Day 17

Today is day 17 of Shyam's jail stay. I haven't seen him since December 11th when we all went out to eat ... the night that started the whole stupid jail thing. I haven't talked to him since a day or so after that (besides the short time online). Can I just tell you how much this kills me?
So, he will most likely get out in about a week for good behavior .... and go back into rehab. No clue how that works, if he goes back from where he left (as far as privlidges) or what. I feel so bad for just thinking of myself ... not thinking what's best for him. But I'd give anything to spend the day with him, I miss him. Then I wonder if things will even be the same. He's had a lot of time to think about everything, a lot of counseling ... what if he's being told he shouldn't have anything to do with me? Then what?

For example, my therapist (who I might ad does NOT understand my relationship with Shyam ... and I think it's because he's not a chick) says that who I knew wasn't really him because he was using. The person who knew me so well, could read my mind, finish my sentences wasn't really Shyam. Honestly ... I don't believe a word of it, and it really made me mad she even said that. Because he wasn't always using, I know the "real" Shyam, I always have. I hate how people judge others on things that have happened in the past ... yes a drug addict is a drug addict. It never changes, he will always be an addict. It's in his blood, he has the gene .... but he also has willpower ... he can chose to use or not to use. And right now, he's making the right decision!!

I guess I'm just rambling .... I just feel like I have nobody now. He was the one the truly understood me ... I can talk until I'm blue in the face trying to explain things to Bart, but he doesn't get it. He will pretend he does, but he doesn't. I have other friends, which is honestly something new for me. 12 or so years ago I pushed anyone that was close to me or could be close to me away. I isolated myself from pretty much everything but my music and my art. Meeting people was never easy after that ... nor did I really want to. It wasn't until after I became friends with Shyam I was able to. I'm sure it doesn't really make sense ... but do I ever? I'm not one to share my feelings with others (yes, I realize I'm sharing with the whole freaking internet), I'm a private person. I'm not the type of person to have a problem and pick up the phone and call a friend (besides Shyam). I'll keep it inside and deal with it ... or just let everything pile up. Who knows ....

Not real sure where I'm going with all this .... just rambling away.