This totally kills me!

Right now, Bart is upstairs in the bedroom talking to Shyam on the telephone. I called Shyam late this evening to update him on the recent events and asked if he could give Bart a call because I knew he'd talk to him and he's not talking to anyone else. So it wasn't 10 minutes and Bart had instant messages and an email saying call me now from Shyam.

I'm very thankful Shyam is loyal and caring enough to call Bart after everything they have been through. It's nice to know that all it takes is a message or phone call and Shyam will be there for him. Don't get me wrong ... I'm extremely grateful that Shyam is there for him, but on the other hand it really hurts me that he's not there for me. Yes he reads my messages, yes he listens to my voice mails ... but he doesn't return anything.

I don't understand it ... I was the one who stood by him, not Bart.

Another mystery of the universe I guess!

Happy Birthday Shyam!!

Today is Shyam's birthday. I sent him a message on myspace, as well as left a message on his phone. It really hurts me that he still doesn't talk to me ... but there's nothing I can do but to keep on trying. He's someone that was a very big part of my life and I will never forget!

I hope he is having a wonderful day!!! If you happen to read this Shyam ... Happy birthday, I love you!

life goes on ...

Isn't it funny how places, sounds, and things remind you of people? I guess it's not really "funny", it makes sense why ... but it makes life hard sometimes.

Since Shyam still isn't speaking to me, certain places are hard for me to go to. The first time I went to the Germantown Target was hard because I could remember being there with him ... looking at Halloween stuff. It was a day I was feeling extra down and he met me for lunch and then we went to Target and PetSmart, etc. This day meant a lot to me because he had planned to surprise his mom at work with lunch, and didn't because of me. Driving by that shopping center is even hard ... I always hold back tears!

Being in that area is hard, but life must go on ... I can't keep dwelling on old memories and why Shyam is choosing to keep me out of his life right now. (Easier said than done, but I'm trying.) I just hope someday (soon would be nice) I hear from him, but in the meantime .... life goes on.

Gotta Love Shyam!

This morning at 10AM this morning he was released on probation. He luckily didn't have to serve his 30 days. He called me around 11.30ish from home! He said it felt good to get home, take a shower, and shave! He had lovely things to say about the whole experience, especially about his cell mate! It's nothing he wants to do again! His exact words, "Dude, I'm never getting high again!". He's been clean 3 months, so he's off to a great start!
Unfortunately I didn't get to talk to him long as there were TONS of family there to see him. Tonight he went to an NA meeting with his sponsor (is that the right word), and then he was dropping him back off at the rehab facility where he was prior to his jail time.
I would have loved to be able to see him, but knew that wasn't going to happen because he was so busy today with getting his probation papers, etc. But talking to him was great! Seemed kind of weird, not like it use to be ... but maybe that was just me being paranoid.
Soon he'll have cell phone privledges and be aloud to come home on weekends (starting a few hours at a time). So it won't be long until I get to see him, as long as all goes well.
I surprisingly held myself together while talking to him, didn't cry at all. But as soon as we hung up ... the tears came. Why, I don't know .... I think it was relief, knowing he was safe and doing great.