Sunday ....

Where did the weekend go? I know I had trouble sleeping at night, so yesterday was spent sleeping (until around 5PM), but today I got up at 10AM! And here it is midnight fifteen and what did I get done?? NOTHING!!!

I hate weekends like this! I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish, gave it to Bart (which means, it usually gets done .... most of it anyway) and who knows if he even looked at it because we did NOTHING on the list! I feel like the past two days have been a total waste!

Yes, we got bad news Thursday! It threw us both for a loop, and then some ... but it seems like we're just standing still now! My anxiety is through the roof, and any little thing sets me off because I'm so irritable from being so anxious. So that really helps everything! I have been staying up all night keeping busy to avoid panic attacks and keeping Bart awake, and getting him upset because I'm doing so bad. But that's accomplished nothing, and I know that avoiding panic attacks don't get rid of them ... they just keep building! I know better, but I don't want to add to the stress he already has!

I'd give anything for a few days sitting on the beach watching the ocean ... letting the waves take all my anxiety out to sea! But I have no time ... I'm booked solid with work and stupid appointments. I picked up all kinds of extra stuff this schedule to stay busy, which is good in a way ... but not good in a way too! The extra money is always nice, but is it worth it? I have plenty here to keep me busy, more than enough here to keep me busy!

I feel like one more thing is put on me and I will just burst!!!

The bathroom floor ....

I want to redo the masterbath .... well, the whole room needs done, as in new furniture, everything!!!! We have my furniture that I got in highschool, I think it's time for something new ... and a king size bed!

So I thought I'd start in the bathroom, because it's BAD. The floor is horrible, it's stained, molded (I think), and is peeled up around the tub! (Nice huh) Then there's the size ... it's very small, not the size you'd think of for a masterbath! I have NO cabinet space ... well I have some, just not enough! So there's ALWAYS stuff strung all around the sink and on top of the flushie! So I thought, start with the floor and move my way up ... sound like a plan?

So I decide I want to paint the floor and stencil around it ... distress it, and then seal it. Of course, I'm the only one that seems to think I can do this without it being a total disaster! So Bart's trying to talk me into tile ... which we did look at Saturday, we bought a sample for my bathroom, and a sample for babies bathroom. My sample just doesn't do anything for me once it's set up against the vanity.

**********************will continue later, stay tuned

Called into work ..... and some thoughts

I was on call tonight, and of course got called in for 4 hours which wasn't bad at all. They really didn't need me, it's so stupid when management calls in the call person for nights during the day before they know what it's going to be like. Someone called out, but still ... they didn't need me. I'm not complaining, I get paid well to go in ... just saying they should re-think things some.

I'm on call tomorrow (well tonight) as well. Unless someone calls out (which is very unlikely) I should be fine. I picked up a lot of call this schedule ... pretty easy money if you don't get called in. And if you do get called in, it's nice money.

Today's been odd ... a lot of thoughts going through my head. Of course there's been tears ... but mostly thoughts. Very unlike me, which is confusing. I think it's because I am such a believer in destiny and that things happen for a reason, that this set back is just because our daughter wasn't one of the orphans (I hate using that word) up this time, so something came up to hold us up until our daughter is ready. I know that no matter what, she will be worth the wait and then some!

So here I am, working on my adoption journal (at least trying to) rather than sleeping. My way of avoiding a panic attack and a bad night ... just not sleep. Not exactly the way to do it, not what my therapist would like to hear ... but it works!

Things happen for a reason ....

I don't know how many times I've been told that, and have told myself that, throughout the adoption process. But it's true, things DO happen for a reason. Sometimes things happen and it totally throwing a curve ball at your life, but that curve ball could win the World Series! You don't always know why things happen, you don't always understand them, and you definitely don't always agree with them ... but there is a reason for them!
Again, our adoption has been delayed possibly 2 months depending on China. They didn't like something in our paperwork, and instead of notifying our agency they just didn't send our referral with our groups! According to the head of the agency, they usually catch these things prior to the point we got to and it can be rendered without putting you behind. So why it wasn't caught? Who knows, but there was a reason ... one we might never know.
All I know is the our daughter was meant to be our daughter since her birth (or before), so all these delays have happened because it's not her time yet. Frustrating, yes .... Stressful, yes .... emotionally draining, yes ..... But it happens for a reason.

Still nothing

We received a call from Sandy (the lady from our adoption agency) sometime between 10 and 11:30. She said that she had just gotten off the phone with Xiumen who is also here in Maryland (She does the translations of everything for the adoption agency), she has been trying to call the CCAA and just getting a busy signal which is common since it's early there, and people in the US are calling. She told Sandy, it's usually easier to get through after noon. So here it is 2PM in China, and we've heard nothing! What I don't understand is why they don't just send Shinghong (Xiumen's nephew) or another relative that is there that works for the adoption agency to CCAA! But I'm trusting they know what is best, and they're doing everything in there power to get this straightened out.

Gotta meet Erin Lincoln

She is going to be at my local scrapbook store February 18th to do a book signing of her new book (Supply Savvy Scrapbooking) and teaching a class. Okay, if you know nothing about scrapbooking, you can just stop reading now because you're not going to care! :) However if you do ... carry on (unless you're bored, or just don't care)

So first thing I check is .... am I working? Nope, I'm off!!!!
Second thing .... what's it going to take to get Casii to go with me? (Still thinking)
Third .... Great birthday gift, since my birthday if February 16th!

So it just brings us back to number two ... because we all know I won't go by myself! I'm off to email Mo, maybe she'll go ... but still, I think Casii needs to! Don't you all agree? :D (And no Casii, you don't get to vote in this!)

One of the worst days, if not THE worst

Today around 1PM (I think it was) I was woken up by Bart (who was suppose to be at work). "Honey I need you to wake up" "I am" "No, I need you to wake up, I need to know you understand what I'm going to tell you" Okay, that woke me up! Instantly I thought something horrible had happened, someone had died! Thankfully nobody had died, yet some thing horrible did happen. And he began explaining ....

Our adoption agency got word of the referrals today for group 26 (that's our group)! There are three in our group; however, only 2 referrals. See a problem here? And of course you know who's referral was missing ..... You got it, OUR REFERRAL!!!!!!!!! They know nothing, of course this have never happened before (so we had to be the first!). So we have no freaking idea what's going on ... especially since we were ahead of them with paperwork, etc. If there had been a problem with our paperwork that was sent to China, we would have heard about that by now and would not have made it to the "matching room". So now we wait until the CCAA (adoption place) opens in the AM to hopefully get some answers. (There is a 12 hour time difference) Fingers crossed it's something simple and we'll get our referral next week and still be with our group. I will flip out if we are pushed to the next group because the CCAA met there quota for the month and refuse to process one more! What the heck is one more?? And of course Chinese New year starts .... so tomorrow is all they have to figure it out until after the 9th!!!!!!!!!!!!!! If it's not figured out tomorrow I WILL GO INSANE!!!!!

So we'll probably be up all night waiting for a phone call to see what the heck is going on. We will get a phone call no matter what time it is (per our request). So needless to say I suck ... I'm a total wreck!

Bart stayed home, he couldn't go back to work .... he stayed here and slept to make the time go by. I'm so happy he came home to tell me the news in person rather than over the phone! See what a great guy he is? :) I had my appointment with my shrink at 3 ... which is when the news sunk in and I lost it in his office! (Perfect timing I guess)

So, we wait ............

Tip for the night (morning)

It takes 21 days to form a habbit ..............

I wonder how many days it takes to break it?

Cardiologist followup

I had to get up early to be at my Cardiologists by 0945 for my appointment. Not a long wait in the waiting room which was nice, because I forgot to take something to read while I was waiting. Even though this has been my second (well third if you count getting the lesson on the heart monitor) time there, it's weird. I feel VERY out of place as I'm always the youngest (by far) there. I'm closer to my doctors age than the patients there to see him!! But anyway ..... I get taken back to my room, which really is my room because it's the one I was in last time I was there! :) I wait a few minutes and in he comes. He has a seat, asks how things are going, how I'm feeling .... I told him everything's the same. He flipped through the read outs he had from my monitor, and said that he had reviewed them and didn't see anything worrisome or out of the ordinary, just an increased heart rate. But no irregular patterns or anything, which was good. Personally, I still think it is related to my anxiety, but what do I know? So he gave me two choices .... one, I could go on meds to keep my heart rate under check, or two, hold tight. Of course, my answer is to hold tight! :) But then I asked what he suggested. He said, "I do two things .... I help people live longer, and I help people be more comfortable". Well, I'm 30 ... so live longer, I've got that covered for now! Be more comfortable, it's an annoying thing, but nothing I can't live with ... nothing to take another medication for. So he agreed on my sitting tight! :) And of course, if I have any trouble ... call, go to the ED, etc. And I go back to see him in 6 months. And he said if in 6 months, I feel no need to go ... go ahead and cancel, but at least I will have an appointment for now.

So that's over with .... :)

Gotta love Zeke

Today I went back to where I got my tattoo to take Zeke his tip. Bart came along, and even came inside. Zeke wasn't busy, so I was able to give him his tip and he motioned us to the back. Of course he wanted to pay me for what I had given him, but I wouldn't take anything ... I told him all I wanted was a picture of him for my scrapbook. I was thinking I'd just stand beside him and get the picture ... heck no! We go back to where he does the tattoos and he told me to roll up my sleeve ... so he got out the tattooing thing (yes, technical word) without a needle, and acted like he was giving me a tattoo! We both smiled at the camera .... and got two great shots! What more could a scrapbooker want?

He's great, talked to us for a good while ... Bart even liked him! And the best part ... my next tattoo is on him! Bad part, he's going to Alaska in the very near future and then to Tokyo to teach! He gave me his card as well as his cell phone number and I gave him my info. He's going to give me a call a few weeks before he leaves so I can come in for #2! :) Can't wait!! Trying to think of what I want and wear to get it!! I SO hope Shyam is out before he leaves ... he HAS to get a tattoo from Zeke! It's a must!!! But heck ... I'd go to Alaska to get one from the legendary master!

The code that fell

I get a blood gas from this little old man, go to the ICU to run it, get the results ... everything is normal, so nothing needed to be done. I entered all the information into the computer, and as I was finishing up Andy walks in. So we started talking and he puts his hand up (saying be quiet for a minute), and quietly says "I think I heard something". It wasn't much longer until there it was again ... CODE BLUE, BED 28 ED (hard to hear in the ABG lab for whatever reason). So without a word, we both jump up and start the "Code Blue run".
The ICU is on the 2nd floor right above the ED, so we head to the stairs ... which usually, I take anyway because it's quicker unless the elevator is ready. First let me say .... I don't know how Andy goes down stairs like he does ... he flies, those 23 year old feet don't touch the floor!!! So our the door he goes, and shortly I do too ... well, kinda .... I trip over the uneven floor of the stairs and the door, and fall! Andy stops, turns around to make sure I'm okay ... and I am laughing saying yes, run! One, I feel like an idiot, and two, find it funny because I'm such a klutz these days! I go to get up, and OUCH ... toe!!!!
My toe (the fifth metatarsal, I think it is) is actually more part of the foot than the toe, but anyway ... it's been broken before, so I know the feeling. So I go hobbling off to the Code, which I walk in and there are 2 therapists so I'm not needed (good, I needed to sit). Andy looked at me and asked again if I was okay, and I said yes, but I think I broke my toe ... he just shook his head. And of course everyone in the code heard it, so the story had to be told! Geesh!
Later Andy had to look at my toe (like it will fix it or something ... no really, he's a really nice guy), and agreed it was probably broken. Luckily my shift was about over and I could go home and get off my feet!!!!

Of course Bart wasn't happy I didn't have it x-rayed at the hospital and looked out. (Which, yup should have) And he was mad I didn't fill out an accident report (which, right again!). So I explain to him this isn't the first time, blah blah blah ... I know what to do, etc. Then he points out, workmen's comp ... duh! Totally wasn't thinking I might need to miss work and would need workmen's comp. Ooops! Well, I work again Monday ... so I'll see if I can still fill out the form, etc ... especially since I had a witness. But Bart insists I go to Urgent Care in the AM to get it looked at!

And if you're wondering about the code ... freaky one, they called it ... then the dude came back to life!!!!

Counseling

Typical Wednesday ... Counseling!! ICK!! Good news, I wasn't charged for missing last week. She totally understood the circumstances, which I thought was very nice of her!

I went prepared, I finally remembered to make my list (thanks for the reminder Tune) and print it out to take. I made two copies, one with notes to myself in case I needed notes to jog my memory, etc. The other copy was for my counselor, it was without the notes. Well, you guessed it ... I printed out two copies of the SAME copy, the one with the notes for me. Not all I wanted her to have.

She asked how my week was, and I told her it sucked ... blah, blah, blah! We complimented my shoes (I think that was done before the how was your week question), so I had to go into how comfortable Dansko's are, how I use to be a Birkenstock girl, but now I swear by my Dansko's. Way too much talking about shoes! So we never really got back to my week sucking ... we did however talk about affirmations. I got two handouts (I love getting handouts, not sure why, but I do) on them. She's not sure I have gotten some of the affirmations I have needed in life. I'm not sure I agree, but maybe to some point she's right. I'll have to actually think about it I guess! (Ugh, think!) But all in all an okay appointment ... it's the next one I'm worried about, because she's armed with "The List"

Back with the gang

I've missed working nights ... tonight is has been nice being back with MY shift, night shift! Even though it's been busy, with one thing after another ... it's been fun!!! I'll definately be signing up for more call on the next schedule since I'm not scheduled much. That way, if I get called in ... I'll be with the shift I love! There's just nothing like working nights!!! Not only the respiratory people, but the nurses, docs in the ED, nursing assistants, everyone! Love it!!!!

The shifts just about over, and I'm waiting for a patient to finish his treatment so I can go down to the department and give report. (Not to mention, hopefully not see you know who.) Christi and I have already decided that since this night has gone on for a month or two (one of those busy long nights that just won't end), we're going to our favorite hang out after we got off. Starbucks here we come!!!

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Starbucks was great as always ... never can go wrong with that place!!! Christi and I always have a blast in there trying to figure out what people do, etc. And of course, we have to point out any hoties that come in! :) Of course I just do it for her since I'm married! :)

Anxious Monday

Okay, so I work tonight ... 4 hours, big deal!!!
Then tomorrow ... 8 hours, really another big deal.
Then Friday, another 4 .... big deal.
Four hour shifts are NOTHING!!!!!

But here I am, in bed ... TRYING to sleep, but I can't because I'm so friggin' anxious!!!! The same goes for last night, as I was trying to go to sleep. Anxiety!!!!

As I look back on my bad days (ignoring the one's during PMDD), they all have something in common ... WORK!!! What's up with that? Always the night before and the day I have to work it's anxiety city!!!! Of course once I get there, it usually subsides .... but why such anxiousness about going? And this week I think it's extra bad because I have 3 days, and one is an 8 hour shift .... ending at 0730, so there's a possibility of seeing my lovely supervisor we all know and love.
So my question is ... how to overcome this? Quit work, yup ... that would fix it, but kinda need the money now for China. So what's the deal!!! I SO need to make a list to take to counseling with me!!! Someone remind me, would ya?

Also ... new schedule will be out soon ... MEGA worried about that. I know I won't have any of the days I asked off, and no call days. (Got that worked out .... total misunderstanding and bad communication between the uppers ... shock) But still, I'm worried about the hours I'll be working. Stupid thing to worry about, but you have to remember ... it's me! :)

Then there's the adoption ... that's enough alone to drive one to the rubber room!!! :) I still have things that need to get done in the babies room, and we have yet to child proof our home. Not to mention the adoption journal and life book are nowhere near completed!!!!! (And don't even ask about the 100 wishes quilt pages for that book)

And to top it off, I have cramps ... and it's NOT time to have cramps!!!! Anything else I'm forgetting?

Shyam update and Tattoo update

Two topics that go well together I think!

Shyam update ... nothing! :) Just that I miss him like crazy!!!! Never did I think it would be like this. I thought it would be like he's on vacation, or moved away or something ... but it's SO not like that because I can't have communication with him. So that's his update! :D

Tattoo update ....
Doing good ... getting the cool black scabs sluffing off as I wash it. (Yes I'm weird, I think it's cool) It's never really hurt, only when it started scavenge and I'd bend a certain way that would stretch it, which would rip the scab. And that didn't really hurt, just odd. It's never gotten red, or irritated in any way, and hasn't itched. Let me take that last one back, it is starting to itch a little, but when it starts, I was it and put the lotion on and that ends the itching. So it's healing well. I had Bart take a picture of it yesterday so I can have progress pick for my scrapbook. I should have had one with the bandages ... and then RIGHT after they came off before washing it. Wasn't thinking. Still loving it and thinking of the others I want and when I'm going to get them (no need to comment on that Bart). So, all is well in tattoo world!! :) (well, besides my parents still freaking out)

Sunday ... funday?

Considering we went to bed around 5 AM this morning, I surprised myself at getting up a little before 1! That wasn't the only surprise, I actually went to the China lifebook "meeting"!!!!! I can't believe it myself, but I did. I was EXTREMELY nervous, and told Bart last night I wasn't going ... I was too anxious, etc. But I got up, got ready ... put some goodie bags together, and off I went! The hostess was very nice, and her daughter was just ADORABLE! Another lady brought her daughter who was 3 (I think) and was adopted from Kavastan. She was a cutie as well, dark brown/black curly hair! Others had pictures, some did not ... but all the kids were so cute. Most of the ladies there had adopted from China, two from Russia (one of them adopted siblings), two domestic, one from Guatemala (actually, I believe she's adopted two from there), and then one from Kavastan.

The group was suggested by the owner of a yahoo group I'm on for Chinese Lifebooks, the lady who is the leader of this group opened it to all adoptions which I think is wonderful!!! This was really just a get to know you type thing, and get to know lifebooks. It seems like most of the ladies are either VERY new to scrapping, or have not done anything to this point. So I think it will be fun watching them learn and grow. I also enjoy hearing all the adoption stories; although some are sad.

We decided to meet twice a month, that way if you can't make it to one, possibly you can make it to the other ... giving everyone a chance to make it monthly. I hope to be able to go to both, but it's a pretty nice drive for me .... so it really is a full day. But we'll see. Especially once we return from China ... I'm not sure what I'll do .... I know I'll miss a few months.

When I got home, I emailed the hostess to thank her for having the group, etc. I also suggested a few things to her (which I REALLY hope she doesn't take as me being bossy, or trying to take over). I suggested finding a scrapbook store that we could meet at to scrap so she wouldn't have to open up her house twice a month. For me that would be a pain knowing that twice a month I'd have to have everything cleaned and picked up, etc. I also offered my assistance in any way she needed. Even teaching a beginners class for those who'd be interested.

While I was gone, Bart and Socrates went to his Dad's. Socrates and Athena had fun running around the yard ... Bart said they were running full speed and Socrates was leaning into the turns!! Eventually he said they collapsed on the ground panting! I'm sure they were happy to see each other again! I feel bad getting Athena and not being able to handle her, but man is she a handful!! Never did I think it would be like that!!! It's so much nicer with just Socs! I know Bart's Dad loves having her there, I think it's exactly what he needed.

When I got home, I finished a page I started last night for my adoption journal ... then we watched the last two episodes of 24. We were both pleased to see that Jail Break will be back in March!!!! :)

Icky Saturday

What a nasty cold, rainy (slightly snowy), windy day!!!! Great day to sleep in, which we did! :) Slept in too long, because we didn't get everything finished I would have liked, but oh well.

We went to visit one of Bart's employee's in the hospital ... man was it hard for me to keep quiet!!! Very proud of myself though! What a HUGE baby!!!! And his mom, geesh ... she makes it worse! He's engaged, lives on his own ... and his mom has been with him 24/7!!! The nurse came in to change his IV, and there was a bubble (small) in the tubing and he was freaking over it! (which got the mom going on about it too) So the nurse had to get it out! PLEASE! Suck it up and be a man!

I was nice and took donuts and coffee into my co-workers since I was going to be there ... and I knew they'd be busy, and have little time to eat, and could use that coffee!!! (See I CAN be thoughtful)

I did a big ONE page tonight ... really did most of it last night. So hate it! But could you tell me how to do a scrapbook page of documents and make it look good? So not feeling it ... maybe I should do something else for awhile, I don't know.

So, it's 1 AM and here I am .... feeling like I got nada accomplished again! Seems to be the thing lately, doesn't it. I guess I should get up at a normal time and make a list and just do it (not to sound like a Nike commercial). But me get up at a normal time .... doesn't happen!!!

Tomorrow is the get together for the China Lifebook group I joined ... the first get together. What was I thinking signing up for that? Sitting in a room with 14 people I don't know, in a persons house I don't know. Sure ... sounds like something I can do! And then ... why don't I take everyone a goodie bag? WHAT? Think before you email ... geez! What the heck am I suppose to take these people ... some of which have never scrapbooked before! Oiy!

Shyam update

First let me say, he's doing remarkably well according to hid Dad! I'm very happy to report that! He's out of rehab and in a different place now that is very nice ... even has a gym! Soon he'll have phone privledges, then visitor privledges, and eventually get to go home for a day. He'll be there for four months!!!! Yes, FOUR!!!

I miss him immensely, but I'm happy he's finally getting all the help he needs! I just can't wait until he's out and I can see him!

Friday the 13th

Nothing big happened today ... I tried to get some scrapping done, but ended up organizing and doing Jungle stuff. I did manage to scan and print some documents I need for my lifebook, so that's a start. I'm just having SO much trouble with it, because everything seems so blah since it's just documents.

Nothing big planned for the weekend. Tomorrow I hope we get up at a decent time, but I don't see that happening!!!! I hate sleeping the day away!

Sunday I have a "meeting" with my China Life Group, very nervous about that! I'm not sure I want to go ... let me rephrase, I want to go, not sure I can. I don't know anyone, and I'll be going to a strange person's home. Of course this person has adopted, so they've had background checks, etc so I know they're safe ... but I feel odd. So we'll see if I make it there!

I THINK Shyam should be getting out Sunday, but not sure what's going on there since we haven't talked to his Dad lately. I asked Bart to call him today, but he didn't ... maybe he will tomorrow. It seems like it's been longer than a month, I really miss him. I hope he's gotten what he needed out of rehab! I know that if he wanted to, he did! And I do believe he wanted to!

Okay, so this was a boring entry ... sorry!! Not that many are interesting, but this one is especially boring!

Today was the day of all days

The day I FINALLY got my tattoo!!!!

Can you believe it? After 14ish years of wanting a tattoo, today I went and got it!!! I went last night and spoke with the owner, took my design, and asked a few questions. I really wanted it on my foot ... that's where I've always wanted one, but I was concerned about the proper healing time. He said I would need a good five days of no shoes, and then after that as little shoes as possible. Since it's winter, and since we'll be traveling to China soon (I hope) I thought it would be best to rethink the location. I decided to get it in the middle of my lower back, and do the foot another time!

So today I went in, and was ready for some serious pain ... but to me it was relaxing! The position I was sitting, the calming noise of the needles, the sensation on my back ... it was calming!!! I so could have slept though the whole thing!

And to top it off, the artist that did my tattoo was the legendary Zeke Owen!!!! He's studied with the best of the best, and has worked in A LOT of impressive places. (This man has over 48 years of experience!!) I was extremely fortunate to have him do my work! Not to mention he's a great guy, very interesting to talk to! And did I mention he does WONDERFUL work? He started his tattooing in where else, but LA around 1958. At that time his idea was to improve the tattooing procedure to a level that would be clinically acceptable. He's happy to finally be able to prove to the world that they (being tattoo artists) can perform their art with a sterile chain of events. He's extremely proud to be a part of the 5000 year old history of tattooing!

I plan to go back and see him (forgot to take a tip for him, and while our chat I thought of something he'd like better than money), to drop something off to him. I feel honored having him work on me, and very honored to have met such a legendary, intriguing man!

Of course a part of me was sad that I did this "monumental" (to me anyway) thing without Shyam being there. We've been planning this for months, but he can be there for the next one! :) And of course I called his cell phone first thing when I was finished, not that he'll get the message ... but it made me feel good! :)

Therapy ....

Strange session to say the least! I'm really not sure I know what to say about it ... I left feeling odd, feeling like I was explaining myself for adopting rather than continuing with the fertility testing. I don't understand why an HOUR + was spend with her trying to get that out of me. I felt like she was saying I was broken and could possibly be fixed!!! Which is true, but I don't want to! I feel adoption is what I was meant to do, and I am more than happy to be doing it! As I told her, all I want is a family ... who gave birth to my children doesn't matter one bit to me, as long as I have them!

Catalog Addict

Hi I'm Abby, and I'm a catalog addict!!!

I love getting them in the mail, not junky one's, the GOOD one's! You know the one's I'm talking about Pottery Barn, The Red Envelope, J Jill .... LOVE them!!! But here's the problem, never fails that I fall in love with at least ONE thing (usually more) in the catalog. Of course, it's something WAY out of my budget ... so I just keep looking at it online hoping it will be marked down. (Yes, I know ... it's a sad life I lead.)

Well for those of you who LOVE J Jill, let me just warn you now ... when you get her new catalog in the mail, just do yourself a favor and toss it!!!!! I think I found something on every single page (sometimes EVERYTHING on every page) that I MUST have!!! The outfits, the shoes, the accessories ... I'm in love!

Whoohooo ... I'm off until Monday

Can't beat working just one day this week!!!! Wasn't a bad night either! Worked with Christi and Shanna (love them), so how could it be bad?

I did however get some bad new at the beginning of my shift ... Andy (a guy I work with) was leaving because his grandfather had a massive MI and was being flown to a hospital and was intubated and on a vent! I felt SO bad for him, poor guy ... he was driving to the hospital and he was emotionally a wreck, I hope he got there safely (it's not a hospital near here). But I hugged him, and told him to call if he needed anything. I'll give him a call tomorrow to see how things are looking.

I had the babies tonight ... love that! Especially when there's actual babies in there! Which tonight there were, one on a vent, one on CPAP, and one just on oxygen. Cute little things, all doing great! The little guy on the vent decided he didn't want the tube down his throat anymore and self extubated, so we had to reintubated the little booger! He did just fine though! Not that I like seeing sick babies, I don't want it to sound that way ... I'd rather them all be healthy and not need any medical assistance ... but I LOVE when things like that happen! Again, don't take that the wrong way ... I'd rather them be healthy!!!

I don't feel like going to bed, but I should! I haven't been sleeping well ... so I've just been avoiding it all together! Not exactly the right approach, but the one I've been taking!

What a weekend ...

Total waste of a weekend, if you ask me! I spent most of it working on a stupid switch plate album for the Jungle from one of our sponsors!!!!! I have spent more time on this stupid thing than it's worth! I'm talking 20+ hours and it looks like crap! But anyway ....

I got a big ONE page finished for my adoption journal/lifebook, when I was hoping to get at least 5 finished! The biggest problem is getting my husband to help, because I am at a loss and overwhelmed with the whole thing! I put it off too long and I have forgotten too much. But getting him to help is like pulling teeth!!!

I still need to paint the last picture for the babies room ... I've been putting that off for WAY too long because I can't decide how to do it. I think I'll just do it and live with it! (Right, sounded good though) And then I have some shelves that need hung in there, before I can call it finished.

My scrapbook room ... disaster area! I'm talking, call in the bomb squad bad! I need to get this room cleaned up so I can have some friends over to scrap! You'd think that would be enough to get my butt moving ... but nope!! I decided to have people over once a month ... but they kinda need to have table space, right? :)

So here it is, Sunday night and I have the Sunday night blues!!! Work a big 7-11 (PM of course) tomorrow, then not sure about the rest of the week since those willing to help me out with my messed up schedule (which is NOT my fault) can't because it give them overtime!!! Give me a break ... give them 4 hours of over time!!! So I'm trying to work something out where I work 4 hours of one of there shifts. We'll see how that goes. I had to call out last week (Wednesday), and if I have to call out Thursday I will NOT be happy, and I WILL be having a talk with a few people! Don't think you're going to write me up and get me to termination level for scheduling me on days I can't work without asking! You ask for availability, THEN you schedule! So write me up, and it won't be pretty!

Anyway .... that's it! Lovely mood I know ...

Nip Tuck fans?

Totally LOVE that show .... we watch every episode!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

But here's the problem ... now I want plastic surgery! :) You think I'm kidding ... nope, dead serious!!! I've always wanted my nose done (it's WAY too big) since Jr. High when my "friends" (that's in quotes, because they aren't anymore ... no clue what they're even doing these days) were having things done. One had a bone on her foot removed, or sanded down or something, because it stuck out and she didn't like the way it looked!!!! Yup, shallow .... but that was my Jr. High!

But seriously, I want my eyes done .... I'll have to get it done eventually, because I have the genetics where the eyelids get "droopy". So why not get it done now while I have good elasticity, instead of when I'm older? Of course, now I'd have to pay for it, and when I'm older and NEED it, insurance would. Stupid if you ask me! I still want my nose done, and the ever popular lipo!!! Will it happen, of course not ... unless someone is reading this and would like to pay for it! :)

One of those sleepy days

Not the best night ... I went to bed, took my meds (which usually knock me out), but nope ... wide awake. Usually not a problem, but with my meds it is ... I don't function well on my night meds (which is why they're taken at night). I'm extremely clumsy, and don't walk well ... if any. So there I was, wide awake, meds taken. Too much running through my head, so I made the decision to get up and go downstairs. Good idea at the time ... but should have thought it through. I stumble out of the bedroom and make it down the stairs (not really sure how). Into the kitchen for a snack and some water (I was starved as I had not eaten anything all day), then to the laptop. (At least I didn't attempt to make it to the basement!) So I sit down, eat, and do some things on the laptop ... not that there was much to do. So I ended up picking up a book suggested by my therapist to read and read 20 some pages and thought it was stupid, couldn't understand why she wanted me to read it. So mad about the book, I went back to bed ... crawled up the stairs, then thought I'd ask Bart about taking some extra meds because I was feeling anxious and had a headache. So I stumble down the hall (he's in the guest room)and just couldn't walk anymore, so I sit. From there I yell, can I have a green pill and something for a headache. Of course he's sound asleep so I have to repeat it, to that I get a yes. But he had no idea what he had just agreed upon. Then it was, "where are you". Well duh, in the hallway ... where else would I be at 3 AM? Finally he figures out what was going on and tells me to get in bed (right, I can't walk at this point). So I crawl to the bedroom, just to decide I needed to pee, luckily the master bath is right by the bed. Somehow I made it there, and that's where Bart comes in .... lights on (I SO hate that) yelling about me being up, falling down, knocking things down, etc. (Did I mention I fell in the bathroom?) So I get mad, he gives me something for a headache ... nothing else and tells me to get in bed and stay in bed! (I am such a 5 year old!) So I did.

So this morning (or shall I say late afternoon) Socrates and I decide to get out of bed ... I look at the clock and it's almost 4!!!! What the heck! There went the day! I slept off and on throughout the day, but still ... geesh! It's been a LONG time since I had done that! So we get up, get dressed ... Of course Socrates needed out and fed. Then the remainder of the day has been spent right here ... in front of the computer scrapping, or computing! :) Well, except for when Bart and I went out for dinner (Pizza). Nothing exciting ... nor did I accomplish anything. But I did sleep good ... once I got to sleep! But I've yet to figure out why I need to read this stupid book! (Not to worry, I will ask her Wednesday)

It's about time

After YEARS of trying to convince my husband to buy a pair of Doc Martens he FINALLY gave in and did it!!!!! (Late Christmas gift, that came today) Man oh man does he love them!!!! (Can I say I TOLD YOU SO?)

He got a pair of black shoes, from the industrial line (that seems to make a difference to him). INDUSTRIAL ... what's up with that and men? But FINALLY, he has a pair ... my job here is done!


(well almost)

Slump

Okay, I'll admit it ... yesterday wasn't the best! And then it just got worse as the day went on, but I tried so hard to make it good ... not to be depressed. And today ... we'll I've been awake since 8 AM tossing and turning, finally decided to just get up. I can tell it's not going to be a good day. It's hard to explain, it's a feeling I get in the pit of my stomach and chest. A depression/anxious feeling ... and I hate it!!!! I go from being great to being like this, all because of my stupid PMDD!!!! I just wish they could find something to work for it!!!!

I'm going to TRY and work on my adoption journal today, but I'm so lost and overwhelmed with it. I need help, I don't know what to do! I've been trying to do it in order, but I've waited so long it's making it hard!!!!!!!

Guess we'll just wait and see what happens and make the best of it!

Blah

That pretty much describes my day! First I sleep through my alarm, and my therapy appointment this morning! I called and left an apology on her voicemail and explained I worked last night, and I'd see her next week. Keep your fingers crossed I don't get slapped with a no show fee!!!!
I slept most of the day, which felt so good, I needed it! I then got up, got dressed .... caught up on emails, etc then decided to go shopping. Shopping always cheers me up!
So, I open the door to find my new doc Martians I ordered ... SO excited, so I came back in to put them on! Now I'm REALLY not happy ... they're a few inches below the knee, so of course they don't fit! Not sure what I was thinking ordering those, but I SO wanted them!!!!! So totally bummed I head to the scrapbook store .... $25 store credit in hand. I bought a lot of pattern paper (why I don't know), and some embellishments, and of course Prima milk bottle flowers to add to my collection! I was looking for some cool black rub on letters, but it was a no go! So I head to AC Moore .... nope, nothing there either! So next stop Kohls to look for a shirt to match a pair of pants I got for Christmas ... and you guessed it, no luck there either!!!!
Bart called and told me he was running late, and we'd meet at the Mexican restaurant for dinner ... so that's what we did. I met him, we ate ... came home, and I finished ONE scrapbook page, and attempted to start a few others! So not catching up! I have so much to do and can't do it!
So, we'll see what tomorrow brings .... hopefully some creativity and sunshine!

Stupid work

So this morning (well 11ish, that's morning) the phone rings ... I'm half asleep, don't even bother looking at the caller ID. I woke up about an hour ago and had an email from Bart that my lovely male supervisor (no, not the words he used) left a message to see if I could work 3-11 tonight rather than 7-11. Okay, it's 2.21 ... I'm sill half asleep because I was up half the night. But we decided I should call so he can't say I didn't (which he has in the past .. many times). So I call him, I'm nice, upbeat, friendly (let me tell you, that wasn't easy) and let him know I couldn't be in until my scheduled shift, I hope you've found coverage by now ... but he cuts me off halfway through my first word with "alright, bye" click. So all our conversation was ... "Kevin Pulmonary" "Hi Kevin, it's Abby, sorry I'm just not getting back to you. I'm sorry but I can't come in before 7" Then I was going on to say I hope you have found coverage by now, blah blah blah but got cut off with "Alright, bye" click No, thanks for calling ... nothing!!!!! JERK!!!!!!

Anyway, I'm going back to sleep .... I'm tired and not in a good mood thanks to that little message I had to listen to then actually talk to the idiot! Tonight is another 4 hours and better be a good 4 hours that fly's by! I can't take much more!

Don't even go there!

One thing I do, is take my work seriously .... especially when it comes to the kids and babies. There's no messing around with them! I don't care if it's past time for there treatment and "per protocol" I can't give it ... I do, you don't mess with kids .. PERIOD! (Adults, that's another story ... if it's past time, it's past time.)

I just worked a big four hours and it felt like 18. I was busy as hell that four hours! And could anyone help me, of course not! (Christi did come when she got finished and helped me set up a tent for a baby) But everyone else was busy too or didn't answer there phone. (Those phones are dumb, they don't work EVERYWHERE) And to top that off when Christi went down to get the tent set up, Theresa (supervisor), Beth, and Lynda were all sitting in the break room eating!!!!!!! Nice to know I'm up there busting my butt giving sick kids treatments and setting up tent after tent, those three can sit and have an enjoyable night! Lynda knew I needed help, but when I called she was busy. Beth and Theresa didn't answer there phone, but you'd think they would have called to check on me! But I still didn't care I don't mind being busy, especially when I know that I'm only working for four hours. One, it makes the time fly by (usually), and you leave with the feeling of accomplishment.

But then what happens as I'm walking out the department door? Jerry calls (that is who took my assignment). The parents of an infant were saying I didn't give the treatment or even come in the room, and the nurse backed them up! I don't think so! I did all my treatments, I ALWAYS do all my treatments on kids. And to have the nurse that saw me up there for my ENTIRE SHIFT to say I didn't do something ... don't even go there with me! Then she argues with me and tells me I need to come and talk to the parents, forget that! I apologized to Jerry because he had to walk in on that, and I think he was cool with it ... I know what I did, and if I didn't do a treatment I'd say I didn't do it! And to ask me to come and talk to the parents to smooth it over ... not my job! Is it my fault they stick the baby in the bed and then go to sleep? What am I suppose to do, wake them up so they know I'm in there, instead of being as quiet as possible so everyone can get the sleep they need? So ruined my whole freaking night just because of that! So like an idiot I cry the whole way home and get here and hold Socrates and just cry. Dumb I know. And, of course I'm back tomorrow, and will probably get the same assignment! So I'll have to deal with the same nurse and I dare her to say a word!! When it comes to kids, I don't mess around! And the kids I had tonight were some sick little kids! I'm there to help them get better, not make them worse by skipping a treatment! An adult ... yup, they can miss them if I'm busy ... but NEVER does a child or infant!!!! I do my job, and I do it well ... and I do NOT tolerate people saying otherwise! Trust me, if I get the same assignment, those parents will know I'm in there ... the light's going on and I will make all the noise I can! Let them complain about that ... at least that's worth a complaint!

Happy New Year

Finally ... 2006 is here!!! I never thought it would get here, but yet here we are! So it's January .... the month of our referral ... fingers cross we get it EARLY in the month! (You're not crossing your fingers, I can tell ... CROSS THEM!)

We rung in the new year in West Virginia. Nothing special, just a quiet evening with my parents and nephew. Well, as quiet of an evening you can have with a 6 year old! They ended up going to bed around 10 so Bryce would go to sleep ... he was SO tired! Bart and I waited up and then went to bed soon after midnight. (Exciting bunch aren't we?)

Today we had our usual New Years Dinner .... my brother and his wife came over to eat with us, and exchange Christmas gifts as well. Nice visit with them ... even if my brother isn't one to talk, especially to me! At least his wife was nice, not sure what's up with that! They brought Bryce's puppy he got for Christmas and man is she every the cutest thing!!!!! Good too! Brian's taught it how to sit and lay already! Too bad he leaves in a few days or he's have that dog doing all kinds of things! She's tolerant with Bryce too, which I hope she stays that way!!!! She's going to be a big one, you should see the paws on her!!! She's a Bernese Mountain Dog and is soft and fluffy. I'd hate to have to brush that dog and clean up all the shedding when it's full grown!!!!! Her name is Bernice (original, huh?). I took tons of pictures of her and of course of Bryce with her, so I have plenty to do a scrapbook page. I think I'll make a page for Bryce to hang in his room as well.

We're leaving for home in the morning, I work tomorrow night 7 - 11 PM. Bart wants to leave around 10 in the morning to be sure we get home in plenty of time. I on the other hand want to hit the scrapbook store here, and another store or two. We'll see if that happens. I was going to go today to see if they were open, but didn't get a chance.

For the past 5 hours or so I have been fighting off a panic attack ... why? No clue? I feel like my heart's going a mile a minute, yet my heart rate is normal. I took my 10 PM meds a half an hour early ... and no relief. So I just too my night pills (which will hopefully just knock me out) and of course took an extra Klonopin. We'll see. Who know's what's going on.