Happy birthday to me ...

Okay, so not the best birthday of my 33 years of life, but a birthday nonetheless.

This was my first year that I didn't have a birthday cake ... might sound kind of stupid, but to me it is a big thing. No cake, no ice cream, not even candles to blow out. Lord knows I could make a wish!! Yesterday I got a box of wrapped gifts from my sister which was a surprise. She got me the cutest doll who's name is Abby :) (great name, I know), she has brown hair and is weighted so she can sit on a shelf. She also got me a plaque for the wall, an adorable little leprechum figurine, a luck of the irish thingy (technical term), and a corn chowder soup mix. (All purchased from her store) I'm lucky to have such a wonderful sister! My mom of course called and sang to me with my little nephew. I was sleeping, so it is now saved on my phone so I can listen to it when I need a little pick me up. Instead of the correct words, Bryce sang "loser loser geek geek" to the tune of happy birthday! Then at the end my mom said "happy birthday", and Bryce said "nitwit". Gotta love an eight year old boys sense of humor! :) Needless to say it brought a smile to my face. A little after midnight, Will sang a wonderful rendition of happy birthday to me at his show at the Waterfront in Fells Point and Rodney played a beautiful solo in the middle of it. It was nice to be thought of.

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy day!

At the end of my rope ...

Here I sit, crying ... my eyes are so red and swollen as it seems that has been all I have been doing lately. I have no energy because I'm completely exhausted from having what seems like constent anxiety attacks. My head is thumping from all the tears. I am honestly at the end of my rope!
At work last night, I was waiting for my patients to finish there treatments ... I went to take in the view out the window. I looked out on all the lights of Baltimore. I couldn't believe how alone and lost I felt even though there were people all around, and a bustling city right out the window.
I feel like everyone is moving along in life while somehow I stand still ... watching the world pass me by. I see people that are so happy, smiling, talking, laughing and yearn to be like that. I feel so distant from the world. This disease has managed to push me away from those I love, and isolate me with my fears.

I gave up and called Bart to see if he would come and take me to the ER. I didn't know what else to do, and even though it scares me to go to the emergency room for this, I know it's the best thing for me. I don't know why I keep letting myself get off my meds when I know I need them to function!