend of mine lost her boyfriend. I was there for her as I would be for any of my friends that needed me. As hard as it was for me to listen to her, to give her advice, etc ... I was there, and stayed strong for her. But on the inside I was a wreck ... it was digging up the past, I was reliving parts of my past again, parts I didn't want to. But for her, I did it! And to be honest, I think it was helpful to me as well as her. As I told her that he was there with her, he knew she loved him, he could hear her talking to him .... I could remember doing all that myself. As I listened to her talk, cry, mourn .... I offered all I had. My advice, my thoughts on life, and my experience with death. All of which helped her, and me at the same time.
At a time when I needed healing in that part of my life, I got it .... but the weird thing is, I got it from myself. From listening to my own advice. Sounds stupid, but when I listened to what I was telling her, things I believed ... yet, wasn't putting into effect in my situation, I got a sense of peace. And thankfully, she's gotten peace as well!

So why can't the past stay there .... we move on healthy and happy?
No need to give me an answer ... I know, nor would I want the past to stay there. People live through the memories you carry of them. As long as you have those memories, you have them. Personally, I wouldn't want to EVER forget about a loved one I have lost, no matter how hard it is to think of sometimes. Death is painful for the living, painful for the one's who loved them, hard for them to move on ... but that's what we have to do, move on. We move on with our memories, with them forever in our hearts. I've been known to be sitting, and think of something my Aunt Mary said or did once and just bust out laughing. I think it's her way of letting me know, I'm still with you, and not to be sad. As hard as it is not to get depressed, over the death of a loved one, we have to remember that as long as we hold the memories of them close ... they will forever be with us.

Lifebook Crop

Twice a month a group of ladies in the area meet to work on our lifebooks. Needless to say, I haven't been to many ... okay one! After the first one, I had to work ... and then the whole STOP in our adoption made it hard to think of even going. (Everyone in the group has adopted already)

Today, I went! I didn't want it ... cried a lot on the way there .... pretty much the whole way home, but held it together while I was there! These ladies are extremely understanding and nice ... they've understood why I haven't been at the meetings, etc. One emailed me Saturday telling me she was so excited to hear I was coming! She had a lot of kind comforting things to say. She even asked if I wanted to do a page for her daughters lifebook, she said it would be something that wouldn't be personal or anything to upset me. But if I wanted something to do, she'd be honored to have someone as talented as myself do a page! (Geesh, what a compliment!) She adopted from Russia ... beautiful girls! I wrote her back, told her I'd be honored to do a page for her daughter's lifebook and would see her Sunday.

Of course today came, and it was another story ... I was an hour late .... and it's only 2 hours. (Personally I think it needs to be longer) I didn't get much done, but inking 2 pictures and matting one, for the page ... but gave everything to her and told her I'd finish it next time! Next time .... ugh!

I enjoy it, don't get me wrong ... it's just SO hard! Listening to all the stories, seeing all the pictures ... and of course the lady who hosts us adopted from China, and her daughter is absolutely BEAUTIFUL! When she came home from the park with her Dad and she yelled "MOMMY" from upstairs, and then came downstairs ..... I about burst into tears! Thankfully it was time to leave!

I would tell them I no longer can attend because it's just an emotional strain on me, but I feel like I would be letting them down. They all seem to look to me for help and guidance as they're new to scrapbooking. I could have gotten more done on the page if I wasn't answering questions and helping with various things. So I just don't feel right not going at least once a month. And maybe it will get easier ... who knows! The next is in two weeks .... so we shall see!

Just a little update ....

For those wondering if Sandy has called .... no.

She has however been able to send out 3 group (as in to all adoptive parents) emails though! Makes you kinda wonder doesn't it?

Yes, Bart will be calling first thing when they open. If he has to leave a message and it's unanswered, he's calling again before she leaves for the day. This will go on until she talks to him. Or at least until the end of the week.

She has ALWAYS dealt with Bart when it comes to anything, any problem that arose, that's who she spoke with. He's more .... how would you say it ... Diplomatic than me. He'll express his feelings, but in a professional way. She thinks I'm just this nice soft spoken chick ..... man is she ever wrong!!!! I was giving her until April to get us some answers we're happy with, not just the crap that she thinks we want to hear. We want the truth! She's about to meet the real Abby .... and she will NOT like it one bit! I am NOTHING like my husband when it comes to handling situations! I live by my own rules, I don't play games and I refuse to have them played with me.

So we'll see what happens .... and of course I'll keep you posted!

Thanks to all who click

Thanks to all of you that not only read my blog (as boring as it might be), but to those who are faithful clickers of my google ads! ROCK ON! I got an unexpected check in the mail for $100 thanks to the clicks .... so click on! :)

Today's challenge is all about COLLECTIONS (thanks Casii)

What do you collect? Shoes, the decorative kind, not the kind you wear ... however, my husband would disagree!
How long have you been collecting? Beats me, I was little .... not sure of the age, early grade school I'd say.
What got you started? Good question! I'm not exactly sure what got me started, but it's the love for art and design that keeps it going!
Who got you started? My Grandmother. We were visiting her house, and I always loved this glass shoe she had on a shelf. I don't remember if I played with it ... or just admired it, but one lucky day I was told I could have it!
Do you display your collections, and if so, where do you display your treasures? Why collect something and not display them? Takes the fun out of it, if you can't share your love of something with others! Most of my collection is displayed (don't laugh) in my powder room on the main level of our town house. Okay, odd place for shoes .... but really it's not! That room TOTALLY rocks! I have a shelf that holds a lot of them, and of course a few towels with shoes, a hat box with a shoe (to keep extra TP in), etc. Then on the wall beside the powder room is two more shelves with some more. But you'll see them throughout the house here and there ... but the majority is there.
What does your collection/collections mean to you? For one, it's a connection with my Grandmother (who I very much miss). Who knows if I'd collect shoes if it wasn't for that first one?
Where do you shop to look for additions to your collections? eBay, card shops, craft stores. Anywhere that sells little "dust collectors" as my lovely husband calls them. I'd LOVE to finish my collection of Sandra Lyman Clough .... I only have Claudette! But now they're hard to find! :(


Okay, so I collect other things ... mainly Disney artwork! I LOVE the sketches! I love art, and to see the sketches of how it started is amazing to me. I guess my two collections kind of go together ... both show my love of art and design!

I went to bed ....

I took a shower, crawled into bed for a big TWO hours and got up and was at Kelly's with time to spare! I was greeted at the door by two overly energetic people, you know how those morning people are! :) Me, I'm not sure if my eyes were both open ... but I was there!

Kelly drove and we made it there in one piece .... just kidding, she's an excellent driver! The class was in Hagerstown, and was taught by Erin Lincoln (her recent book is GREAT, it's called Savvy Scrapbooking). We had a load of fun ... especially after I woke up! Casii and Kelly knew pretty much everyone .... and I was shunned a couple times ... but in the end they loved me! lol

LOVE the project we made, even though I had technical difficulties with mine! The slow start really got to me I think! But when it came to taking those little inserts out of the DVD cases ... WATCH OUT!!!!! Man that was fun! Of course Erin started calling me furousis, but hey ... stabbing something with a sharp object and NOT getting in trouble, bring it on!!! :)

After the class, we of course shopped ... how couldn't you .... you're there, isn't it a must do type of thing? Kelly and Casii went on there way, and Bart picked me up because we were going to my sisters, then to take another look at the possible location of Creativity Starts Here. Needs a lot of work to make it look how it would need to, but SO much possibility. But we'll see. They've had some calls about it, so I'm giving it some time ..... and if nobody has rented, it was meant to be, and if somebody has, it wasn't. I'll kick myself and be mad about it because I REALLY want to do it!!!! But it needs a lot of work, and we'd have to shell out a lot of money to get displays, and stock ... not that I don't have enough here ... but I'd need more, and new stuff. And of course the amount of time I'd need to spend there .... I'd have to get up early (GASP) to open! I could do it though! But with the adoption so up in the freaking air, it's so hard to even think! We can't exactly start something then close it down while we're in China for a month, etc! But after we got back and she was use to being around people, etc I could have her with me all the time! Major plus if you ask me! But we'll see what happens.

So here I am .... same old question, different morning

Do I go to bed, or stay up?

Tomorrow (excuse me this morning), I am meeting Casii at Kelly's house (at 0915) and then from there we're going to Starbucks (Have I ever mentioned my love for that place?) to meet two other ladies to go to a scrapbooking class. Bart's of course making fun of me, because he said we're acting like the class is HOURS away, when it's only like 30 minutes. But what fun is it, if you don't go in a group? Men!

So, I FINALLY got my pictures picked out and printed. (Yes Casii, you got yours before me ... you won) I have everything for the class ready to go .... but it's almost 0600. So what do I do? Stay up and read some of Erin Lincoln's wonderful book Supply Savvy Scrapbooking so I can refer to it during class so she knows I DID read it! :) or shower quickly and catch a little bit of sleep?

Is everyone's life THIS complicated!!!! (Wouldn't that be nice)

I think I'll go take that shower, and go from there .... I'm going to need it anyway, right?

Happy St. Patrick's Day to you all

Yes, my favorite holiday ... call me strange; go ahead, I don't mind! I'm Irish, very proud of my heritage, as I think everyone should be. And I'm just lucky enough to have a day just for me to celebrate it (unlike other heritage's out there). So in honor of those glorious of holidays, I'll leave you with this Irish Blessing:

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May God be with you and bless you:
May you see your children's children.
May you be poor in misfortune,
Rich in blessings.
May you know nothing but happiness
From this day forward.

May the road rise up to meet you
May the wind be always at your back
May the warm rays of sun fall upon your home
And may the hand of a friend always be near.

May green be the grass you walk on,
May blue be the skies above you,
May pure be the joys that surround you,
May true be the hearts that love you.

I love you Grandma and Grandad, you'll never be forgotten! Grandma, your Irish spirit and love or your Irish heritage lives through me! I love and miss you both! Éireann go Brách!!!

Socrates is four ...

You guessed it ... my puppy isn't really a puppy anymore! Today was his birthday ... pushed aside a bit by the bigger holiday (just don't tell him that); but still, his birthday! Yes we are a bit strange ... have you figured that one out yet? We got him a beautiful cake that he got a piece of, man was it gone before you could snap a couple pictures! I guess he hasn't learned to eat slowly and enjoy! But hey ... he's a dog, what do you expect?
A new Nyla (is that how you spell it?) bone and a piece of cake ... what more could a dog want?

Okay, it's obvious we don't have kids .... why else would a couple go all out for a dogs birthday?? And I know you're wondering ... yes we sang to him! Laugh all you want, but hey ... I got birthday cake out of the deal!

So inconsiderate!!!

Bart told me tonight that we both received emails today from Sandy (the head of Chinese adoptions at our agency ... she's who we deal with), one sent to his work email, one to my home email. After reading his, he signed onto my computer from work and permenately deleted the one off my computer because he didn't want me getting it. (Smart man!)

Obviously this was an oversight, we all make mistakes ... but still! I'm guessing she makes email folders for each group (makes sense, it would be easier to send out group emails, etc) .... obviously she didn't bother to remove us from this folder when we didn't get our referral and were no longer in group 26. BIG oversight!!

Bart wasn't going to tell me, but I'm glad he did ... he didn't want me to get upset, etc, which I understand ... but I'm glad to know.

The email was an upbeat excited email about travel dates, etc. "Your travel dates have arrived!" "Your counselet appointments are on X dates". Ummm, no ..... OUR travel dates didn't arrive, we have no appointments, we have no freaking referral!!!! Nice to know our group leaves for China THIS week without us! Bart instantly picked up the phone, and Sandy was conviently on a conference call, in a meeting ... something. So he emailed her telling her, we don't hear a word from her or the agency for 3 weeks and THIS is what we get! He left his cell phone number (which she has) and asked her to call him as soon as she gets the message, he wants to talk.

What the heck? And has she called .... nope!

Gotta Love Shyam!

This morning at 10AM this morning he was released on probation. He luckily didn't have to serve his 30 days. He called me around 11.30ish from home! He said it felt good to get home, take a shower, and shave! He had lovely things to say about the whole experience, especially about his cell mate! It's nothing he wants to do again! His exact words, "Dude, I'm never getting high again!". He's been clean 3 months, so he's off to a great start!
Unfortunately I didn't get to talk to him long as there were TONS of family there to see him. Tonight he went to an NA meeting with his sponsor (is that the right word), and then he was dropping him back off at the rehab facility where he was prior to his jail time.
I would have loved to be able to see him, but knew that wasn't going to happen because he was so busy today with getting his probation papers, etc. But talking to him was great! Seemed kind of weird, not like it use to be ... but maybe that was just me being paranoid.
Soon he'll have cell phone privledges and be aloud to come home on weekends (starting a few hours at a time). So it won't be long until I get to see him, as long as all goes well.
I surprisingly held myself together while talking to him, didn't cry at all. But as soon as we hung up ... the tears came. Why, I don't know .... I think it was relief, knowing he was safe and doing great.

No counseling Wednesday

I didn't schedule an appointment for this week because I had requested today through Sunday off for St. Patrick's Day. I thought maybe we could get away for the holiday.
Bart and I are working things out. I stayed up Monday night writing him a letter to which he wrote back, and of course I wrote back again last night. Seems odd, I know ... but this seems like the only way we can ever work things out without getting in a fight. Makes sense, you write down all you want to say, you have no interruptions, etc. It works ... for us anyway. So we're getting there!

I think most of it stems from the adoption .... it has worn on both of us. Bart is ready to tell them to forget it, but I can't. But not hearing anything for this long is getting ridiculous!!! When we're told they'll stay on them, one would think we'd get weekly updates ... even if it's to say nothing is new but we're still doing everything we can. I'm tired of the run around, I'm tired of hearing what they feel we want to hear .... I want the truth!

Why do I always get the ER?

I don't mind, I like the ER ... I'd much rather have it than the floors, but it seems every time I work I get the ER! I think it's because I do the 4 hour thing so I just get put there. But who knows the last time I had the unit!

I wore my new Dansko's tonight ... I even had patients complimenting me! I so rock!!! :)

Sunday's drama

I hate sleeping the day away, especially on the weekend!!!!! It feels good to sleep and be all comfy, but what a waste of a day! Especially when I feel like I never get to see my husband enough anyway.

Today I got woken up by the phone, Beth was calling to see if I'd go to the funeral home this evening with her to the viewing. I was going to meet her in the department at work around 4.45. So we get everything settled, I hang up ... look at the clock and it's 2 something! Bye Saturday! Bart was of course sound asleep on the couch. I proceeded to get dressed, etc. Go down wake him up ... talk about grouchy! Phone rings again, Beth ... she's getting off at 3, so I told her to just come over and we'd hang out here until it was time to go. It's not until I inform Bart it's almost 3 he gets up to go shower, etc!

Beth gets here, we talk, get ready .... and we're off. Driving there wasn't easy for her, she shook the whole way ... I felt so bad, helpless even though I was there. We had it planned we'd get there in between the viewings since it was made clear to her by the X wife she wasn't welcome to any part of this! So she had made arrangements to go between viewings when nobody would be there. She didn't want to cause a scene, nor did she want to be disrespectful to his family. She just wanted to pay her respects and say goodbye, which she had every right to. That's what viewings and funerals are for!
So we get there, we had it all planned ... I was going to walk in and make sure nobody was there, then motion her to come in. So I go in, and the little old lady informed me we would have to come back at 7 that it's there policy not to let anyone back without the family. I explained how we spoke to the funeral director earlier as well as the brother and was told it was fine, but nothing was conveyed to her. Great ... she apologizes and I leave. It was SO hard to tell her that when I got back to the car, I mean ... she was RIGHT there. So we sat complained, and plotted. The guest book ... she wanted her name in the guest book. So back in I go, again I explained to the little old lady we were unable to wait until 7, and asked if I could please sign the guest book so the family knows we were there to pay our respects. She pleasantly agreed, and apologized again. I followed her back, heart in my throat, not real sure where my stomach was. A lot of emotions were swelling up as we approached the room we were in, I kept willing Beth in ... but it didn't work. With my hands shaking, I signed both of our names and kindly thanked the little old lady and left. Never did I think it would be hard ... I was there for Beth, for support. I had never met him, just heard a lot about him. But it was all the other viewings, etc I have been to rushing through my head like a video on fast forward, snip it's of them all. It was odd, almost like walking through a dream as I walked down that hall to sign the book! But nonetheless, I signed it!
I went back out, gave the thumbs up! I told her if she wanted to wait and go in at 7, we could. I also told her, that he knew she was there, he knew she was trying, and he knew how much she cared about him. She knew that. But I can't imagine how hard it must have been being so close, not getting in ... then driving away. I'll skip the next plot ... seemed like a good idea at the time, but luckily Tera talked some sense into us!
On the way back, one of his x girlfriends called Beth to see how she was doing, etc. She said she was SO happy that she (Beth) didn't go because it would have crushed her. She said the X wife had on her wedding rings, and he had a ring on as well. It was all about her ... her day. She said she was dressed like she was on a cruise!! And to top it all off, towards the end of the first viewing, she told a long time friend of Patrick's that they needed to leave (after being invited to go out and eat with the family). Then asked if they saw anymore of his friends around, because they had no business being there!!!!! Can you believe that? Anybody can be there, it's not a by invention only affair! I was floored! I was also very glad we found this out, because if she said that to a long time friend, imagine what she would say to Beth!!!!!
On the rest of the drive home, it was different. She seemed more at ease, more relieved, almost more at peace. I'm not really sure what it was. She came in for awhile when we got back to my house. I HAD to get out of my girlie clothes, and she made a few phone calls to let everyone know we didn't end up in jail!!! Andy was getting off work, and was going to stop by and hang out for awhile with us (he lives the next court over). But the idiot never showed up, so I call his cell .... and he was right where we thought he'd be, still at work running his mouth! So Beth decided to leave and go pick up her daughter at her in laws (are they still in laws if you're divorced?). She admitted she felt a lot better, and she looked a lot better ... more like Beth.

But what drama! Why keep, not only Beth, but other people from having the opportunity to pay there respects? Why make it about yourself when you didn't even care about the person and had moved on and in with another man? Talk about a women with issues!!

Why bother?

Tonight I was doing some things for the store (putting kits together), and Bart was geeking it out in his office. Am I wrong for thinking he should help ... or maybe sit in here and talk to me ... spend time with me, something? Eventually it's too late to order from anywhere for dinner ... so he came in to talk about what we were going to eat. Somehow, not sure how, we got into an argument over our usual crap. I get blamed for making him tell me what he was thinking, because I knew he had things to say and he wasn't. So he does, it upsets me ... and he gets all pissy saying "this is the reason I don't tell you these things". NOT THE POINT! Not to mention, he said some pretty hurtful things to me! I'm crying, not necessarily from what he's said, but because he doesn't get it! I don't know how many times I said that to him ... "YOU DON'T GET IT".
So I find out he's threatened by Shyam ... threatened! So I point out another male person, Andy. Nope, not threatened by him. Okay ... both male, both friends, don't get it! It came down to, him telling me that Shyam is the only person I would leave him for. Shyam is the only person I would cheat on him with, if I haven't already!!! IF I HAVEN'T ALREADY! Nice to have that level of trust there isn't it? Andy ... he's younger, I don't like younger guys ... and I've never opened up to Andy ... so no threat to him.
Okay, I know he hates who my best friend is ... been there a million times with him. But what is the difference of the sex of my best friend?? Is it just me who doesn't get this?
Bart has female friends ... who cares? He pointed out, he doesn't talk to them on the phone daily, email, go to there homes, hang out, etc. Ummm, he doesn't do that with anybody. Kind of a bad example, but still.
I'm just so freaking sick of the whole problem society (not only Bart, but society) has with male/female FRIENDSHIPS. I've dealt with it my whole life, I've always had guy friends, I've always been closer to guys .... they aren't back stabbing like girls were in school. I don't understand why most people think that a male and female can't JUST be friends!
I'm sorry my husband doesn't like it, but it's not changing anything. That might not sound nice, but you kind of have to know me. I'm not your typical people pleasing person. I do what I want. Yes when Bart and Shyam got into a fight ... I sided with the person (after hearing both sides of the story, and knowing some other facts personally) I knew was right. A lot of people thought this was wrong, because I sided with Shyam, not my husband. Sorry .... Bart was wrong. And of course that whole thing was again brought up last night! SICK of talking about that. If I had to do it over, would I change anything? No! I'm sorry, but I am not some June Cleaver wife that is going to stand by her man even though I know he is in the wrong.
All I was trying to do was to get Bart to step in my shoes for awhile ... but man did that back fire! Constantly he's asking what's wrong, etc. I was trying to tell him, but he didn't want to hear it. It's almost like he chooses to only hear what he wants. Not putting it all together. Yes he's my husband, my best friend, someone I love dearly. If he wasn't all that, I wouldn't be with him. But when I told him to take a minute and step into my shoes and look at all I've been through in the past few months ... Which he did, and his answer was hell, which yup, that's it ... unless you can think of something worse. Then I said, and where's my best friend been when I have needed him the most? His answer .... right here where I have always been. (knowing I was not referring to him)
I have no idea how to get him to understand this ... I don't think I ever will. But to have SO much going on with me and have Shyam unreachable has made it worse. I feel like I've had to go through it alone (even though Bart's been there, he's been supportive) ... I don't have the person I turn to to talk to, the person that actually understands my stupid feelings. Yes I can talk to Bart ... but does he always understand and get what I'm saying? No, and that's frustrating ... and it's not his fault. Shyam gets it, and I have had to go through some of the hardest things in my life in the past few months without him there. I can't get Bart to see how hard that is, nor do I know how to.

So like Bart said ... why bother saying what's on our mind? What's the point? It almost always turns into an argument!

How about some song lyrics for today

James Blunt - You're Beautiful Lyrics
My life is brilliant.
My love is pure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,
As we walked on by.
She could see from my face that I was,
F**king high,
And I don't think that I'll see her again,
But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw you face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never be with you.
You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
There must be an angel with a smile on her face,
When she thought up that I should be with you.
But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

Day 17

Today is day 17 of Shyam's jail stay. I haven't seen him since December 11th when we all went out to eat ... the night that started the whole stupid jail thing. I haven't talked to him since a day or so after that (besides the short time online). Can I just tell you how much this kills me?
So, he will most likely get out in about a week for good behavior .... and go back into rehab. No clue how that works, if he goes back from where he left (as far as privlidges) or what. I feel so bad for just thinking of myself ... not thinking what's best for him. But I'd give anything to spend the day with him, I miss him. Then I wonder if things will even be the same. He's had a lot of time to think about everything, a lot of counseling ... what if he's being told he shouldn't have anything to do with me? Then what?

For example, my therapist (who I might ad does NOT understand my relationship with Shyam ... and I think it's because he's not a chick) says that who I knew wasn't really him because he was using. The person who knew me so well, could read my mind, finish my sentences wasn't really Shyam. Honestly ... I don't believe a word of it, and it really made me mad she even said that. Because he wasn't always using, I know the "real" Shyam, I always have. I hate how people judge others on things that have happened in the past ... yes a drug addict is a drug addict. It never changes, he will always be an addict. It's in his blood, he has the gene .... but he also has willpower ... he can chose to use or not to use. And right now, he's making the right decision!!

I guess I'm just rambling .... I just feel like I have nobody now. He was the one the truly understood me ... I can talk until I'm blue in the face trying to explain things to Bart, but he doesn't get it. He will pretend he does, but he doesn't. I have other friends, which is honestly something new for me. 12 or so years ago I pushed anyone that was close to me or could be close to me away. I isolated myself from pretty much everything but my music and my art. Meeting people was never easy after that ... nor did I really want to. It wasn't until after I became friends with Shyam I was able to. I'm sure it doesn't really make sense ... but do I ever? I'm not one to share my feelings with others (yes, I realize I'm sharing with the whole freaking internet), I'm a private person. I'm not the type of person to have a problem and pick up the phone and call a friend (besides Shyam). I'll keep it inside and deal with it ... or just let everything pile up. Who knows ....

Not real sure where I'm going with all this .... just rambling away.

Why?

I had a message this morning (okay afternoon) from a friend from work to give her a call. Why is it that something always has to happen to people to totally throw a rock in the wheel?
The man she's been seeing, and becoming rather attached to passed away last night. They're doing an autopsy to find out the cause, but now it's all a lot of what ifs. And of course my friend is blaming herself ... which I told her over and over not to. IF this was not accidental, there is nothing she could have done to prevent it. If it was medical, again ... she could not have prevented it! But I know how she feels, and it's hard ... it's hard to lose a loved one, and it's hard thinking of the "what ifs" .... I've been doing that for the past 12 years!! Something I know I need to let go of ... and I will, something we're talking about in counseling actually.

Then there's the thought of Shyam. Like Shyam, this man is a recovering drug addict. Nobody knows if he relapsed and that's what caused it, time will tell. But it got me thinking about Shyam, and how lucky he is to be alive .... and how easily it would be for him not to be.

So now I have all these thoughts going through my head ... my 12 years of why's and what if's about Amy. Thoughts about Shyam. Knowing how important it is that everyone in your life that means something to you knows it ... knows how much you care about them, how much you love them, because you never know!

Sucky day ... not too bad of a night

So today sucked .... depressed, my shoulder/neck/back (whatever) killed. I worked tonight and had a great time (of course). Christi and Shanna were working ... so how could we not have fun? I didn't have many treatments, but got stuck in a room talking to this sweet old lady forever. I didn't mind ... she was a sweetheart, but it cut into my fun time with the girls. But oh well.

I've been getting some kits up at the store and ordering some new stuff. Hopefully that will generate some moolah. The sale did pretty good ... as did my new customers in the UK! Rock on! Make one customer's day and word spreads!

I still need to get this room cleaned and organized. It's overwhelming ... and the more I do, the worse it gets! Shock I know! I'd love to get it all condensed to one side so we could actually use this room as a family room. Think it's possible? Any takers to help?

Monday ughday

OBGYN ....

First let me say, not as bad as I thought it would be. Nothing different than my primary doctor. The doctor I saw (which isn't the one I want to see, but the one I wanted to see is out of town) was very nice, approachable, and seemed very knowledgeable. So that was all good ... it's important to be comfortable and safe with whatever kind of doctor you are seeing.

So we start with the lovely pelvic exam, then I get dressed and go to his office where we talk. This is where I remember nothing ... a total blur! I could however tell you details about his office ... what's up with that? I wish I would have had them have Bart come back after the pelvic, but I didn't think about it. He said he couldn't feel the cyst on my ovary but definitely could see it on the ultrasound. Then he said something about my other ovary, but I don't remember what ... all I remember is it had to do with size. He did feel a knot (I forget exactly where in my uterus) but did not see it on the ultrasound. No clue, didn't ask ... nor am I sure why I didn't ask. He told me a lot of possible causes, etc ... don't remember any. Then of course how to fix the possible causes. Like I said ... BLUR! I think it was one, me being nervous and scared of what I was going to find out (especially after he told me my risk of ovarian cancer), and two, a lot of medical terms thrown at me I'm not familiar with. Usually I'm good with the medical terminology ... but not when it comes to this part of the body. And of course I just acted like I knew, rather than asking what the heck he was talking about!

So after the appointment I went and got more blood drawn to check my hormone level, and some other things. And in 4 weeks he wants a repeat internal ultrasound to see if things have changed. After he gets all that info, he'll give me a call and we'll go from there. So, more or less .... I'm in the same place, not knowing. It's my usual place, I think this place was made just for me, because I seem to be stuck in it a lot lately!

Sunday ... bluck

What's up with me working all these weekends? Not the whole weekend, just one day of it and screwing me up?

Today the ladies that are working on lifebooks were meeting from 3-5 and of course I couldn't go because I had to work at 7 and it was in Bethesda and I just didn't feel like doing it. Third one I've missed (all due to work). I'm off on the next one, so I'm there! I feel like I'm letting them down not being there ... like they care, but you know how I am!

So I mope around all day depressed over various things, and my neck still killing. Heck I haven't even busted out any of my new stamps yet ... now what's that tell you? The watercolor crayons ... never even out of the bubble wrap! Sad but true! I am in a slump and can't get out .... I think I just need slapped!

Dreading tomorrow ... my first ever OBGYN appointment. Yup, 31 and have never been to an actual OBGYN, I just have my family Dr. do it all. But with all the nasty strange stuff going on ... she's referred me to the OBGYN. Luckily it's first thing (as in way before places should be open), so I don't have all day to worry about it!

FINALLY

The bleeding has stopped ... I repeat, the bleeding has FINALLY after 32 days it has stopped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Bad thing now, I have cramps! Oiy!

Wasted Saturday

The plan was to get up early, go out for some breakfast, and get things done. Sounds good (in theory of course). Did it happen? Of course not!

First you all know getting up early and me ... it's like water and oil. But throw breakfast in there and we mix a LITTLE better. But Bart took it on himself to decide sleeping in was a better idea. So that's what we did ... slept. I got up sometime in the late afternoon and of course was mad because I wanted to go with the plan (for once). Bart thought I could use the sleep (aka, he wanted to sleep, and he did). So, I get dressed ... ready for the day, and was just going to do what I needed to do on my own. Of course that's when he decided he was going to come with. So I have to wait for him to get up, get showered, dressed ... old man pace.

Finally we're on our way ... and the questions start, where are we going, why are we going here, who's open house is this, etc. Keep in mind ... all this had been told to him at least once, I contribute it all to man hearing. So we get to Smithsburg and look at the properties .... all very nice! My brother in law bought some old houses and remodeled them, and did a wonderful job! They were having an open house, because they're having trouble leasing them. The end unit is a very pretty house (once you over look the not so nice looking neighboring houses) that he refinished for an office. He so should have refinished it for a house because that he could rent or even sell. But not the best place for an office, even though Bart wants to move his guys there. (Which would be fine for them)
Then there's the stone house which I just love ... it's gorgeous! This is where he has his office now (which my sister and I think he needs to move it down the road ... but who are we?). This is the smallest of the 3. And then there's the other property which is HUGE and I want it! Well, not all of it, just most of it! I'll take it or the stone house. So perfect for a cute Scrapbook store, a great area for crops and classes. I'm all over it. Bart doesn't think it's the best area, especially with the big one in Hagerstown. Not to mention ... rent, can't swing that! I told Brenda she needs to open a little coffee shop next door (in the same building) and we could call it Scrap a Latte ... personally, I think it's a great plan. Just talking her into it is the problem. She wants to open a country craft store. So who knows what will happen. I'm thinking if they don't rent ... they'll let me give it a shot just to get some money .... maybe?
By the time we leave there .. the days shot. It's around 6, my neck is killing me ..... I just wanted to get some muscle relaxers and a heating pad and crawl into something comfy.

Freaky Friday

Really there's nothing freaky about today ... that just came to mind! Cool movie though! :)

Today's pretty much sucked! I woke up way too early (9AMish) after going to bed around 3AMish and not sleeping well. Stupid barking cats next door!!!! Between them and my neck I had to get up!

I ended up laying back down for a few hours until the barking cats woke me up again! Gotta love those stupid rats! UGH!

My neck is killing me, it hurts to move my head .... so need muscle relaxers, but I don't like to take them when I'm home alone ... so I will just suffer until tonight. Last night at work I did get a few very nice massages from Andy, which really rocked! Felt VERY good and fixed the problem for awhile! Gotta love him!

Tried to get Bart to stay home today, but like that ever works ... it's the whole messed up priorities with him ... work then me. Am I the only one that sees a problem with that? Even when he's home that's how it is ... he will get a call or email from work and drop whatever he's doing for them. Not me ...

BIG TIME missing Shyam. I'd give anything to just see him for 5 minutes, I totally hate this!!! I have nobody since he's not accessible .... maybe that's why things here seem to suck so much because I'm not really talking to anyone about everything. Who knows. I go to counseling, but that's not the same ... she doesn't know me ... she can read me, or finish my sentences. She doesn't know what I'm thinking without me saying a word.

No news on the adoption, personally I think we're being told what they think we want to hear. I've yet to talk to our adoption agency over this situation, and there's a reason for that. Bart's much more diplomatic .... but if I don't start hearing what I want to hear (ie the truth), they're going to have to deal with me ... which will not be pretty, and could possibly hurt the whole process. But I can't sit being the quiet one forever when that's not the type of person I am! Never will we be dealing with this agency again! Especially when a friend of the family has told my mom she could have placed a couple infants (domestically) with us by now! It's just hard because I KNOW there is a baby in China that is MINE.

My brother will be in the states soon (this week I think) ... at least Bryce will have him, I know he doesn't like having him gone. Poor little guy! I worry about him, I wonder how he's going to turn out with a family life like he has. Thank God he has my parents and spends most of his time with them with my brother is out of the country. He's a happy little boy, you can tell that. But sometimes when you're talking to him, and you really look into him ... there's a deep sadness. I wish my brother would wake up and realize what he's missing out on, and what he is possibly screwing up!

Typical Wed

Therapy ....

This session seemed to go on forever!!! I hate those!!! I don't like those, and I don't like the one's that go too fast .... go figure! Today we talked about me blaming myself for everything that's not my fault. She had me think back to when that started, and was very impressed I not only could think of a time frame, but month and year. (June 1994 ... the beginning of the end) :) What can I say, I'm good!!! So of course we had to talk about all that crap ... my belief system, where people go when they die, etc. I hate talking about that kind of stuff ... especially since I'm trying to figure it out still. Which is sad ... 31 years old and trying to figure out what my religious beliefs are! Yes I was brought up Baptist, but too many things in my life have happened to contradict what I was taught. Faith is a big thing ... believing in something that's not there. It's something I struggle with daily. I have faith ... but what kind is the question.


After counseling I did my usual post counseling counseling ... shopping. Usless really. I wasn't in the mood, and just wondered around a few stores and left. My mind was elsewhere and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. So I came home.

Of course Bart's in the infamous meeting .... it's a daily thing, I swear! So I can't talk to him .... so I sit here in front of my computer just staring and thinking. Thoughts rushing through my head ... I look around and there are pictures everywhere ... some I don't want to see, most I don't want to see. So the thoughts keep rushing ... but not leaving as I keep willing them to. It's exhausting! Of course the usual comes out of it ... anger. I get mad at myself because I can't control my own thinking, angry at the people in my head (not schizophrenic people, real people, the one's I think of). Of course I become anxious ... who wouldn't? So I attempt to calm myself down ... I end up going upstairs. Socrates lays down and falls asleep on the couch, I sit in the chair ... and end up going over to him and lay down beside him. It's funny how he doesn't mind, he puts his arm (leg whatever) on my and his head on my shoulder and falls back asleep after on lick on the cheeck. Eventually, I cry myself asleep.

It's my life ... I try daily to improve upon it, but can't. There's always a blockade in the way, and it's not moving, and no matter what I do, I can't get it to move. So I have to learn to live behind it, which isn't where I want to be.