I am SO bored

It's about 4:30, and pretty much I've done nothing today except go to my appointment at 10. I did clean out my closet, which Bart will NOT be happy with because all the stuff I want to get rid of is in piles on the floor, things for friends, things for eBay, etc .... he'll freak! But if he helps me get it up on eBay, boxed up and sent to my friends .... the mess is gone.

I wanted to spend some time in my scrapbook room doing some more organizing and cleaning (maybe some scrapping too), but with Athena I just can't. She has to be supervised ALL the time .... so maybe tonight, who knows.

So here I sit ... Wasting my day. I could have gone to the grocery store and had dinner ready, but nope ... didn't. But I'm beyond bored now ..... I'd like to go to the mall or something, but I know I shouldn't be spending money. So I'll just continue to sit and watch trading spaces!!!

Sucky life!

Well, I need to retrain my brain ....

Today I met with my new councilor ... it went well, she's very knowledable (hence the PhD I suppose) and I think she will be helpful). She's no Amy, but maybe it's for the better.

First impression I think I blogged about .... I never saw her, but didn't like her at all!!! So I went in with a bad attitude (I know, hard to believe that about me). After meeting her, I liked her ... I explained the situation about canceling the appointment and she totally understood ... wasn't real happy nobody told her or that they scheduled an appointment for me though. But I wasn't happy with that either. So that's water under the bridge.

Pretty much today we didn't get into much ... just a lot of questions about what Amy was doing, and she explained her training and the difference in her approach compared to Amy's. Personally, I think her approach will work better as she's more to the point and blunt. Amy was more like talking to a friend ... we had a lot in common, I don't think it will be this way with Barbara. She gave me homework, and some things to try ... so we'll see. She wants to see me weekly for 12 weeks ... she thinks in that time I will see a huge difference. I hope she's right!

I'm to keep a journal by my bed and a small light ... when I'm trying to go to sleep and I have my rushing thoughts, I'm to get my journal, turn on the small light and write each one down as it pops into my head, and tell myself I'll deal with it tomorrow. Then in the morning, get the list and read it ... she said I'll see that 95% or more isn't anything, and the things that are something, I can deal with then ... they couldn't have been delt with at that time of night anyway. Eventually my brain will learn this pattern and start doing things this way on it's own.

I'm to take a test for ADD for adults, and also have my parents take the test about me. She said I explained ADD perfectly. Who knows. We'll see.

She also gave me an article to read on panic attacks and noted the next to the last page an exercise she wants me to do 5 times a day (or more). It's a breathing exercise .... something I do (or try to do) already ... but not that many times a day.

She asked what I wanted to gain from these sessions .... of course I said "be normal". :) Then of course I had to elaborate on that. I explained that I want to be able to function as a "normal" person in society despite my problems. I don't want my anxiety and depression holding me back, I want to be able to make phone calls, go to the grocery story, etc without having a panic attack and talking myself through it. And she told me I'd get there. So I'm waiting .... :)

All in all, it went well ... like I said, she's not Amy, but I think the change is good. So chalk me up for weekly appointments!!!!

Home again, home again

A full day of traveling ... but we're home. It always feels good to be home, back in your own bed, your own surroundings. We didn't hit any bad weather on the way home besides some very thick fog, which wasn't bad. It would have been better if people knew how to drive in fog ... but it was fine.

I got Bart to stop at two stores on the way home to check for a piece (or two) of matching luggage we bought at home. No such luck ... but I was surprised he stopped. He's the type, once he's driving ... no stopping.

We stopped at my sisters on the way home to drop off some clothes that my mom had fixed, and they had forgotten. Nobody was home, but the dogs. I called and left a message so they knew the clothes were there, then called Kaylie's cell to wish her a Happy Birthday because I knew if I didn't do it then I'd forget. She's funny .... I told her I thought about kidnapping her dog and having someone call and say "I have your dog". She didn't think is was as funny as I did. But anyway .... she was having a nice 16th birthday!

Got home, unpacked the car ... unpacked the suitcases and got into about 4 arguments over the unpacking. Who knows why!!! I think we were both just tired and on edge. After unpacking we went and grabbed something to eat and off to pick up the mutts. They were so happy to see us!!! Athena did the Midas dance, and spent a little time with us, but then she could care less we were there. Socrates on the other hand, didn't leave my side. Gotta love my dog!!!! They have such a great time there with the big fenced yard. We were going to leave Athena there for the week by herself to see how she did, but Bart's Dad had a lot to do this week, so I told Bart not to even mention it. We were going to do it since he was off the week and thought she'd be good company. But with his brother passing away, he has family coming in and business to attend to.

Not much else went on ... got caught up on my email, and at the Jungle ... even got to talk to Tunester!!! What more could a girl want!! :D

Now I have to get up early for stupid counseling!!! UGH

Happy Birthday Kaylie

Geez, I can't believe she is 16 today!!! It seems like just yesterday she was learning to walk and talk. I remember coming down with my Dad after she was born (my mom came as soon as Brenda went into labor), and holding her. I was in the 9th grade .... I think I had on my black Greenpeace t-shirt, but I don't know. I do remember thinking she was most beautiful thing I had ever seen ... and being so proud to be her aunt (even though I felt too young to be an aunt). I remember sleeping on the pull out couch, and my mom coming down in the middle of the night for her feedings (Kaylie's not my mom's). She's lay her in bed with me and I'd just hold her close while my mom got her bottle perfect.

It's just so hard to believe that today my little baby niece is 16 ... Driving permit and all!!! I've watched her turn into a beautiful women right in front of my eyes!!!

Happy birthday mouth .... I love you! :)

Almost like I gained a whole day

It was nice to find out it was Saturday not Sunday ... almost like getting an extra day in the week. How many times have we all wished we had an extra day, especially on the weekend?

Not much done today ... a lot of R&R. I slept in until about noon thirty ... didn't sleep all that great, but better than I have been at home. It seems I got cold in the night and switched beds, I don't even remember ... go figure. My Mom tried to get me up around 11, I don't remember that either ... guess I was really sleeping!!!

Bart went shopping ... quick trip, wouldn't take me because he didn't want to be there forever. So my Mom and I are going tomorrow first thing. Bart came back with two suitcases, very nice too! He did a good job picking them out on his own. I just wish he would have gotten the small bag ... he said they had plenty of those left, so I might come home with one tomorrow! :)

We watched Shrek 2, Mom had never seen that one. Dad watched the game in the basement. WVU won the big East ... Yeah Baby!!!! So they're going to the Sugar Bowl baby!!!!

We got pizza from The Pizza Place, which is the BEST place to get pizza. Something we always have to get when we come in. Bart and I went to pick it up ... it was nice because I got to see my high school. It's so beautiful at night ... all lit up! Love that place.

So that's about it ... not a big day, but a nice one. If just my anxiety would get under control .... it's been a BAD day for it today!!!

Happy Thanksgiving

I hope each and everyone of you had a wonderful day. For those of you who traveled, I hope your travels were safe.
We had a nice drive, a little ice and snow the first half ... but no problems at all (besides me getting hit in the head by a chunk of flying ice at the rest stop). We arrived at my parents around 1 ish greeted by the smell of delicious food my mom was cooking. My sister and her family (minus her husband) were already here; they arrived the night before. Shortly after we got here they left to go to have Thanksgiving with my brother - in - laws family. Once they all came back, we had our dinner. What did have you're wondering? Let me tell you, our usual ...
Turkey
Mashed Potatoes
Gravy
broccoli casserole
Corn bread stuffing
Corn (fresh from the cob, frozen from the summer)
Cottage Cheese
Sweet potato casserole
broccoli and cauliflower salad (we always have a salad, but it varies year to year)
Homemade cranberry sauce
Rolls
Green Beans
Hourseradish pickles

Pretzel Salad
Cranberry Salad
Pumpkin Pie
Apple caramel pecan Pie
Pumpkin Roll
Chocolate Mint Cake

How much was left over? Enough for a few more Thanksgivings!!! :)

Kaylie prayed before everyone was in the room, but then wouldn't do it once everyone got there, because she said pops always prays. So my Dad gave the blessing, we went around the table and said what we were both grateful for. (Mine was for an unknown mother in China) Then we all sat and ate, and ate, and ate. Then we sat, and sat, and sat.

Shortly after everything was cleaned up my Uncle Stan and his wife came by. They stop by every Thanksgiving. It'a always nice to see Uncle Stan.

Later that evening Kaylie HAD to open her birthday presents from her Mom, Dad, and brother. She got a very nice digital camera which she was ecstatic about!!! We spent the next hour or so having us take pictures of her. (Yes, she LOVES to look at herself)

It was an enjoyable day. I had fun with Kaylie that evening. I think we're a bit too much a like!!! Dad and Bart watched football (and Bart of course had his laptop nearby). Mom and Brenda were both in bed very early ... it was around 8, I believe. Nick and Brian played pool ... and Kaylie and I were just Kaylie and I. :)

What a day

First thing ... cardiologist appointment. Went well (Becky, did you make your appointment? Get on it!!) ... we talked, had an EKG done (normal, and normal heart rate, of course). I go back in December to get a monitor that I'll wear for a MONTH so they will hopefully capture my increased heart rate and palpatations. So we'll see.
Next stop ... The Scrapbook Store! Now this stop wasn't my fault, it's all Becky's ... you know the one who needs to make her cardiology appointment! :) Her scrapbook store didn't carry the paper she needed to enter a contest, and mine did (I thought). So after buying about $30+ of paper I was out the door.
Bart was starving so off to lunch we go ... Mexican. I wasn't too hungry, so I just got the cheese dip and ate that with the chips. On the way to lunch, I start thinking about the papers I just purchased. So I pulled out the paper I had printed out ... you know, so I could look at it in the store so I bought the right ones ... good idea, huh? Well, it's a better idea if you actually LOOK at the list of papers before purchasing a large amount. You guessed it ... not the right line!!!! So of course Bart's not laughing .... I'm not laughing, even though I LOVE all the paper I purchased. So we call another scrapbook store which is about 30 minutes away. They have the paper ... One of the lines anyway. Here's the problem, I had to be back here by 4:20 for my psychiatrist appointment. I called the doctor's office, but he was booked up... Nothing sooner. So now the mission was on!!! We eat, and head to Scrap Mania (It's 2:00)! We get there, I go in .... of course I can't just get the papers and leave ... I HAD to look around! I did rush though!!! I got the papers, and some other things ... I can't help it, I saw something cute for my Secret Santa at the Jungle! :D Left there at 3:15 and made it to my appointment on time! Shew!!!!!

The appointment went well ... I told him about my hellish weekend. Seems depression has been more of a problem than anxiety lately. The increase in Klonopin has helped. I explained that I become very fidgity around 3, and from there I increasingly get more and more anxious. He suggested I take my Klonopin three times a day rather than two and see if that works before he just increases it again. (Glad it wasn't increased). We talked ... and I was on my way.

Got home ... called Shyam (he doesn't hate me) who is home from sunny California with a cold. And I bet he didn't listen to my advice on what to take either!!! Packed Becky's paper up ... packed the dogs up, and out the door we went again! Stopped by UPS to drop off some packages to go out, then to Bart's Dad's to drop off the dogs.

Finally we're home ... I'm exhausted!! We'll see if I can sleep tonight!!! We're leaving EARLY in the AM for my parents for Thanksgiving. It's sputtering snow now ... I hope things stay clear so we can make it home for Thanksgiving.

Way too funny

After posting my blog for the night, I decided to check out my Google ads (are you remembering to click them daily?) ..... this was one of them http://www.foottraffic.com/subcatpage8.html LOVE IT!!!! A little spendy for socks, but adoarable toe socks!!!!!!!

Okay, found it funny ... had to share! :) And yes, I know the ads match with the content of the page, so that was from my toe sock blog. But still ... cracked me up!!! :D

A nice Tuesday evening

First let me touch on the day .... of course I slept in since I didn't get to sleep last night until around 4 or 5AM. Didn't do much but yell at the dogs and chat online with some friends. I wish I could talk Bart into asking his Dad if he wants Athena ... I love her, but right now it's just too much!!!!

Talked to my boss, I called her back since she left a message yesterday and today. That's a whole other story, I'm too tired to type it all now. Personally, I've had enough of the lady!!!

Bart got home, played his stupid computer game .... I showered and got ready to go out. Dinner and a movie! :)

We say the 10:30 PM showing of Harry Potter. Very good movie, but a little too long for me. I just can't sit there that long. I was VERY antsy towards the end. They left a lot out from the books, but they had to or the movie would have been even longer!!!! We had dinner at Pizza Blitz before the movie (romantic dinner, eh?) I had a slice of pizza, Bart a sub. Very good. The plaza was pretty with Christmas lights and a huge Christmas tree. A very enjoyable evening. My anxiety even stayed under control (for the most part).

2:30 AM and Toe Socks

Yup, another sleepless night .... at least Bart and the dogs are sound asleep (I can hear them all snoring).

I didn't even sleep much today so I'd be tired, but nope ... here I am. Who knows what's up. Maybe the Ambian did work some. I see my shrink Wed., so I'll be sure to mention my lack of sleep to him. I also see the cardiologist Wed ... not looking forward to that, a bit worried!!! I guess Wed is Doctor day. Bart took off that day, so at least I won't be doing it alone!

So I'm laying here (yes, I'm in bed ... even though I've been told you shouldn't be in bed if you can't sleep) thinking about toe socks. Yup ... toe socks! No clue why ... but that's what was on my mind (one of the million thoughts running through my head). I just love the things ... it saddens me when I have to throw out a pair, which I've gotten few of a good many in the past couple weeks. They had gotten too many holes to continue to wear .... not to mention, not warm with the holes!!! Maybe I need to move up in the world and buy them at the department store rather than Target ... maybe they'll last longer? The few department store one's I have, were nice. But they're socks! Geesh!!! So call me weird ... I love the things!!! Really, any kind of socks (toe socks are my fav), but I'm just a funky sock kinda girl!

Okay .... I've got to try and get some sleep!!! The pressure to right about toe socks just over took me and I had to do it! :)

Manic Monday

Yucky rainy, cold Monday .....

Bart canceled my counseling appointment I had today, because I'm just not comfortable with it. Not to mention I could NOT sleep last night ... I went to bed between 6 and 6:30 AM!!!! And today I just feel ick! I'm EXTREMELY anxious and depressed (I know the weather doesn't help with the depression) ... I just feel like crawling back into bed and going back to sleep, but I'm not letting myself.

I hate this ...

What got into me?

Started the day off with a phone call from my niece around one. She told me to get my butt out of bed because she was on her way over. (She had been shopping with her boyfriend and was near my house) So I get up ... decide to actually get dressed because every time Rodney has been over I've been in my jammies (what can I say, I live in them). They got here while I was "fixing" my hair .... and Kaylie was in my bedroom showing me her new clothes, which she changed into. They stayed for awhile, turned down going out to lunch (although, I think Rodney wanted to) ... Kaylie just wanted a milkshake.
After they left we went to lunch (Chinese) and then to JoAnn's. I didn't get my fill yesterday because it was too busy and I couldn't take the crowd. While I was shopping, Bart went and got his oil changed, tires rotated, and went and returned something at the grease store. I spent WAY too much, and I'm not sure how! And I'm made because I had some things to return there, but don't have the receipt .... now they're on clearance :( Of course I keep forgetting to take them when I go.
When then went across the street to the 7-11 because I wanted a Slurpee ... and guess what? Yup, they had it ... I got my Frog Slurpee ...... SOOOOOO happy!!!!! Now I know which one to go to! Man was it good too!
We came home ... and for whatever reason I got on a cleaning kick. It started with Bart gathering trash and I was going through old catalogs, etc. Then it was down to my scrapbook room to clean. I don't get in these moods often, so you have to take advantage of them when I do!!!! Bart was the trash and put away guy. I have rules, I'm extremely picky and don't like things being touched when the place is a mess ... because I have organized clutter, and touching it messes it up. And trust me, you touch the wrong thing in there and it can cause a HUGE mess of things falling! (yup it was that bad ... like a tornado went through bad) So three HUGE trash bags later I had cleaned half of the room. I can actually see the carpet AND my computer desk!! The other 3 tables are getting there. Unfortunately I ran out of steam, and my helper stopped helping .... so around 1 AM we stopped. Hopefully tomorrow I can finish it this week!
While we were cleaning I got two calls (unanswered) ... one from Shanna who was at work, and one from Andrea who was on her way home from work. I called Shanna back a little while ago ... it was nice to talk to her, and hear that I am missed and thought of at work. Her message said that she thinks about me daily and misses me, and that Christi does too ... then you hear me too in the background, and Shanna says Kimmie too. First time I've heard from them since I've been out, so it meant a lot. I kinda felt deserted.
Tomorrow I go to my stupid new counselor at 1 .... DO NO WANNA!!!!! Bart's making me go at least once. UGH! I don't like the idea of it. But once ... I'll do once.

Anxiety today ... yup, but good thing ... I don't think I cried any, so that's a plus. Now it's WAY past our bedtime ....... night

Diggin' up bones ....

After getting nowhere with my mom's resources I went to the expert ... Charlee, a friend from the Jungle. I needed to know the spelling of my Grandmother's middle name. My mom had contacted her cousin who has been researching the family tree, but she wasn't sure on the spelling.

Well let me tell you, Charlee is AMAZING! Within minutes (literally) I had my answer ... and that's not all. She was tracing my ancestors and giving me info I didn't know. Jeepers ... she is truly amazing!!! I was so intrigued in the info I was getting from her ... copies of census's from my Great Grandparents ... amazing!!!

So now I'm all intrigued .... diggin' up bones is fun (especially when I didn't have to do the work) :)

Another day, another 24 hours

Got up WAY too early, went to bed way too late .....
of course we (Bart, Socrates, Athena, and myself) took a nap in the bed for a few hours. Talk about a full bed!! Felt good .... but woke up anxious and depressed. Just as I had been all day!!!

Let's see ... we went out to breakfast, went to the bank, went to the car dealership to pick up a light Bart had ordered. Bart dropped me off at JoAnn's Fabrics and I think the whole flippin' town was there!! Good sale, but couldn't deal with everyone ... so got out as quickly as I could. I need to find my ad to see what all they have on sale and when it ends. Hopefully it's still going on tomorrow and there will be less people. We also went to Target, but didn't stay there long either. Next stop, Borders ... we both got a magazine and on our way home we went. (side note ... looked at some tattoo mags and now I want one on my foot and the small of my back)

Once we got home ... not much time passed and we were in bed sleeping. We were going to go to the evening service at the church, but slept through that. Not to mention, I was/am in no shape to go to a new church. So I take my meds and I'm STILL waiting for them to kick in!! I've been waiting all day ... I don't think they're going to!

On a good note ... thanks to Charlee, I found out the correct spelling of my Grandmother's middle name. A HUGE thing for me! She also found TONS more info which was WAY interesting!! MEGA thanks Char!!! :)

Bart and I talked tonight about some things that have been on my mind .... I think it went well, I feel better ... but does he?

Of course Shyam didn't call me like he said he would ... no big shock, but still. I just hope he's okay!

So here I am .. half asleep watching some movie on TV ... looks like a good movie .. so far it has been, but it has commercials! UGH So maybe I'll just rent it and go to bed?

The worst night

I would have to say that last night was the worst night I've had in a LONG time!!!! I didn't get to sleep until after 2AM and awake at 6AM!!!! I had panic attacks and cried myself to sleep!!!! I was miserable to say the least!!!! A new day, and hopefully a better one!!!!

Shyam's in California

Of course does he call me when he gets there? No, he's too busy enjoying himself ... but he deserves it.

Nice hotel, hot women (so I was told), and the place he needs to be to work is RIGHT across the street!! So pretty good deal!!!

So for those of you wondering how he is .... there you go! :)

Not a happy camper at ALL!

I just got a call from my doctors office (I go to the same office for my psychiatrist as well as Counselor). Okay, first I have to change psychiatrists because of the schedule of my last one ... given I needed to change, but still. Now I get a call the my insurance no longer takes my counselor, so they have spoken with my shrink and he suggested someone and they have scheduled me with them. I DO NOT WANT TO SWITCH, I don't even want to go in the first place! Yes, I understand I need to go, but I don't want to ... especially now!! I was comfortable and liked who I was seeing before.

I HATE THIS .... why does it all happen NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anxious afternoon

Not sure what's up, yesterday wasn't too bad ... last night wasn't too good, but today is a WHOLE other story!!!! I'm extremely anxious today, no clue why. The only thing I can figure out is because Shyam is traveling today and I hate planes and always worry when loved one's fly. I did talk to him and he made it safe and sound to his first destination ... for those wondering.
Maybe because it's Friday ... which is dumb because that's a good thing, Bart's off the next two days! So that shouldn't cause anxiety.
Maybe it's because he mentioned going to see Harry Potter this weekend, since it JUST came out. Not something I can deal with now ... a crowded theater!!!! Makes me anxious just thinking about it!

Who knows ... but hopefully it passes, because I'm SICK of it!!! I don't want to go to the doctor next week and tell him I'm still feeling anxious and have him increase my Klonopin AGAIN! I'm already tired from the increase this week!!!

Just another day

Got out of bed around 2ish I think ... I wasn't asleep the whole time, but in bed .... probably asleep most of the time though! I think the increase on my meds is making me tired. But I'll adjust.
Got dressed, double checked my counseling appointment time and FREAKED OUT! It said 2:00! Well, it's almost 3 now because I thought my appointment was at 3:30, so instantly I called the office to one ... apologize for missing my appointment (that I didn't want to go to anyway), and two reschedule for a different time. (Before you call someplace freaking out because you missed an appointment, make sure you read everything carefully!) You guessed it ... I hadn't missed it ... it's not until the 21st! So nothing lost there ... except feeling like a total moron!
So I called Bart to let him know ... then called Shyam. He's all excited to be leaving to California tomorrow for his new job!!! Staying only blocks from the beach .... and I'm EXTREMELY jealous!!!!
After talking to him, I checked outside because I had remembered Socrates barking earlier while I was in bed. Not one, but two packages for me!! Cool beans jelly bean!!! Both from Jungle girls ... they're the sweetest! First one from JoAnn ... she sent me some scrapbook paper about adoption. She said she saw it and couldn't pass it up! Very nice of her considering it cost her more to ship it than I'm sure she paid for it! The next package ... Tonya! Jeepers! At the Jungle we're doing a swap called Queen for a day (or a week, something like that) ... and I'm Queen. I've gotten so many nice things, but Tonya has taken the cake!!! She sent me this ADORABLE diaper bag made by Kalencom from there Silver Spoon Collection. It's pink with poodle's, with a pink and black boarder on the bottom. Of course it has a pink changing mat, a bottle holder, and another holder that was jammed packed of GREAT stuff!!! It also has inside capartments and some outside pockets! VERY thoughtful of her. Then on the inside, toe socks ... I'm running low even! Man I love those things! Some adorable fabric with shoes, a shoe bookmark, some lady bug stamps, Chinese charms, Karen Foster loopy brads, and some I Kandee. I think I'm forgetting somethings because geesh! So even though I haven't been to the mail box ... AWESOME mail day!
I called work back from yesterday ... so did not want to! HUGE panic attack before that phone call! First I called the boss lady ... got her voicemail of course! When I don't want to get it, I get it!!!! Explained to her what's going on, and that I'm not going to be able to work the rest of this schedule as I had hoped. (two more weeks in it) Then I explained the med change, I've been living in hell ... blah blah blah. I told her that I'd like to go PRN and work as they needed me and fill in the holes, call outs, etc starting next month. Then I called my supervisor, the female one, the one I like! She does the scheduling. Left a message for her ... which she called me back in like 5 minutes. Explained the situation to her, and started crying like a complete idiot! She told me that she couldn't make any decisions on my status (as in part time to PRN) but told me she didn't have me scheduled for a lot, just 4 hour shifts .... two or three a week. So after talking to her, I told her I'd do it. It's more than I'd like to work ... but I'll just have to do it. So I'll be doing 3pm - 7 pm and 7pm - 11 pm shifts. What's 4 hours, right?
Now I'm just sitting here waiting for Bart to get home ... hopefully we'll have a better night tonight than we did last night. God love him, he tried to cheer me up at first ... but it just wasn't happening and was just annoying. I worry about us sometimes!

So that's that ... for now

Shrink Appointment

First ... icky day ... rainy and dark. To add to it, I woke up in a bad mood ... depressed and anxious. Had a bad night the night before, so I'm sure that added to it.

Cried all morning and slept on and off ...
Talked to Shyam, he had a something something interview, and was SUPPOSE to call me when it was over, but I haven't heard ANYTHING so he's in SOOOO much trouble it's not funny!!!! But anyway!

Onto my appointment ... I thought I was doing good ... I didn't cry on the way there, didn't in the waiting room (luckily I didn't have to wait long), but as SOON as I get into his office and sit down ... watch out!!! He asked how I was doing, and out come the tears ... and not just the little tears either ... I'm sitting there like an idiot crying and apologizing for it!!! (Like he's not use to it) Told him how things were going so he increased my Klonopin AGAIN! I went from 4 to 6 mg, since the 4 isn't touching my anxiety! I told him about my bad depression, so hopefully the meds will do the thing ONCE they start working. 3-5 more weeks to see if they work!! UGH!!!!

So, I see him again next week ......

Tomorrow counseling ..... SO DO NOT WANT TO GO!

Not to shabby day

I had a doctor apointment with my family doctor this morning. Late this morning. Apointment went well ... but the wait ... GEESH!!! I didn't get home until after noon!!!

Talked to my family doctor about everything going on ... the changes in my meds, and the ideas my new Psychitrist has to treat my PMDD. She had never heard of the "water logged brain", but said she'd perscribe a diuretic in hopes that it helps. Of course my period ended yesterday (yes I know you ALL wanted to know that), so next month we'll see. I got my referrals I needed for the cardiologist and neurologist. Got the whole lecture AGAIN about my heart rate and working in the hospital .... yes I know, stupid! Good apointment, she's wonderful about answering all my questions and spending plenty of time with me ... even when she's running behind! She even told me about one of there offices that does travel apointments, they give you EVERYTHING you need for your travels, electrolights, what to eat, not to eat, what to drink, not to drink, what to wear, not to wear ... everything. So that's cool ..... we'll be calling them.

Got home, talked to Shyam who was in a BAD mood ... so I decided to go keep him company. Off I go ... dead cell phone and my phone charger is broken!!! No problem, I can get there ... no problem!!! RIGHT!!!! It's ALWAYS when you need a phone, you don't have one. So yes, I get lost ... got off at the wrong exit ... drove around for over 30 minutes, didn't even have change for a pay phone!!! Somehow I made it ... no clue how!

Had a nice visit ... got the whole instant gradification lecture AGAIN about my meds!!!! Can I help it if they don't work fast enough? Played with Fiesty (the kitten) and named one of his fish (Elmo), thinking of names for the others. The good thing was ... he was on the phone when I got there with a potential job. Sounds like a good one too, he's just waiting for them to call him back now. So very cool!

Watched Bones ... LOVE that show!! How cool of a job would that be? Finished the other side of my layout about Athena, which is in the gallery at the Jungle. Turned out pretty good I guess.

Not too bad of a day ... if only my anxiety would go away! And let me tell you ... being lost was NOT good for the anxiety! You should have seen how bad I was shaking when I FINALLY got there!!! Geesh!

Getting catalogs in the mail ... LOVE IT

I LOVE getting the mail and getting catalogs ... but the bad thing is, it's dangerous!!! J Jill, geesh ... I SOOOO need SOOOOO much in there!

Anyone need a Christmas idea? :)

Sunday ....

Nope, didn't go to church .... yup, feeling guilty! There's always next week, right? I was up most of the night so I didn't get much sleep ... so getting up early to go to a church I had never been wasn't exactly what I wanted to do.

Nothing big and exciting went on today ... just a lazy Sunday!

Day six ... New meds

Let's just keep it short and sweet .... I was up most of the night having panic attacks! How do you think they're working?

National Pick On Abby Day

I swear somewhere this was announced!!! Perfect strangers were picking on me! What's up with that?

First Home Depot ... we had to go in to sign and pay for our new carpet. Okay, so we've dealt with the guy a few times ... but still. Some people walk by looking for a mirror and they point them in the right direction, then he quietly says ... they really need one! Okay ... funny! Then I look at Bart and said, I wonder what he says about us ... or something like that. Then he looked at Bart and said, well you really could trim that beard! THANK YOU! I've been telling him that for WEEKS!!! We both crack up. I on the other hand ... good hair day! He looks at me .. and I say, don't you even say anything about my hair! Then he said, Oh you're going for the I just got frightened look!!! Then Bart has to interject that I just had it done this week. To which Mr. I am the hair God said, you mean you paid for that? I said ... yup, 50 bucks and I want pink highlights too! He about died! So we then sign everything and proceed to the front of the store to pay. We get up there and he tells this rather cute (yet young) guy that I want to get pink highlights!!!! (The cutie said I could pull it off) Then he proceeds to go on about my hair. So by this time I had bitten my lip long enough, and said to the 4 people behind the counter ... Notice I haven't mentioned anything about HIS hair (and then do a comb over motion and mouth COMB OVER). They ALL die laughing ... Bart of course said, don't piss him off our carpets not installed yet ... I said but the papers are printed. :)
Enough play by play ... sorry, I tend to do that! And mind you ... it was all fun and games, only this man could get away with all he was saying.
So that was pick on Abby thing one. Onto thing two .... still Home Depot ...
After the whole comb over thing, someone said something about West Virginia .... you don't say bad things or make fun of WV around me. I was born and raised in WV and proud of it!!!! So I hear something said in a not nice way, and perk up and say, Excuse me ... I'm from WV and proud of it!!!
So there was pick on Abby thing two .... let's get out of Home Depot!
On to 7-11 to get a slurpee (STILL NO FROG, yet the have the Frog cups! SHYAM'S FAULT). We're checking out and the dude behind the counter makes a comment on my glasses ... how they're white on the inside and black on the outside. He compared them to the big psychedelic one's from the 60's that were orange or something. Of course then he said, don't get me wrong, I like them .....
Okay ... that was thing three!!!

What was up?

Day five - new meds/ Saturday happenings

Day five ... finally day five!!! Klonopin takes up to 5 days to start feeling an effect. Well, today was day 5 of my increase, and I was hoping to not feel as anxious ... but it didn't happen. :(

It was an enjoyable Saturday though. Bart preyed me out of bed around 11, I showered, got dressed, and we were off. We had lunch at Jerry's Subs and Pizza, went to Home Depot and paid for our new carpet which is now ordered and will arrive in about 5 days (I think it was), then they'll call to set up a time to come and install it!! It will be SO nice to have new carpet! At Home Depot we also bought the Bissell Green Machine so we can keep our new carpet looking new. I know it will come in handy once the baby arrives! We tried it out on some nasty spots when we got home and it is NICE! You can't even tell the spot was there ... and it was a VERY noticeable spot of YUCK!
Let's see ... then we drove downtown to look at a church (as in drive by and look at it as we drove by), we're going to go to the service in the morning and see how we like it. I want to find a church and start going so when we get the baby we can bring her up in that environment. That's something that's important to me. So we'll see.
We then drove to the apple orchard ... beautiful day to do so! We had fun ... took pictures as always, but Bart was a party pooper and wouldn't put his face in the wooden tractor thingy. Of course I did! We bought some apples, apple cider, and an apple pie (go figure ... apple stuff). It's a fun place to visit, we go every year. I can't wait to take the baby there next year!!!!
On the way back we stopped at the "Iron Furnace". Something that was during the Revolutionary War (I think). Pretty cool ... spooky, but cool. Again, I took pictures ... I'm such a picture freak! I picked up HUGE leaves and pretended to be the fall fairy ... yup, I'm REAL mature! But had fun, nonetheless ... which is what matters! I think Bart had fun as well.

A pretty full day ... I just wish I was anxiety free!

Day four - new meds

I don't know ... is it getting better? Maybe a little, but I'm just not seeing or feeling it. Still have the anxiety extremely bad!!! Still feeling bad in the late afternoon - early evenings, as if I haven't taken ANY meds all day. So that's not a good thing.

I did manage to do another scrapbook layout today. Not happy with it, but it will do. It's on when we adopted Athena from the Human Society. Again, if you're interested in seeing it ... go to www.scrapbookjungle.com and go to the gallery. I'm AbbyabbyAbby.

Like I said, still extremely anxious and on the depressed side ... but hopefully I'm getting somewhere! I have to be!

Adoption update

Short and sweet ....

Referral - end of the year
Travel - AFTER the Chinese New Year (which this year starts on Feb 9th and is a 13 day celebration)

So even later ....

Day three - new meds

In one word ....

SUCKED

Continuation of day two .....

I finished a scrapbook page I started earlier today. A great thing in itself considering I haven't scraped since the beginning of September which is unlike me. I just haven't felt like it. I feel like any creativity I might have once had just vanished. But anyway ... I did it. If you like to view it go to www.scrapbookjungle.com and go to the gallery, I'm AbbyabbyAbby :)
So I did that, then posted it (of course), and caught up on the message board.
Talked to my niece via IM (note to self ... need to make her a card).
Came upstairs and made (well ... still making, it's in the oven) spinach artichoke dip, without the artichoke because we didn't have one! :) Sat down, got on here and ate my pomegranate which was SO good!!! Man I love those things ... I just wish it wasn't a seasonal fruit! But YUMM!!!! Can't say enough about pomegranates!!!! YUMMMM
Sorry, got off track there .....
Anxiety level is somewhere in the middle of the scale ... where before it was at the top. So I guess that's a good thing, no? I know it takes 5 days to feel the effects of a change in dosage with Klonopin ... so we shall see if this evening thing gets better or not. And I guess once my Effexor (not sure if that's spelled right) is increased that will make a difference too. All I know is I'm tired all the time ... and it's not because I don't do anything. Probably a side effect that will wear off sometime. Who knows.
So pretty much end of day two on the new meds .... if anything dramatic happens, I'll let you know. (not that you care ... but it's for my reference to, so there!)

Day two - new meds

Pretty much like yesterday ... around 6ish (which is when I take 1 mg of Klonopin) I start getting EXTREMELY anxious and VERY antsy!!!! We shall see if it wears off, unlike last night! (that would be the anxiety not the meds) So far, it hasn't .... and the Klonopin should have kicked in by now!!!! So what's up with that?

to be cont ...

So I got in trouble today about the whole Frog Slurpee

Whatever! I don't care what he says ... it IS his fault!!!! (Him being Shyam) I mean why wouldn't it be? Who bought me my first one?

Stupid Frog Slurpee's .... impossible to find!! And it IS all Shyam's fault!!! :)

Day one - new meds

Not too bad.

I went and got my hair cut at 11:20 (30 min. drive) which I ALWAYS enjoy! LOVE LOVE LOVE going there .... it's relaxing. They had an opening for a facial at noon I almost snagged, but figured the $50 I dropped for the cut was enough damage.
I resisted going to the scrapbook store that is near the salon, but thought about it on the drive home, so stopped at the scrapbook store near my house ... walked out only spending 10 bucks, so VERY good!!
Next stop the grocery store ... yuck! I seem to almost ALWAYS have trouble in the grocery store, especially when I don't have a store list (which of course I didn't). Doing well at the beginning, but it was on the busy side (not sure why, a lot of stocking I think) and I started getting very anxious. Then there's the crazy lady crying going back and forth through all the isles looking for bread crumbs without any luck (that would be me). So I called Bart and he said isle 4 ... can you tell who does the shopping? So I made it out of there virtually unharmed, but EXTREMELY anxious!
Come home, put away the groceries and started dinner ... still anxious.
Ate dinner ... still anxious, time for meds ....

Watching TV (Bones, love that show, but sucks because it's on the same time as NCIS so we have to TiVo that) and really started freaking out. I was shaking, crying, another panic attack ...

Bart talks me into taking a warm bath which I did and it helped to an extent. Well, actually I took a shower.

So I guess all in all ... not bad, but not good. The day was fine, the evening and night SUCKED!

Dr. Appointment with my new doc

After spending all my time worrying about this appointment, I made it! Let me just say that I have never met with a doctor that was willing to spend so much time to explain processes, various drugs and how they work as well as side effects. Various ways to treat various problems, etc. He was extremely knowledgeable pharmacologically as well as medically ... and I think this will benefit me in the long run.

Let's see ...
My change in meds:
He didn't like the high dose of Paxill I am (was) on, and decreased that to 60 mg a day.
He didn't feel the Klonopin was doing much for my anxiety, so he increased that somewhat.
He also added another SSRI that works very well with Paxill, Effixor (which he kindly gave me samples of!)
I'll be weaning off my Ambian as it doesn't seem to help, and it's not really for long term use.

We talked about PMDD ... unlike my last Dr., he is very familiar with this disease ... which I was relieved to hear. He said unfortunately there isn't a set thing to do to ease it, you have to try various things out. He mentioned various things I could do (some of which I have). He mentioned going to my family doctor and seeing if she would prescribe a diuretic for me to take the week before and week of my period since I gain 3 to 5 pounds during that time. He said there has been studies that the water weighted gained, water logs the brain. He also suggested taking B6 and motrin during these weeks. Of course the usual ... no caffeine. No biggie. Only bad thing mentioned was NO CHOCOLATE unless it's white chocolate! UGH!! No chocolate during your period ... only a man would say that one!

We talked about my anxiety and anxiety in general. He explained the two types of anxiety, which of course I have BOTH. We talked about how it's treated, etc. And also how it's one of those you have to try and see what works things. (See a pattern here)

We talked about depression. And of course he encouraged me to go back to counseling, that it is a very important part of depression ... sometimes more so than the meds. So I got that appointment set up.

He asked many many questions .... some odd, but he had his reasons.

I told him about having a high pulse at times, and he didn't like the number I told him it got to at all! He wants me to see a cardiologist and have it checked out. He said most likely I will need a Beta Blocker!!!! Never in a million years did I think I'd be seeing a cardiologist at 30!!!!!!!!!
Another thing he wants me to have done is a sleep study .... he thinks I might have something called restless leg syndrome. Never heard of it ... but I shall be researching it, not to worry. He said this would account for my frequent headaches, constantly moving my legs, and shaking and kicking in bed. This could also be the reason I'm always tired, and never feel well rested.

Sooooo, that's that. A bit overwhelming to say the least, but it's over with .....

Next appointment next Wednesday!

Wise words from my mom

Knowing I've had a hard time lately, and knowing I had a dr. apointment today that would be hard for me ... I got an email from her this AM telling me to keep my chin up, and sing this song (like I'm not insane enough ...)

Let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Smilers never lose
And frowners never win
So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Open up your heart and let the sun shine in

Not to worry, I didn't publicly sing it ... but it did run through my head a lot today, and did help! So I urge you all to let the sun shine in! :D

A Virtual Baby Shower

Yup, you read right ... virtual baby shower! Becky put together an online baby shower for me at www.scrapbookjungle.com today. What fun we had. We gathered in the chat room, and had a wonderful time. Becky and Dawn even had games for us to play! :) Trish won for making the most words out of BABY LEWIS ... can you believe she got 50 words? I only got 17! :) Sad, I know!

Shopping is good for the soul

Tonight was a shopping night ... I love shopping, it just makes me feel so good!

First we bought new carpet for the living area and stairs to the upstairs (well, we haven't PAID yet, but have scheduled the measuring. ) ... so new carpet within the next two weeks!!! YEAH!!!

Then a new light fixture (FINALLY) for the entry way! I have hated the wobbly one since we moved in ... it had seen better days. It's now even up and looks so much better, and puts off more light which is even better!

Then to the mall we go ... I got two new pairs of jeans, a new sweater (would have been 2 new one's but they didn't have the other I wanted in my size), 8 bras (yes 8), and an equal amount of panties I believe. And I got one bra free through the punch thingy ... THEN I get two free via mail, and one pair of panties free via mail. Bart got 2 shirts and a couple packs of socks ... I eyed the toe socks, but passed on them ... which was HARD!!! They had the cutest ones with Santa on the big toe, and the others were reindeer! Oh ... I think I got some plain socks as well.

We looked at luggage, but didn't buy anything ... still deciding on that.

Then off to Target .... got the usual there, dog food, toilet paper, and who knows what else made it into that cart.

Then to top off the night ... we went to Crackle Barrel for some dinner (which we both had breakfast). Very yummy.

A nice day ... even if we did nap most of it away!

New Doctor

So I get a phone call from my doctors office about my psychiatrist, she's severely cut her hours, and is only there on Tuesdays. Because of this, it's usually an hour wait to see her, blah blah blah. They said they wanted to call and give me the heads up since it's been over 6 months since I have seen her. They also mentioned a lot of her patients were switching to other doctors within that practice, but that was up to me. I've thought many times about switching, not because I don't like her, but because I'm not happy where I am (medically). So this was my chance ... so I did it. She's unfortunately the only female psychiatrist there, and I prefer female doctors, but trusted the lady on the phone and took her advice as to which one to switch to. (which she's not suppose to give advice ... so I didn't hear anything) So now I have an appointment Monday afternoon.

Of course when I tell Bart he's fine with the switch, agreed that maybe the new Dr. will be able to do something she wasn't, etc. But he was upset with the fact they waited until now to call when we scheduled the appointment last month! I could have gotten in to see this new doctor a lot sooner. But oh well ...

So now comes the anxiety ... freaking out about going now! Before I was fine, a little nervous, but at least I knew my doctor and was comfortable with her .... now I know NOTHING. VERY anxious about the whole thing. I just hope the anxiety doesn't keep me from going!!!!!

Wonderful baby gift

Today that lovely brown truck that we all love to see drove up in front of my house. Of course the dogs (mainly Socrates, Athena could care less) went crazy ... I wasn't expecting anything, so I just thought it was for a neighbor. Nope, then there was that knock ... it was for me!!!! Of course Socrates scared him away, so he stuck it in front of my door and pretty much ran to the truck. I opened the door, and what was there .... the Eddie Bauer high chair that I had asked for on my baby wish list! I looked at the invoice, and it was from my WONDERFUL design team members at www.scrapbookjungle.com!!!!!!! Can you believe it? They're a great group of women, and boy did they make my day!!

I can't wait to get it put together, nor can I wait to see my baby girl sitting in it! :)

It's the little things ....

Doesn't take much to get me excited .... for example, the Stampin' Up! catalog is now ONLINE!!! Can you believe it? Can you control yourself??????? Okay, so I'm a SU junkie .... but this is SO cool and will making begging people for orders so I get freebies :) So check it out ... www.stampinup.com Just let me warn you ... it IS addicting, and I am not responsible for and addiction that may come out of it! :)

Feeling worthless

Not a good day ... it's only tuesday and this week sucks! I have a list of things I want to do, but I just can't bring myself to do them. I just feel blah ... and I can't even blame it on the weather, because it's beautiful out. I keep telling myself ... get dressed, get the dogs, and take them for a walk ... I know that would make me feel better, being out in the fresh air, and sun. But here I sit. Is it my meds, or is it me? I keep wondering if there isn't something wrong with me ... something other than anxiety and depression. Stupid I know ... it's the kind of things I think.

Never in a million years would I have thought adopting would do this to me. All through this process I've been fine ... anxious, wanting it to go quicker ... but all in all, fine. Until now! This waiting, not knowing ANYTHING is just eating me up inside! Since April we've been in the same place .... do nothing but wait. We're going on 8 months of waiting!!! That doesn't count the stuff we did prior to the wait, but atleast then we were doing something. Now I just feel helpless, it's out of my hands. It's all in China ... all our paperwork and pictures are sitting in a room with tons of other paperwork and pictures. But since we're SO close you can almost feel it, I just can't take it!!!!

I've never been a patient person, that's not a virtue I was blessed with. I know parenting takes patients, so in a way this is a good lesson. But enough already ... I'm not going to learn. I've had people tell me before I am patient, I don't agree, and I'm sure those close to me would argue the fact. I remember not too long ago I came out of one of my patients rooms and the nurse said, "you have the patience of a saint". Right! Not me ... I was just doing my job, and going the extra mile and listening to the person which is really what they needed, someone to visit with.

"All good things come to those who wait" ... I'm sick of hearing that one! I've been waiting ... over a year, well over a year! Not to mention all those months we tried to get pregnant. Trust me, I've done more than my share of waiting!!!

Then comes the feeling of, "why me". What did I do that was so bad that everything has to happen to me? The whole "poor Abby" thing ... I hate it. Trust me, I know there are MANY people out there that have a lot more to worry about than me. I've been blessed with a wonderful family, a wonderful husband .... but come on! All I want is a baby ...

So still I sit, now crying, feeling even more worthless than before ...