As boring as it may be, it's my life. You live life and learn as you go along. So hop into my life and enjoy the ride! (You don't want to forget to buckle up, sometimes it's one heck of a bumpy ride!)

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Happy Halloween!

I hope everyone had a happy day (and night) of haunting. I hope you had lots of treats and zero tricks!

My Halloween was spent being rather pissed off. Bart decided we shouldn't hand out candy because they wouldn't be home until around 7ish, I had to take a friend home from work at 7.30. So there went that fun ... I love handing out candy! Sitting outside seeing all the cute little one's all decked out ever so cute. Then the older one's that don't even dress up ... give me a break! But nope, not this year .... I slept until it was time for me to pick DJ up. Enjoyed watching the little trick or treaters in his neighborhood, then drove by the infamous Dodd household where there was great spooky fun being had by all. How cool is it to show a scary movie on your house??? Now that my friends is what I call rockin' ... but what do you expect? :)

Next year .... I'm going all out! So to all you ghosts and goblins .... watch out!!!!

Labels:

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Family and funerals

Today was my cousin's funeral, my heart sinks as I even write that! 44 years old, divorced with an 11 year old beautiful daughter! A heart attack ... can you believe that, a heart attack!!!!
Yesterday at the viewing I saw family members I haven't seen since my wedding 8 years ago. It was nice to see them, but I wish it wasn't in that way. But isn't that how it goes? I also say many people come and go, heard a lot of great stories, and was amazed at the amount of people who came to the first viewing!!

Today ... I was truly amazed and touched by all the people who came from all over the country for Chris. You could tell his friends, they looked like mobsters all in black with sunglasses ... all BIG MEN! You could tell some of them were seeing each other for the first time in many years. To think they drove and flew in from all over for a funeral! What does that tell you?? That tells you what kind of person Chris was! He was the dependable friend you called no matter who, what, where, or when and knew he'd be there. He was the one that would make you laugh, and be there when you cried. He was a genuine friend in the true sense of the word to so many.

I learned a lot about Chris today, I knew he was a great guy ... how could he not be? He's part of my family, raised by the sweetest parents ... my aunt who is looking more and more like my Grandmother every time I see her! I knew he loved football ... but so many said it was more than a sport to him. It was being with his friends enjoying life. He loved being surrounded my those he loved. A story that was echoed a lot during the past few days was also told at the funeral ... Chris loved food (and let me tell you, his mom can cook!). Every time he'd come home he'd just open the fridge door and just look in awe. When asked what he needed, he always replied ... "Nothing Mom, just taking it all in.". He savored the moments of his life ... which helped me know that even though he left WAY too soon, he savored each and every minute her was here.

So many will miss him, so many will remember him, so many will smile when they think of something he said or did ....

Marsha (his sister) said it perfectly ... Chris is going to get to heaven and Aunt Mary is going to ask him if he brought any of that good food! :)

My beliefs are odd, I'm not sure I believe in that ... but it makes me smile! And I do know, they are all looking upon me.

I found peace today, something I needed, as this hit me hard. I found peace by being surrounded by my abundant family and being reminded I do have the greatest family around! I found peace by hearing stories from his friends, and I found peace by knowing that Chris enjoyed every single second of his 44 years!!!

Love you lunchmeat!!! :)

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Not a good night ....

It started out good ... well, okay! I had plans yesterday ... there were 2 open houses I wanted to attend, but Terry was working OT, so Bart went and stayed as well. Whatever! Bart doesn't like to go to open houses, he'd rather go with our realtor for a private showing ... so maybe it was done on purpose, I don't know. I on the other hand like to see things NOW! But I got over it.
I didn't really feel like doing much, most of the day I sat around in my PJ's chatting online to Dawn, my friend in Utah (hey Tune). Finally I got the energy to get a shower and get dressed. After doing that I decided to hit AC Moore and JoAnn's because I needed a couple things (honestly, I did). Well passing by the dollar store I decided to stop there ... glad I did, I got a lot of cute little things for my nephew for Halloween, and some things for myself! :) Love that place!

Let me back up ... on my way to AC Moore (which ended up being the dollar store) I called Bart because they were on there way home. He told me he was taking Terry to AA, blah blah blah. I told him I'd take him just to drop him off and I'd go .... Bart doesn't go into the meeting with him, and I do. Terry likes it better when someone goes with him. Next call .... he was just taking him and dropping him off so he would be early, etc. That was fine, I still had like 20 minutes to get there so I thought I'd finish shopping and get to the meeting in no time. Wrong .... I get there 30 minutes into it! Oops! No biggie because the way it's laid out, nobody see's when people come late, so it's not like I made this big glorious entrance. I didn't see Terry, so I stood in the back.

After the meeting, I apologized ... he didn't mind, and we went on our way. On the way home I asked what his plans were and he didn't have any. I said I wanted to do something and named a few things, but got no response. I could tell he was tired, so I just shut up. We get home ... I check my email, look through the mail, etc. I'm STARVING at this point and I told Bart I wanted to go to Ruby Tuesday's. By this time it's pushing 10. Okay, I should probably say I bitched because I didn't get to go to JoAnn's or AC Moore. I could have on my way home, but didn't push it with Terry. And thought I'd drop him off and run back out, but didn't. Bart was sound asleep .... which made me mad. So that's when I sat at my computer brewing.
So anyway, he said that sounded good .... Terry agreed, so off we all went. We had a fun time ... Terry had a couple drinks (great thing to do after AA I know) and I had 2 Mojito's (highly suggested, they're new there ... yummy with that hint of mint). Bart had nada. So after eating, we stopped at Sheetz because Terry needed smokes. Terry and I were on the happy side and having a blast, and honestly I think Bart was too! I was singing and dancing in the back seat .... when I came out of sheetz, Bart told me my song was on ... and it was Shoop, remember that song? So love it! And who doesn't know all the words? So standing outside I start singing! :) Embarrassed Terry, who hopped in the truck so I followed, my mouth still going. Terry turned it up thinking he could drown out me ... what was he thinking? I can get louder too! So he gave in and sang too!!! It was fun!!!!

So all that fun, I should have known it was too good to be true. We get home ... Terry and I still going we popped in a DVD Tokyo Drift. (GREAT movie I might add) At some point something happened, honestly I don't know what ... but Terry got pissed at me. He gets to this point where he drinks TOO MUCH and no matter what I do or say it's the wrong thing and he gets mad. This time he couldn't find his smokes he just bought so of course I stole them! (they were on top of the microwave) So after his smoke break he came in and I decided to ignore him because usually that's the best thing to do. He left before the movie ended, told Bart to let him know when it was over and he'd watch it. huh? So we finished the movie, and Bart went to bed, and I went and got ready for bed. I came back downstairs to do some things that needed done and Terry came from outside (smoking again) and got his blanket and pillow (he usually sleeps on the couch) and started on his way upstairs. I simply said (and not in a bitchy way either), What's your problem? He responded back in the way he does when he's mad that SO makes my blood boil, if you remember you got us on bad terms, and continues walking. I asked what I did, which of course didn't get a response ... never does. Then he got to the top of the steps and I heard ... SLUT! Ummmm, no! Not going there ... AGAIN! So it ended up not pretty at all! Bart ended up getting up and being the ref ... made me stay downstairs. Tried to talk to Terry logically (which you can't do), and he just lied his ass off. So I'm down here hearing every word yelling up at them. My blood was HOT and I was ready for a kick out drag out match! My Irish temper was ready to go! I ended up getting babysat by Bart for an hour or so (which I HATED) to make sure I didn't go upstairs and start anything ... give me a break!

Around 5AM I think I finally calmed down enough to lay down and cry myself to sleep. Honestly I just wanted out of here. And I text Shyam telling him I needed out ... but I knew I wouldn't get a response.
After I calmed down I text Terry and apologized for what I said, but of course didn't get a response from him either ... and I heard him get them ... not that he read them though.

So here it is almost 7PM Sunday and I haven't seen nor heard Terry. I hate it! I hate fighting with him, but when he drinks over his limit that's how it ends and I know he doesn't see it. But I can't take being disrespected, especially in my own home! I don't know how to make him understand that .... or if he's ready to understand that. All I know is I'm not about to lose another very good friend .... I've lost Shyam, and I don't want to lose Terry and I'm going to. He's either going to die from drinking, or leave and never speak to me again. That's what I sat pondering last night ... friends, good friends. What's the point? Up until Shyam, I didn't have any ... I pushed them all away after Amy died in 1994. And look what happened, he's still alive, but I think I'm dead to him. Now Terry ... looks like I'm losing him too. So why let people in? Why let people get close to you?? When I pushed everyone away before my reasoning was, if I don't let anyone in, if I don't let anyone get close to me I can't lose anything. Looks like I've proven myself right .....

I can't help but have this going through my head ...

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

Psalm 23

Friday, October 20, 2006

The phone call you hate getting

You know the one I mean, as it rings somehow you know what's waiting for you on the other end. Your heart instantly goes into your throat, it's hard to swallow, hard to breath, and it's definitely hard to answer the phone. I got that call tonight ... a very unexpected call from my mom about my cousin, Chris.

"I have some really bad news about Chris, he died tonight." I was silent, I didn't know what to say, I'm not sure I could even talk! Finally I got out ... "died?" My mom went on .... "He's huge WVU football fan and has season tickets and never misses a game. Tonight they play Connicut and Chris was meeting up with a friend and they were going to go together, but Chris never showed. The friend waited and waited, he called and called, but nothing. Finally he went to Chris's apartment and found him dead on the floor." Still I'm stuttering, "dead, how?" Things going throughout my head ... drugs ... no, suicide ... I doubt it, I couldn't figure how someone at such a young age could just die. My mom said that the family thinks it was a heart attack, but nobody knows for sure, only time will tell. We didn't talk long ... I get off the phone and try to hold myself together. Of course like every other time I get this kind of news I'm home alone. So I cuddle Socrates close, and I lost it ... I burst into tears crying for so many things. Crying for his daughter, my aunt and uncle, his brother, his two sisters, his nieces, and nephews, so many people, so much pain, so many lives touched by one single person.

I felt compelled go somewhere and watch the WVU-Conn. game .... so we went to an Irish sports pub and did just that. We missed the beginning of the game, but that was okay ... I watched it for Chris, I felt peace in that for some odd reason. The Mountaineers kicked butt as always, Chris would have been happy ... the score was something like 37 to 9. I know he was smiling from where he was.

So back home we go, I'm not really wanting to go home ... that means I have to actually deal with this. My cousin was in his apartment in New York getting ready to go to a football game with a friend, and well ... you know the story.
I don't want to say I deal with death okay, because I don't. But I do deal with it. I find great peace in my belief system ... and I believe that everyone is here on earth for a purpose ... what that purpose is, we don't know. But we travel along that road of life ... eventually we have fulfilled our purpose, there is no longer a need for us to be here, our work is done. No it's not fair so many are left behind, no it's not fair you don't know it's coming so you can't say your goodbye's, but that's life ... extremely unfair. But in knowing that, is where I find my peace.

So it leaves us with our memories ... that's how we keep our loved one's alive.

"Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal." (an Irish proverb I believe)

The walk

Tonight I went on a walk to attempt to calm myself down. I'm stressed to the max and with my period just around the corner (I know that's something you ALL wanted to know) just makes it all 100 times worse! So being stressed out, overwhelmed, etc kicks in my lovely anxiety! The anxiety gives me something that's hard to explain. It's something I'm learning to deal with ... something that I use to let just tear me apart, and I'd end up having a major attack and then takes meds to fall asleep. Luckily things have changed ... but things aren't perfected! But my anxiety gives me this energy, no matter how tired I am, I get this burning energy that has to be let out. So out for a walk I went ... in the drizzling rain. I walked and I walked ... I walked fast and could feel my heart pounding with the angry energy I had pent up inside me. My head spun with everything, and I kept on walking .... and crying. I felt like I wanted to get away, but I had nowhere to go, but to walk. So I continued (my development makes a circle). The sky was pretty ... the sun was starting to come up (kinda early for that I thought). I took everything in, everything I saw and smelled. I would walk and close my eyes and take a deep breath and would wish so badly I would smell that smell I love ... the salty sandy smell of the ocean, but go figure I never did! I would give anything to be there right now, letting the ocean take away all my problems with each wave that crashed to shore! But instead I'm here ... walking.
Finally it came to me ... and I know this sounds dumb, I admit there's nothing profound about this thought! No matter how far I walk, I always have to turn around and go back to where I started from. There was no running away ... I had nowhere to run but back to where I started.
So on that thought, I turned around and made my way back home. Feeling better .... but still have that burning energy inside me.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Don't live in a box!

Life is to short to hate! People need to start understanding that we are all human beings, no matter your religion, race, ethnic background, or sexual preference. We're all in this world for a short time together. When you hate so much in your life, your life becomes misserable and you miss out on all the people around you! Dont live in a box, life will pass you by and before you know it .... it's over.
Life's too short not to enjoy it to the fullest, you never know when it's going to be your last.

The hunt for the right house

I haven't written about our house hunting saga yet. For the past month or two, we've been house hunting! I'm not sure which is harder ... finding the right man, or finding the right house!!! The whole thing has my head spinning beyond belief.
There are certain things I want ... and you know me, I don't ask for much! :) I want a 2 story house with a nice size forayer, at LEAST 3 bedrooms, but prefer 4, a living room, dining room, family room, and then a glorious master suit where I can escape to! Don't forget we'd need a scrapbook room, and Bart needs an office! Did I mention land? I'd like land too .... and remember I live in the land of townhomes!!! Land is hard to come by around here, and when you find it ... you pay dearly for it! But seriously ... does that sound like a hard place to find??
I thought we had it narrowed down to 3 .... all different, all in different towns, all having something special to offer. One an old Victorian (1815) that was on 2.4 acres. This house had been totally renovated in 2000 with the best of the best! It looked out of a Better Homes and Garden! All original hardwood floors, and the staircase was all original wood and beautiful. The only problem ... I don't think it had enough room for all our needs ... especially with the baby grand piano!!! That's become a pain when looking at homes!
The second, a colonial in a neighborhood. .2 acres, again walked in and just ooohhhed and awwwwwed. Gorgeous! Most of the yard is in the front, so very little back yard. It had a finished basement with a family room and two very nice sized rooms for an office and scrapbook room. The family room is oddly shaped, but it's a family room nonetheless. The master suit rocked with funky orange walls I loved, but walking back to the bath area it was rather small. Oh, I forgot ... I want a garden tub!! And this had ... no garden tub. A stand up shower if I remember correctly. But it had a 2 car garage, and 4 bedrooms.
The third, I loved from the picture itself. It's a very unique looking 55 year old home on an acre (or more) of land. Beautifully landscaped, and a new privacy fence which is great! This house is unique and has a lot of personality. It looks small, but open a door and you'd be amazed! The only problem ... no forayer, no dining room, no living room, and no garden tub.

So where does this leave us ....

Bart's happy with anything, as long as it has high speed internet. So it's me ... usually I'm not the indecisive one, he is! I guess I'll just keep spinning until my heart leads me the right way ..... but man am I getting dizzy!

Labels:

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Rain ...

How can the weather have such an impact on your emotions? Not only that, but how can where you are and who you're with during said weather change that?

Today it's a gloomy rainy day. I'm home alone (well with Socrates), have a lot on my mind, and have things I SHOULD be getting done. So this rainy day just makes everything worse, it makes things depressing. It makes me think of the things bothering more than I would if it were nice out. It just makes me want to crawl under the covers and somehow disappear.

Let's say you're with the one you love ... that turns it all around. Then the rain is romantic, the sound, being in it, everything about it. Do you know how long it's been since I've danced with a man in the rain?

I guess it's just one of those days ... the kind that drain you emotionally from thinking about too much, pondering on things like rain!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

When will it be over?

How much longer am I going to see families, children playing, think of traditions, etc and not get depressed because that's never going to be me??? Our townhouse backs to the common area which is right beside the playground, so there are always kids of ALL ages behind our house. We've spent a lot of time out on the deck and have gotten to know some of the kids by playing baseball, football, etc with them, and when we're not playing we always watch and cheer them on from the deck. Sometimes there's not a game going on and it's just kids playing, and I just sit and watch .... daydreaming almost. Sometimes I wonder if people look at me and think I'm a little strange always watching kids play ... but that's what today's world has gotten to, and I'm not giving in when I'm doing nothing wrong. Anyway ... so there I sit, laughing and smiling at there little giggles. Wishing so badly for one of my own.

Today I was outside and I was watching a few kids play and it hit me like a ton of bricks .... at this time last year I was thinking this time next year I'd have a little girl to romp in the leaves with, to take to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard we go to every year. Well guess what ... didn't happen!!!! Call it what you wish, but as that hit me, I got tears in my eyes, then looked back to the playground which was ironicly empty .... but there was one swing still swinging, empty ... almost like a reminder of what could have been or something.

Christmas is coming up and once again, just like last year (but for a different reason), I am NOT looking forward to any part of it. Just like I was looking forward to this Christmas because I'd have a little girl, but yet .... nada. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through the holidays this year! Last year was extremely hard, but that was with the knowledge that this year would be so much different. And yes, it is different .... but not in the way I was hoping for!!

Bart seems to be so unaffected by all of this, and here I am still crying over kids having fun! Am I that wrong? Am I selfish? When will I be able to move on? I want a child so badly and I just don't see it happening in the near future as I want it to, and that's something I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with!!!!!

HELP!!!!!!

Saturday, October 14, 2006

How much does James Blunt rock?

Do you not know? Well let me just tell you ... A LOT!!!!! Last night I went to his concert with Beth and Matt and it ROCKED!!!! Beth and I are in love with the man and have been for some time due to a few of his songs helping us through some extremely hard times in our lives. When we heard he was coming to Merriweather, there was no ifs ands or buts keeping us away. Of course we invited others, but always seemed to get the same response .... "who's James Blunt?" So after much ridicule (which didn't phase us, it was them missing out), we decided this concert should just be the two of us anyway. So that was that!

I'm sure you're wondering where the heck Matt comes in, and who he is. Matt is a friend of Beth's she grew up with. Very nice guy too I might add. He has been in Iraq for a tour or two and finally got leave for 2 weeks and surprised his parents with the event! Can you imagine? So Beth thought it would be something for him to do to keep his mind off of what he's seen. So along he came (not knowing James Blunt or wanting to ... excuse me Jimmy as he called him).

Nonetheless the three of us had an absolute blast!!! Who cares it was in the mid 30's? We were rockin' out with James Blunt who sounded GREAT!!! You know how you go to some concerts and they sound NOTHING like they do on there CD's? Not James Blunt ... if anything, he sounded better! ROCK ON!!!!!

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Pssstttt ... come here

Ya you! What do I have to do to get your attention, jump up and down waving flags ... or better yet boas with my tiara on? Geesh people! :)

Just wondering if you've been clicking on my google ads ... gotta get my money, I need it! :) So now that I've got your attention, don't forget to visit, read, comment, and click the ads!! :)

Thanks from me .... and my bank account!!! LMAO

Starbucks - The Way I See It #181

A childs mind isn't a blank slate; it's more of a jungle. Each time a parent helps a toddler read, the child is walked through this jungle from one side to the other. Trip after trip, a seemingly impossible passage becomes a well-worn path.
Children sent to kindergarten skipping merrily along this path to literacy fare far better than those sent to school with machetes.
- Keith Mastrion ("Reading Man" and 1998 National Teach of the Year)

Labels:

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Life ...

Why is there so many speed bumps in the road of life? Let me rephrase that ... why are there so many speed bumps in THIS PHASE of my life?? It's just one after another, there's no smooth sailing, just bumps!

It's funny people can look at me and think my life is just perfect, I put on a great act for those around me. Of course there's friends and family that can see right through my act and know something is wrong, but for the most part ... I'm on stage. I always wanted to be on stage ... but not in this way, but this is my way of keeping my problems to myself and not worrying others with them. Believe it or not, I'm a very private person, and I hate burdening others with my problems. No it's not healthy to keep everything bottled up until I explode, but it's how I've become over the past 31 years of practice. I'm trying though, I'm finally being honest in therapy which I hate, but hopefully it will help. Saying I have a problem or that something that is going to sound SO minor to someone else is really eating away at me makes me feel so weak. Everyone has problems I know, and having problems doesn't make you weak ... but for me; personally, speaking of them makes me not only weak, but makes the problem more real and powerful.

Yesterday I went to see my shrink and my therapist. First appointment was with the Dr. He asks about how things are (small talk) and then about some personal things I have mentioned to him about my life. I was honest ... I told him it sucked. Then came the questions that I just love (I remember studying them in college) ... the questions to see if you're depressed and to what degree you are depressed. Of course I know what to say to make me look fine, but what's the point? So I'm always honest with him ... he finished talking to me, leaned back in his chair and looked me in the eyes ..... "I don't understand how you can come in here looking so good, acting so happy like life is going great. I'm sure everyone you pass thinks you have a wonderful life when infact you're crying on the inside." Isn't that the truth ... crying on the inside, that's putting it lightly! So then it was, I want to change your meds ... and we talk about all the options. Of course I told him I wanted to change nothing, I wanted off of everything, but nope ... he increased my Paxil. I go back in two weeks and we'll go from there. In the meantime I have to have my family doctor fax him some lab work, etc in case he needs to go another route. He said I once again amazed him with my attitude and smile when in fact I was standing on the edge of a deep depression. JUMP! (Just kidding) :)

After that appointment I had like 15 minutes until my therapy appointment. So being the prepared person I am .... I had taken a painting I'd been working on and a few chalks. So I sat down and worked on that. I also caught the attention of an adorable little girl (probably 3ish) who wanted to watch me. She was amazed and asked if she could help ... what did I care? It's chalks, I can fix whatever happens with those ..... so her little eyes lit up when I said sure! She had a blast and was adorable! We had a fun time!

So my therapist comes out and motions me back, and back I go ... I get the, "How are you doing" questions and I give me usual "fine" response. To that response I get .... "well that's not what the Dr. had to say". Stupid charts!!!! So it was out .... I had to talk! I told her there was so much going on I was beyond overwhelmed. So she said to grab something and talk about it, the first thing that comes to mind. Hmmm, wonder what that was! Shyam! She knows the history between us, so I didn't have to go through all that. I told her how he has been ignoring me and how much it was hurting me. I told her I talked to him on the phone once since he had gotten out of rehab and had gotten a couple emails ... but that's it. Of course I told her I blamed myself for him not talking to me, because obviously I did something wrong. I'm very surprised I talked about him the whole time without crying (saved that for when I got to my car). She said I need to stop worrying about it, and when he's ready he'll contact me. Right! Do you see me doing that? Am I the type of person that can just say, oh okay ... enough of that, when he's ready he's ready! NO!

I don't understand so many things going on right now .... why do I have to have so many bumps in my road?

Thursday, October 05, 2006

A poem that I've always loved ....

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,And sorry I could not travel bothAnd be one traveler, long I stoodAnd looked down one as far as I couldTo where it bent in the undergrowth.Then took the other, as just as fair,And having perhaps the better claim,Because it was grassy and wanted wear;Though as for that the passing thereHad worn them really about the same.And both that morning equally layIn leaves no step had trodden black.Oh, I kept the first for another day!Yet knowing how way leads on to way,I doubted if I should ever come back.I shall be telling this with a sighSomewhere ages and ages hence:Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--I took the one less traveled by,And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

Labels:

I've discovered something ....

As I go to AA for support for a friend, I usually sit there waiting for it to be over, but today was different. It was as though they were all speaking to me, not that I'm an alcoholic by any means, but I left there with a new understanding of myself.

I'm a perfectionist, I admit it ... I've admitted it many times. Anything I do, I have to do it the best. When it comes to my art ... be it scrapbooking, painting, photography, etc ... it has to be done to the T! Many times I'm not happy with anything I finish because it's not perfect, I can always find something wrong with anything I've done. But for the past few years I've been trying to learn to just let it go.

A lot of people find humor in the fact I'm such a perfectionist when they look at my life ... not humor as in mocking or making fun of me, a good humor. I'm FAR from perfect, I'll never be perfect! I don't look perfect, I don't act perfect, I don't speak perfect, etc ... my life is FAR FAR from perfect. It wasn't until tonight something came to the surface ... it was something someone shared that had to do with what was read at the meeting. As I said, I felt as though they were all speaking to me, but this really hit home! He said he was a perfectionist, yet he was an alcoholic which isn't perfect. His life had problems and rather than fixing those problems in his marriage and his life he chose to find other people to help. DING ... lightbulb!!! That's me! I love helping people ... you need five bucks, here you go! I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser, because I'm far from that ... but put me in contact with someone who needs something, truly needs something and I'm all over it. It occurred to me that I have MANY problems in my personal life that I am choosing to ignore and not fix, instead I'm attempting to fix others. Kind of an earthshattering moment for me. Never did I see that.

I do get "feelings" ... not premonitions or anything, I'm not psychic, but I do get "feelings" that I am meant to do one thing or another, and I follow that. I feel it's the road I'm to take to get to where I am meant to be in life. But then there's just the fact, there's a person who needs something that I can help with ... no feeling that I *NEED* to do it, I just do it. I've been told many many times that I can NOT save the world, so stop trying. And that's true. I don't need to help every single person I come in contact with that needs something ... especially when I'm going to AA meetings where everyone needs something!!!! :)

So here I am, a perfectionist with many meant imperfections in my life that I either can't fix, or don't want to deal with (mostly it's don't want to deal with) .... so what do I do? I find others to fix. I'm not talking the people I feel I need to go to and help (the whole "feelings" thing), but just the average Joe that needs a buck or two, etc. Okay ... I'm sure you're thinking that there's nothing wrong with that, and little things like making a card for someone that needs it, or lending a few bucks to someone isn't. But I tend to take it a little further, take on their problems as if my own and fix them ... or attempt to. It wasn't until this meeting that the light bulb went off and it occurred to me that I do that. It's not healthy ... I need to stop! I can't help having that giving nature, and need to help ... but it is true, I'm never going to save the world one person at a time!

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Count your blessings. . . .

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep ... you are richer than 75% of this world.
If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.
If you woke up this morning with more health than illness ... you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death ... you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.
If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare, even in the United States.
If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful... you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
If you can hold someone's hand, hug them or even touch them on the shoulder... you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.
If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.

Have a good day, and count your blessings!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

Shanna Banana turns 30 .....

Shanna turned 30 last week .... the BIG THREE ZERO!!!!!! So I got with Andy and we were going to surprise her with something. Finally we decided to go with the old standby ... out to eat, then to a bar. So Lonestar here we come!

Of course the surprise was blown (aren't they usually ... Especially when it's a co-worker?), but we still had a great time!!! I was the one to go get our name on the list (party of 20 please). I went an hour early .... okay, I was SUPPOSE to go an hour early, but ummm, it was more like 35 minutes. But it worked out fine ... everyone in our group is almost always late! We had yummy food (and drinks) before heading to Champions.

Not everyone went to Champions, just a few of us ... but we of course had a ton of fun!! It's way to hard not to when you're with that bunch! Poor Shanna was getting over a bad cold, and Christi (her ride) was sick as well. They were troopers and stuck it out as long as they could before leaving me with "the boys". Thankfully Andy's beautiful girlfriend was there so I wasn't the odd man out ... well women! I hadn't been around her much, but she was such a sweetie.

I love going out with them .... I wonder who's birthday's next?

Starbucks - The Way I See It #182

"In my career I've found the 'thinking outside the box' works better if I know what s 'inside the box.' In music (as in life) we need to understand our pertinent history ... and moving on is so much easier once we know where we've been.
Dave Grusin (Award - winning composer and jazz musician)

Labels: