Today my world was turned inside out and upside down

Never did I think I would here the words uttered that I heard today. Never did I think I'd be taken aback and dumbfounded to a point where I didn't know what to say, do, or think.

Bart came home today, a bit early than usual. I had called him on his cell phone (I forget why now, it's not important) and asked where he was and he told me he was almost home. I asked why he was coming home so early and he told me he had gotten fired. I thought he was kidding ... I said what? To that he replied with the same as before and added, I'm no longer employed for _____ (the company he worked at). Then he told me he'd explain when he got home, and hung up. It still wasn't sinking in ... I still thought he was kidding. Unfortunately he wasn't!

Fired .. F I R E D! I couldn't believe my ears as he told me, and then what he did to get fired! That was NOT who I married, that was not something Bart would ever do ... it was almost like I was hearing Charlie Brown's teacher talking because nothing was making sense.

I immediately picked up the phone and called my Mom ... I need those motherly words of wisdom! She cried with me, talked to me, and made me feel better. I'm so fortunate to have such a wonderful mom!!! My family is the best!

So there I sat ... numb, tears still streaming down my face. I didn't know if I was coming or going, I didn't know what to think or say. I'd try to talk, but nothing would come out but more tears. The words just kept echoing in my ears.

Once again ... the world as I know it has come to an abrupt hault.

Courage

My mom got me the Courage Willow Tree angel. It brings a triumphant spirit, inspiration, and courage. (Just what I need!!!) I love what Susan Lordi has written on the side of the box, so I thought I'd share ...

I created the first Angel of Courage in 2001 to celebrate the triumphant spirit, strength, and courage we call upon to face challenges in our lives - whether they be our health, or the well-being of our loved ones. In response to requests for another figure that expresses this sentiment, I re-sculpted the original piece and name it Courage. I hope this angel can be an reminder of people in our lives who inspire us with their strength and courage everyday.

When I read that many people came to mind (one being my mom). There are so many people in my life that are an inspiration of strength and courage, I hope I can draw from them to get through the challenges I am facing.

Insomnia

I'm back to having sleeping problems, which really sucks!! It's like I'm reverting back to how things were years ago ... bad anxiety attacks, not sleeping, crying for no reason, etc. I don't get it!!! Things were good for so long, then BAM ... it's all back!

I have a lot on my mind, so I know that has something to do with it. But I wouldn't think it would cause this much problems. One would think working would be better, but WRONG! Having the kids in the Emergency Room made me realize how much I want children, then to realize there's a huge possibility that I never will have any children. And to make it worse there was a little Chinese girl, who was an absolute doll!! She was beautiful, and did great with her breathing treatments ... made me once again remember what I almost had!! To think I could have a daughter now ...

The many thoughts that go through my head ... if only I could record them, I'd have a best seller!!!

Depression NEVER goes away ...

When you have depression, you always have depression. You can have good days, you can actually go months and months without having a bad day, but it's inevitable depression will come out.
Not that I've had an easy few months (well, more than that), but I haven't had days where I just want to stay in bed and cry. Not until Wednesday anyway ... now I just can't seem to snap out of it. I'm on my medication (I've weaned myself way down on my Clonopin though), so why am I feeling like this??
I didn't sleep all that well last night, but I did sleep ... I got up this afternoon and just felt blah. I didn't feel like doing anything, it took all I had not to just go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. But after three hours or so, I gave in ... bed became my solice, and my tears just fled from my eyes. But did I feel better? Nope ... if anything I felt worse, so why crave doing something that makes you feel worse??

Life ... will it ever get easier??

The last of three

The last of my three shifts ended up being horrible. It started out with one of the worst anxiety attacks I've had in years. I was in tears the whole way there, not to mention for about an hour before I left for work. I was a babbling idiot!! I called Bart on the way to the hospital thinking he would help calm me down, but it was the opposite. It seemed like everything he said upset me more! I felt like he was almost intentionally trying to make everything that much harder for me.
I was ready to call into work with some excuse why I couldn't come in, knowing I shouldn't do so ... it was my first full week! How great would that look?!?! So I sat in the parking garage bawling my eyes out ... I looked like total crap! I sucked it up, did a lot of self talking ... and walked to the elevator (still crying). I hit the first restroom I came to, and splashed some cold water on my face and head to the department. My eyes were red, puffy, and burning ... I could only imagine what everyone would think about me.
Thankfully my two little kiddo's were still in the ER that I had previously, and that brought me some comfort somehow.
Not much went on, which was a blessing ... I don't think I could have handled being called all over the place! I think I would have had another breakdown. I made it through the night, I was doing things on my own without someone going with me ... which was nice. The night went by quickly and before I knew it I was giving report and on my way home.

Now I'm sitting here waiting for Mom and Dad to come over, putting the night behind me. I'm not going to sleep today so I can spend time with them. We're going shopping. It will be nice to see them, it's been too long. I wish they were staying longer so I could have more time with them ... but I'm thankful for the time I have.

Happy Birthday Shyam!!

Today is Shyam's birthday. I sent him a message on myspace, as well as left a message on his phone. It really hurts me that he still doesn't talk to me ... but there's nothing I can do but to keep on trying. He's someone that was a very big part of my life and I will never forget!

I hope he is having a wonderful day!!! If you happen to read this Shyam ... Happy birthday, I love you!

Happy Birthday to me .... :)

On this day in 1974 (do the math) I came into this world, hence the celebration of my birthday! :) I'm one of those people who make a big deal about my birthday ... I realize I'm an adult and have been told "it's just another day", but to me it's not. It's not that like getting gifts, cards in the mail, messages on my phone, and birthday cake ... I just like the fact that's it's a day just for me.

This was a very low key birthday, unlike I would have liked it to be. I would have liked to have a party and be surrounded by friends, but that just didn't happen. Instead Bart took my out for a very nice dinner of my choice. We went to a Greek restaurant that I love and I had a Greek salad, spanikopida (spelling?), and rice. As an appetizer we had humus with fresh homemade pita bread. It was all SO yummy.

When we got home, Terry had a surprise and had made cookies (I didn't have a cake) and they put candles in one and sang happy birthday. I thought that was very sweet that he thought to do that, which made it all that more special!

Other than that ... that was my day. Like I said, very low key ... but nonetheless, my day! :)

Thank you all for your warm wishes ... and to quote a message I received from my friend Stacey ... "May the best of your past, be the worst of your future." I've never heard that before, but just love it! Thanks Stace!

First night of work ...

How bad is it to show up late on your first actual day (well night) of work?? Leave it to me! Luckily, she had told me it was okay to be a few hours late ... but still, I felt bad being 20 minutes late!! The weather was horrid, it had snowed and stared sleeting so the roads were icy ... so it was a slow trip! Luckily the closer I got to Baltimore the better things got! But I called and left her a message around 6.30 PM letting her know I'd be late due to the weather. She didn't mind one bit!
Of course I had to pee once I got there, so I hit the bathroom ... and since I was trying to hurry I left my legal pad I took to take notes on, my calender (UGH), and my bag of pretzel goldfish!!! I don't care much about the legal pad and goldfish ... but my calender, I miss it!!! :(
I took 10 exams first ... I breezed through them in less than 30 minutes, I didn't even have to read the info ... I just took the exams. The last one was hard ... or shall I say poorly written, and she gave me the answers on it. :) After that we took a tour of half the hospital and she showed me where the med rooms were and the lock combos for them, and where we keep the equipment on the floors. Man oh man is this going to take forever to remember!!!! I think I'll be wondering around finding my way forever! This place is HUGE! Extremely nice though ... and everyone seemed to be very nice. This is the first time I've worked at a hospital without knowing one person!
I was given a lot of information, but not too much where I felt overwhelmed. The most overwhelming thing is the hospital itself, but I guess that will come with time. I learned about charting (which everyone made out to be complicated), but there was nothing to it. I was zooming along helping Jennifer put in charges, etc in no time! I think I have that down, it's pretty much like what I used at FMH, but a much better written program! So it's just a matter of finding where the buttons are ... that too will come with time. Other than that we watched TV and just visited with each other ... pretty laid back place!

We'll see how Monday goes ... I'll be orienting in the ER.

Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope everyone has an enjoyable Valentine's Day! Personally I think it's just a stupid Hallmark holiday, but that's just me. :)

I got Ghirardelli chocolate filled with caramel squares. And will be getting something else once it comes in. (Like most men, he waited until the last minute.)

I slept most of the day since I worked last night. I made some yummy vegetable soup for dinner which really hit the spot on this cold, icy, snowy day!

Borientation ...

Only five minutes late ... not too shabby! :) The actual orientation didn't start until 7, the first 15 minutes were to get settled in, grab something to eat and/or drink, and sign in. But since I was late, I was right in the front in the middle ... drinking my cocaine energy drink! Why didn't I think to pour it into something??
Everything up until 1.30 went rather quickly and wasn't bad at all ... but man did it drag after that!!! Luckily we had a 15 minute break (I made mine longer because I went to HR ... they love me there) at 3, but still .... UGH!

So, here's some things I learned ...

• The NEW golden rule: Do unto others as that WANT you to do.
• Begin with the end in mind.
• It's easy to criticize, it's better to offer solutions. (Now there's something people need to do!)
• The 10-4 rule: When you're within 10 feet of someone, you should make eye contact and smile. When you're within 4 feet you should greet them.
• Within the first 7 seconds upon meeting someone, they have already formed ELEVEN opinions about you! (I don't even want to know what people think about me in 7 seconds, let alone 7 minutes!!)

So that was that ... overall a good day, especially since I got paid for 9 hours! :) I had WAY too much caffeine, but I stayed awake ... who knows if I'll ever get to sleep tonight! I found out I work tomorrow night (7 pm -7 am), I'll be doing paper work and working on the computer. FUN stuff!!! :) She was really cool and laid back about it ... she's like, don't worry if you're a few hours late, it's not a big deal ... just give me a call and let me know what time you'll be here, and if something comes up and you can't come in or don't want to, just give me a call and we'll do it next week. I told her not to worry that I'd be there at 7. (I think she felt like she needed to have me come in, but she had just found out I had orientation that day. So I'm not scheduled to be there.)

The drive home sucked ... people around here SO need to learn that when white stuff is falling from the sky it's not a big deal, it's called snow and you just drive as usual, but with extra caution ... especially when it's not really sticking and it's barely a flurry! But no, they freak and sit and drive SLOW, which means traffic is pretty much at a stand still inching along! UGH!

Thanks Christina, you were right ... I did just fine (even though the first few speakers had to remark on my drink, one being the prez of the hospital!!!) and I had no reason to be stressing! :) You're a sweetie, no wonder you're my friend!

Tomorrow is the day ...

It's borientation day ... 8 hours of listening to people talk about the same stuff I've heard over and over. Sounds like fun doesn't it? Don't you wish you were me? :) I'll be happy to trade places with you for the day ... just give me a ring when they're going to take the pic for my hospital ID, that should probably be me. YUCK! A picture on top of the whole thing ... what did I do to deserve this??

So, I have to get up WAY too early because I have to be there at (I don't even want to say the time, it's painful) 7:45 AM!!! Me, getting there by 7:45 .... do you see that happening?? It's an hour drive ... I'll hit traffic ... and you all know how much of a morning person I am! Thankfully there is a Starbucks down the street from the hospital!!! And then a coffee shop IN the hospital ... not a Starbucks, but it will do in a pinch. We'll see if I stay awake!

Let's stick the whole anxiety factor in ...
Anxiety, it's up there!! Last night I could not sleep for the life of me ... I saw the sun go down, and come back up. So tonight I'm expecting the same. I know there's nothing to worry about (besides getting there on time, and staying awake), but when you have social and generalized anxiety, it happens! Throw in everything else going on in my life, and it just adds up!! So that just makes too many things running through my head to sleep.

So here I am ... not really tired, more on edge than anything. I have everything for tomorrow ready, I shouldn't be all worried, etc ... but I can't help who I am, can I??

Just be ...

Go for long walks,

induldge in hot baths,

question your assumptions,

be kind to yourself,

loosen up, scream,

curse the world,

count your blessings,

just let go,

just be!

~ carol shields

Life ... who has the handbook?

Come on, who has it? Hand it over, I'm in need of it big time!!

Why does everything have to be so complicated? Everything in my life seems to be so out of control right now. I have so many decisions to make and I am extremely afraid of making the wrong ones. Not that I haven't made wrong decisions before, but we're talking life changing decisions here! My head just spins when I think of it all.

Will there ever come a time when everything fits together and my life is actually content??

Cherokee Wisdom - Food for Thought

This was shared to me by a friend ... thought I'd pass it along! :)

The Story of the Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed.

Babies are freakin' everywhere!

Why is it everywhere I look lately, there's a baby or a small toddler?? Commercials, TV, when I'm out and about ... it's unavoidable! Maybe it's because I'm PMSing ... but still ... I WANT A BABY!!!!
I had my chance; my hopes up, with the adoption. I still haven't touched a thing in the nursery ... I can't! That might not be the most healthy thing ... but it's so hard to even go in there. I end up just holding clothes or a blanket and sitting there crying.
So am I going to just grow old childless???

Winter Wonderland ...

Finally ... it's February and we had our first snow (that amounted to anything, and even that wasn't much) of the winter!!! What's that about?
It started last night, and stuck enough for a snow day ... but now it's just about all melted away! :( It was nice while it lasted though ... but I'm ready for some more! :)

Bumper sticker ...

On my way home from therapy today, I was behind a truck that had the best bumper sticker on it ... "The more you complain, the longer you'll live"

LOVED it and had to share! :)

Homesick or just sick?

So what is it? Am I homesick or just plain sick of being here?? I SO wanted to go visit my parents this past weekend, but Friday night's weather was iffy to be traveling over the mountains, so we decided to wait until morning. Who knows what happened, lack of communication ... lack of paying attention, but I wake up around 2:30 in the afternoon on Saturday spitting bullets!!!! I thought we were getting up early and leaving!!! Bart claimed we had decided not to go. The weather was fine ... cold, yet fine. I had talked to my Mom and it was the same there. So, I thought I'd pack and just go myself. WRONG! Bart says that's too far for me (an adult) to drive by myself, he'd take me. So fine ... I leave the room. HOURS later I go back ... he of course is sound asleep as always. I was more than upset! It was now dark, and I was back to, I'm just going to go myself. What's the big deal? It's not like I haven't driven places before ... heck, it's not like I haven't driven there before. Why was it such a big deal??? Give me a break! I wanted to see my parents, and I wanted to spend time with Bryce. Is that so much to ask? I didn't think so, but obviously I need to be older to do so by myself. I don't get it! I'm just sick of everything! I start work on the 12th so I thought this would be perfect ... but I guess not!!!!

A poem ...

Isn't it funny when you run across something and it's like it was written just for you??

Please don't tell me not to cry

Please don't say there was a reason why

You don't know what I am feeling

Or how much I hurt

The wet spots are from tears on the collar of this shirt

You think I should go on with life

Forget about it and be strong

But deep down I am sad, and don't want to go along

I don't expect you to understand why

For no apparent reason I break down and start to cry

My life has changed forever, you see

And that is why I am not acting like the same ole me

So please don't try to act like nothing happened

Because it's changed my life forever

I will never be the same again

Not today, not tomorrow, but never

The thing you can do for me is just be there

Just like always, my friend

My broken heart is hurting bad

And it will never mend

(AP 2002)

LOVE great mail days

Lately I've had so many great mail days, I love it!!!!

I got home today (from Baltimore) to a giant padded envelope from T! I quickly opened it to find my prize for leaving comments in the gallery at TTS .... kickin' prize! Reminisce black and white line ... complete with black and white alphabet as well as stickers!!! ROCK ON!!! Earlier I had won the Cosmo Cricket chipboard letters, etc from her! (I need to get the matching paper, but I'm waiting to see if anyone gets it for me for my birthday ... it's the Jitterbug line) :D

It's little things like this that just make life grand isn't it?

Recolections baby!!!

Finally I made it ... how many years has it taken me to actually get to this store??? Was it worth the wait ... heck ya! :)
I dropped Dano and Ryan off at the Harbor at work and kept trucking to Columbia. Extremely easy to find ... even in the dark! I felt like I was on each isle for ages, just taking it all in! It had been SO long since I had been to an actual scrapbook store I was in awe at everything (and of course wanted everything). I attempted to keep myself under control, but the paper ... always a weakness of mine, I can't help it! I need to stop hoarding it and start using it! Actually I need to only buy it when I KNOW I actually NEED it. But old habits are hard to break!
I got SO much cool stuff, and a lot was uber cheap because it was on clearance! Unfortunately my idea of not spending too much and Bart's is slightly different. But what's a girl to do when she hasn't been to a scrapbook store in ages????????