Typical Wed

Therapy ....

This session seemed to go on forever!!! I hate those!!! I don't like those, and I don't like the one's that go too fast .... go figure! Today we talked about me blaming myself for everything that's not my fault. She had me think back to when that started, and was very impressed I not only could think of a time frame, but month and year. (June 1994 ... the beginning of the end) :) What can I say, I'm good!!! So of course we had to talk about all that crap ... my belief system, where people go when they die, etc. I hate talking about that kind of stuff ... especially since I'm trying to figure it out still. Which is sad ... 31 years old and trying to figure out what my religious beliefs are! Yes I was brought up Baptist, but too many things in my life have happened to contradict what I was taught. Faith is a big thing ... believing in something that's not there. It's something I struggle with daily. I have faith ... but what kind is the question.


After counseling I did my usual post counseling counseling ... shopping. Usless really. I wasn't in the mood, and just wondered around a few stores and left. My mind was elsewhere and I just wanted to crawl into a hole and cry. So I came home.

Of course Bart's in the infamous meeting .... it's a daily thing, I swear! So I can't talk to him .... so I sit here in front of my computer just staring and thinking. Thoughts rushing through my head ... I look around and there are pictures everywhere ... some I don't want to see, most I don't want to see. So the thoughts keep rushing ... but not leaving as I keep willing them to. It's exhausting! Of course the usual comes out of it ... anger. I get mad at myself because I can't control my own thinking, angry at the people in my head (not schizophrenic people, real people, the one's I think of). Of course I become anxious ... who wouldn't? So I attempt to calm myself down ... I end up going upstairs. Socrates lays down and falls asleep on the couch, I sit in the chair ... and end up going over to him and lay down beside him. It's funny how he doesn't mind, he puts his arm (leg whatever) on my and his head on my shoulder and falls back asleep after on lick on the cheeck. Eventually, I cry myself asleep.

It's my life ... I try daily to improve upon it, but can't. There's always a blockade in the way, and it's not moving, and no matter what I do, I can't get it to move. So I have to learn to live behind it, which isn't where I want to be.