Baby nursery fun ..

My parents came down (or is it over?) to watch my neice and nephew while my sister and her husband had a nice weekend at the beach. Of course they had to come over here first (I'm the favorite)! :) We worked in the nursery and it is looking SOOOOO adorable!!! The furniture is now all painted and put together (thanks Dad) and the walls have the flowers painted (thanks Mom) and it's all coming together great. Now if we just had the baby to put in it! :)

Baby shower = Registering

First let me explain the difference between adoption and being pregnant.

There's the obvious, being pregnant people can noticeable see you are having a baby. You know the due date (even though things can happen, etc). You're always aware you're having a baby.

With adoption, if you don't tell people, they don't know. You have an IDEA of when you will get your baby but it's dependent on a lot of factors. You don't know the age, or size ... and most of all; no drugs are given! :)

During the adoption process you go through many feelings ... you get excited, then that wears off and then you're excited again, etc, etc. You go through feeling, "I'm having a baby" to .... it doesn't seem real. Because of this, everything (for me anyway) has been done in cycles ... the nursery was started when I was excited and it felt real ..... once the excitement wore off, I stopped working on that. Get the picture?

So when the question of baby showers and where are you registering comes up, I'm just dumbfounded!!!!! Now that we got the word that we could have our referral in a few weeks, I have to stop dragging my feet and get busy!!!

Last night Bart and I went to do some final deciding on some of the larger items that we'll register for (car seats, highchair, and pack n' play). We had already decided upon a stroller during the last bout of excitement. So now to just register ..... one good thing is, it can be done online! :)

Hair cut

What is it about getting your hair cut? I love going to get my hair cut! Maybe it's because the salon I go to treats you like royalty. Just getting your hair washed is a mega thing in itself!!! They massage your head, your neck, your temples, and sometimes even your shoulders (depending on who you get). Then you get this glorious hand treatment while they condition and massage your hair. They put this lovely cream on your hands and massage it in, and massage each individual finger. HEAVEN!!! Then it's off to get your hair cut. I love the feel of getting my hair razored ... the sound, the feel ... there's just something about it. And Loree who cuts my hair, ROCKS!!! She's the best, I'd suggest anyone go to her. She's so cute and funny ... and we have a lot in common.

The whole experience is just relaxing ... and of course you always walk out of there looking like a million bucks!

Caramel Apple Dip

CARAMEL APPLE DIP

1 lb. caramel

1 stick butter

1 can Eagle Brand milk

1 tsp. vanilla

Melt caramel and butter together. Remove from heat. Add remaining ingredients. Whip vigorously with fork.

Baby news ... FINALLY

Finally some baby news .... our referral should be coming from China at the END of October (yup, October). Sooooooooo good to hear something!!! It's been so hard waiting and hearing NOTHING ... adoptions aren't easy!!! But when you hear something, you shout it from the rooftop!!! :)

BAD dog!!!!

Maybe I spoke too soon!!! After taking my shower, I put on my PJ's and both dogs were in the bed. So stupidly I laid down to cuddle and play. You guessed it ... fell asleep!!! Normally, not a problem, but I had the bedroom door open which means free run of the house!!!!! (Totally my fault) So I wake up to them wanting out ... looked at the clock and about died! Went downstairs to find HALF of my car key (I have a Saab, so they have the funky memory chip key, not normal looking), and part of a remote. Yup, the top of the remote GONE ... I'm talking plastic and metal! Remote buttons where everywhere! I find the important part of my key and it's chewed up!!! I lose it, put Athena in her kennel and make Socrates lay down ... I go upstairs to cry!!!!!!!

BAD BAD BAD .......

Good dog

I was SO afraid of what I might come home to this morning. Socrates has been left alone (not sure if he's been left out) while I work, but Athena hasn't. I felt so bad leaving them ... but what choice did I have?

So I kennel Athena up, and leave some lights on and off to work I went (around 6:30ish PM). I got home a little before 8 to a sleepy dog greating me at the door (he must have slept on the couch), and a stretching Athena in her kennel. And the house .... just as I left it.

Man were they ever happy to get out though! :)

Poem ....

Life's journey is always easier when you hear a friends footsteps beside you.
~unknown

Just once ...

Just once I'd like Bart to be able to go out of town without worrying about me!!! I'm a wreck when I'm alone!! I hate being alone, I always have! Yes I have two dogs, and they help tremendously ... but I need a person, a voice.

He's on his stupid annual fishing trip with the guys ... and I so don't understand why they call it a FISHING trip when there isn't any fishing!

So here I am, crying all evening because I'm alone ... and having a bad time with my anxiety isn't helping any! It helped that I spent most of the day with Shyam. He put the lights in on my car, he took care of some personal business on the phone and computer while I just chilled on the couch and drooled over the J Jill catalog I had gotten in the mail. We talked, and went to PetSmart to look around and get out. (Which by the way I fell in love with the cutest tree frog at PetSmart .. thanks a lot!) But even though most of the time I wasn't even talking to him ... just being there with him, with a person was nice. I'm such a freak!

So now it's after midnight and I'm still up crying, shaking, all tachicardic, just feeling stupid! I don't want to go to bed, I can't do anything because I can't focus enough ... so I just sit with the dogs and cry. (Which they are currently asleep side by side on the couch and look SOO cute). In an hour or so I'll give in and go to bed where I will cry myself to sleep like an idiot.

Luckily I work tomorrow (well, I guess that would be today) night so I won't have to go through all this as much. But then there's Sunday. Yes, one would think I would come home and sleep ... but we all know that won't happen. So I'm sure Sunday will be spent much like tonight has been ... until Bart gets home around 7.

Can you say loser?

Washington, DC

How sad is it that I live so close to DC, yet never go? I love DC ... walking around looking at all the monuments, people, and of course the Smithsonian Art museum. My favorite thing is DC at night ... I've only been there twice at night. Once shortly after my sister and her husband moved out here. We (my parents and I) came up to visit and we all went in to see all the Christmas trees. The other time was in high school when my humanities class came to DC, we went to see the monuments at night ... of course it was by bus ... we didn't get out. I'd love to someday walk around and visit them at night. To me, that's when they're most beautiful ... when you can really enjoy them as art forms.

Of course this will probably never happen, because I'm married to someone who is from this area ... DC isn't anything special to him because he could always go whenever he wanted, unlike me. He's not a fan of DC, and definitely wouldn't go at night. So, I'll have to just enjoy it at night in my memories!

Finally ... white lights

My car has the lights on the side that blink with the blinker, etc. Anyway ... today (thanks to Shyam) they are no longer that yucky amber, they're white!!! Looks very good .... but now I want to change other stuff ... and yes Shyam it's ALL you're fault! :)

Last night SUCKED

Had a not bad day ... got home from work, chilled all day because I didn't want to sleep because I didn't want to waste my day. Crashed around 4 and slept until Bart woke me around 6:30 -7ish. He made dinner we ate .... watched some TV, and talked. Then all of a sudden I started getting all anxious, and it just kept getting worse and worse until I was totally freaking out. He brought me a pill and said he was going to clean up the dishes in the kitchen then go downstairs. He seemed mad at me ... which made it all the worse.

Soon after he got into the kitchen, I signed onto my instant messenger and talked to Shyam. I knew better ... I shouldn't have told him what was going on because I knew it would worry him. But I tend to talk before I think, and trust me ... it gets me in trouble a lot!!! Since I refused to call him like he insisted, he ended up calling here. Bart seemed upset, went downstairs and that was that. I talked to Shyam which really helped (thanks for calling) and then went outside. Being outside at night is very peaceful to me ... where I live you can't hear any traffic, so you just hear nature ... okay, the occasional car coming home, I do live in a townhouse. I love looking up at the stars and moon, feeling the wind and just relaxing ... well, try to!

When I came in I went downstairs for a few minutes then let the dogs out ... Athena would NOT come in and I couldn't handle it and just shut the door and went to bed. I told Bart to get her in that I was going to bed.

He shortly came up with laundry to fold (he was leaving the next day for the weekend). He ended up holding me and I took a crazy pill (aka Ativan) and we talked. I found out he wasn't upset with me when he told me he was cleaning up and going downstairs ... he was just frustrated because he hates seeing me like that and not being able to help. I also found out he wasn't mad that Shyam called, he just wondered who it was and how he knew what was going on with me (which I told him). So it was a good talk ... I got calmed down (thanks to the drugs and the cuddles) and fell asleep and didn't move until Socrates woke me up this morning to go out.

Anxiety really bites!!!!

Is that a sign for another cup of tea?

So I visit my blog to click on my Google adds (at the bottom of the page) ... I'm not going to lie, why wouldn't I daily click them? :)

Anyway, they've been for tea lately which is SO dangerous becuase I could go broke at those websites with all the yummy loose tea's. But now I come and I click and what comes up ... the brand of tea I have! Odd is it not? I don't think I mentioned the brand in any of my blogs about tea ... I'll have to read back. But I do believe it's a sign to go fix a cup of tea and enjoy! :)

I wasn't going to go there ... BUT

Okay, it's me ... how can I not harp in on the whole feeding tube no feeding tube hoopla? Of course I'm doing it after it's all died down ... but still.

You're probably wondering why the heck I'm bringing it up now instead of while it was all over the news, etc ... so let me tell you. (See, I'm nice)

As you know; or maybe you don't, I work in a hospital. I see people on ventilators everytime I work. I've been to chronic facilities and have seen the chronic vent patients ... not a great thing to experience. Anyway ... for the past few weeks we've had a guy in the hospital that's not vent dependent, but is trached, from a nursing home. Young twenties guy, paraplegic, partially brain dead .... doesn't respond, etc. (Car accident) VERY sad ... depressing to go into his room to give treatments and suction ... breaks my heart. Why is he in the hospital ... his feeding tube came out in the nursing home, and they brought him to the ER because they couldn't get it back in. Personally ... I think they should have just left it out and let the poor guy go.

I think people that aren't around these types of situations and see how these people "live" don't realize what it's all about. Yes there are many situations where you can need the extra support of a ventilator for short term, and come off and lead a "normal" (I put normal in quotes because of the whole is there a such thing as a NORMAL life?) life. Then there's situations where you're vent dependent ... you will NEVER come off this machine because you need it to breathe for you. Is that living? Your family visits and gets to talk to you ... see you ... they don't have to deal with the whole aspect of your death, because you're still there. But when a person is brain dead, on a vent, I'm sorry, but they're dead. They aren't living any kind of life ... would you want to live your last days,months, years in a bed with bed sores with a machine breathing for you, a tube in you so you can have nourishment, IV's for fluids, etc ..... is that what YOU would want? Is that how you want your family to see you? You're dead, not clinically ... but you're dead.

I don't know ... I think most of the ventilation thing for a lot of people is just lack of knowledge. If I weren't in the medical field, would I feel so strongly about this? Probably not ... but I am ... and everyone knows that IF God forbid I'm ever in the situation where I need to be intubated and it is a long term, chronic condition .... yank that tube and turn the vent off and let me die. Don't let me lay there and suffer ... don't let my family come in and see me like that and have them remember me that way! I don't have DNR/DNI papers now because I just don't want to do that at my age ... but when I get older, you better believe I'll have those drawn up and copies of it everywhere so there's no doubt of my wishes! Let me die in dignity.

Having two dogs and working nights

When we got Athena, I never thought about the fact that she's a puppy and I work nights. Never crossed my mind ... it might have, but it wasn't something I thought about because she was 7 months old. So, Socrates is 3 ... pretty much not a puppy, even though he LOVES to play and run.
So there I am, in bed TRYING to sleep ... one dog runs over me, followed by the next. Chasing each other around the bedroom ... playing tug of war with a wash cloth they pulled out of the bathroom. Not working .... so what does this bad dog owner do?



Drug 'em! Yup, I did it ... Benadryl baby!!! Two for Socrates (which he needs anyway due to his allergies, and it's even from the vets office) and one for Athena. So am I THAT bad? I did get some sleep ... as did they ... so all in all, I think it was a good thing to do ..... right ..... back me up here! :)

Bedtime ....

So all my life I had it all pictured how bedtime would be when I was married. We'd brush our teeth together (not sure why, but that seemed important), go to bed and talk about our day, etc. Boy was I wrong!!!!!!!!!!! Here I sit on my laptop, blogging .... Bart is watching TV (which is too loud) and folding laundry. I'll finish here, and lay down and he'll probably finish watching TV or whatever. Or he'll get the idea I HATE the TV on when we're going to bed (why I did NOT want the TV in the bedroom) and turn it off. When that happens, I talk .... just to get ignored or told to be quiet and go to sleep. Not what I had pictured.


I can remember staying at my Grandparents growing up, and even when they were sick with Alzheimer's they'd still lay in bed and talk. My Grandfather was hard of hearing, so they were easily heard a few bedrooms down. I remember many times commenting on it, or my Mom commenting on how cute it was that they still did that. I guess that's where I got it in my head that's what married people did .... but maybe it was just them?

It's the little things in life ....

Today I trudged to Gaithersburg to the Rubber Chicken, a stamping store that I LOVE! It's such an inspiring place to just look around at all the beautiful creations. Of course, never have I left empty handed!

As I walked in the door, there it was ... sitting propped up against a shelf of new stamps and such. The sun was shining down from the heavens upon it, begging me to pick it up. Who am I to go against a light shining from heaven?? So I picked it up, and well ... that's it!!! A 70 piece letter stamp kit with upper AND lower letters as well as punctuation!!! Made by Magnetic Poetry, something I've always loved in itself ... but this that I held in my hand ... it was much more than poetry!!! Oh yes, it was foam stamps mounted on plastic with a "handle" of sorts even!!! Lately foam stamps have been my weakness ... what's not to love about them?

So you guessed it, I bought it ... what kind of person would I be not to? I mean it's 70 pieces!!!!!

Like I said, it's the little things in life! :)

This baby thing ...

Will I ever be ready? Will I be getting on the plane to China and still not have everything I need?

We have the major stuff ... bed, bedding, bedroom furniture, clothes (not sure if they're the right size, but I have them). We have our stroller, and car seats picked out (hoping those will be a shower gift). Still need to decide on a pack and play and some minor other things ... but I just feel so not ready! I'm registered at one place ... an online store for clothes! I'd like to get registered at Target and possibly amazon.com. But then comes Bart .... he's not into it. I don't know if he's not ready to do all this, or if he doesn't understand it needs done. Given, it's not a man thing ... but it's something I'd like to do together.

Tea

How I love a cup of tea ... I have my favorite cups to drink the tea out of which to me, makes it all the more yummy and most importantly relaxing. I grew my own peppermint this summer and have it dried so I can have the best peppermint tea until it comes up again. It was so revitalization! Now I'm drinking a chamomile blend ... Chamomile flowers, hibiscus flowers, spearmint, lemongrass, rose petals, black berry leaves, safflowers, peppermint, sarsaparilla, lemon balm, and licorice. What a beautiful array of colors and smells were in that one little packet of calmness.

On this packet it states ... "A single cup of Tazo Calm has been known to have the same effect as sitting for 45 minutes in a mountain meadow on a sunny day with your shoes off." Sounds good just reading it! :)

Now to sit back, and close my eyes to the world and escape in this cup of tea!

Hair color

I've never been one to stick with one color for too long ... I get bored. So when we were at Target yesterday I picked up some soft black hair coloring. I colored it tonight ... would you believe Bart didn't notice! Geesh! Anyway, it came out just fine ... matches my new glasses nicely.

I get it cut next week (can NOT wait), so after that I might put some red highlights in. You wouldn't want it to be too normal would you?

New glasses

I LOVE getting new glasses!!! When my eyes change I always get new frames, and let me tell you ... it takes me forever to find the right one's!!! :) Last week we ordered them, and today ... I'm sporting my new glasses!!! LOVE THEM!!! And you'll never guess where I found them ... TARGET! Yup, my favorite store ... great glasses and a great price. Can't beat it!

Another week down ....

almost anyway! It's about 0400, so in just a few hours I will be on my way home!! I'll be off about a week before coming back. One would think that with a week off in between shifts I wouldn't hate it so bad!!!!!

What a week ... or two

Not that things have been easy lately ... things at work suck, things at home suck (because I hate dealing with things), and then WHAM .. another problem! So there I go ... over and over and over in my head EVERYTHING. No sleep, anxiety off the charts, and all I want to do is stay in my bed and cry. Which as we all know, staying in bed crying solves everything! So things continue to plummet and I continue to worry, and become a very angry person.

So here's the problem ... my best friend (besides of course my husband)relapsed! Just a few weeks before he would have been sober for two years. Even though I knew it was coming ... but was NOT prepared for it. The news hit me like a brick, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to be able to just fix the problem ... fix him, help him ... but I can't. Only he can fix this, and I can only be a friend and support him on becoming sober again. I've lost too many loved ones, and I will NOT let him be another!!! Yes, he's an addict ... no matter what, he'll always be an addict ... sober or not. It just takes abusing one drug and his body is back to where it was years ago. Just like that!

So let's add to the problem ... Bart isn't speaking to him. They had some problems at work (Bart's his boss) and he's not talking with him. So where does this leave me? Smack dab in the middle!!! After weeks and weeks of trying to help them work things out ... let me rephrase that, trying to get Bart to grow up ... this happens!

So where does it leave me? I love my husband more than anything, but I also love my friend (a friend love, not a husband love). I don't like this getting between my husband and I, but I won't ... I CAN'T turn my back on a friend when he needs me the most!

Burned in our memory

September 11th ... our world changed. All of America sat stunned watching TV wondering what would be next. There was the first plane, then the second ... then the Pentagon, lastly the plane that went down in PA.
I remember being asleep ... I had clinicals at the hospital that night. The phone rang and Bart told me to turn on the TV. Still groggy from sleep I try and focus my eyes on what I was seeing. Not believing what I was hearing on the TV and on the phone. My first thought ... my uncle! He works in the Pentagon every other week ... thank God that wasn't his week! The plane went right into his office! My cousin, also a pentagon worker ... wasn't in office that day. Who would do this kind of thing??
I lit my candle and sat it outside ... made sure it stayed lit, and oddly enough it did. There was a sorrel silence when you went outside ... a deadening silence that gave you chills. Usually when I walked out of my home there were many nature sounds .. crickets, birds, etc. Not today .. only fighter jets flying over my home. (I lived minutes from camp David)
My husband at work ... minutes from DC. Our safe country no longer felt safe ... especially living where we lived.

A girl I went to high school with worked in the second tower that was hit, her body was never found. She was a vibrant young women, engaged, with the world at her hands ... a world taken from her, for what?

September 11th, a day many grieve. A day many lost loved ones ... a day etched into our memories forever.

I've got a peacefull, easy feeling ....

I woke up, wide awake at 5AM. So, I got up ... Took Socrates out, and went out myself. I had a seat on the deck ... nice chill in the air that felt good. Looked up at the clear sky and pointed out constilations in my head. Not that I know many, but I've made up some. :) Socrates did what he needed to do and came back and laid down beside my chair .... if only there was a bed out there! I could have gone right back to sleep, listening to the crickets .... looking at the stars.