Feeling worthless

Not a good day ... it's only tuesday and this week sucks! I have a list of things I want to do, but I just can't bring myself to do them. I just feel blah ... and I can't even blame it on the weather, because it's beautiful out. I keep telling myself ... get dressed, get the dogs, and take them for a walk ... I know that would make me feel better, being out in the fresh air, and sun. But here I sit. Is it my meds, or is it me? I keep wondering if there isn't something wrong with me ... something other than anxiety and depression. Stupid I know ... it's the kind of things I think.

Never in a million years would I have thought adopting would do this to me. All through this process I've been fine ... anxious, wanting it to go quicker ... but all in all, fine. Until now! This waiting, not knowing ANYTHING is just eating me up inside! Since April we've been in the same place .... do nothing but wait. We're going on 8 months of waiting!!! That doesn't count the stuff we did prior to the wait, but atleast then we were doing something. Now I just feel helpless, it's out of my hands. It's all in China ... all our paperwork and pictures are sitting in a room with tons of other paperwork and pictures. But since we're SO close you can almost feel it, I just can't take it!!!!

I've never been a patient person, that's not a virtue I was blessed with. I know parenting takes patients, so in a way this is a good lesson. But enough already ... I'm not going to learn. I've had people tell me before I am patient, I don't agree, and I'm sure those close to me would argue the fact. I remember not too long ago I came out of one of my patients rooms and the nurse said, "you have the patience of a saint". Right! Not me ... I was just doing my job, and going the extra mile and listening to the person which is really what they needed, someone to visit with.

"All good things come to those who wait" ... I'm sick of hearing that one! I've been waiting ... over a year, well over a year! Not to mention all those months we tried to get pregnant. Trust me, I've done more than my share of waiting!!!

Then comes the feeling of, "why me". What did I do that was so bad that everything has to happen to me? The whole "poor Abby" thing ... I hate it. Trust me, I know there are MANY people out there that have a lot more to worry about than me. I've been blessed with a wonderful family, a wonderful husband .... but come on! All I want is a baby ...

So still I sit, now crying, feeling even more worthless than before ...