My biggest fear became a reality - Part 2

After struggling with the cops, I found myself handcuffed sitting in a hot squad car going to the hospital. It wasn't a pretty sight getting me cuffed, I'm surprised I didn't end up arrested. 10 cops and 5 cars later I arrived at the hospital, embarrassed and scared. I stood outside of the nurses station in the ER surrounded by all these men in blue, hands behind my back, handcuffs way too tight. I felt like people were starring and talking about me, I felt very uncomfortable. I hated it ... I felt so alone and so lost. Finally a nurse came up to me to take me to put on my gown, thankfully one of the cops came over and took the cuffs off. I felt like a criminal when he gave the nurse a look and asked if she would be okay with me. We got to the restroom and the nurse apologized and said she had to watch me undress and put on the gown ... how embarrassing is that??? She asked why all the cops where there, and embarrassingly I explained what had happened and of course started crying. She was nice and comforting, and led me to my "room" after I put on my gown. I had a sitter, and hard restraints where on the bed as requested by the cops. Hard four point restraints! Thankfully they didn't put those on me, I could not have handled that ... it was hard enough being in the back of the squad car cuffed ... I felt like I was sufficating, it was hard to breath, I was totally helpless, I hated it!!
An hour or so later, they alloud my Mom to come back. I was sitting there drinking my ice water crying. It was nice to have my Mom with me. She hugged me and asked if I was mad at her for doing what she did. I was ... I understood why she did what she did, but I was still upset she did it. I've been in her situation before, and did the same thing she did ... 911. I couldn't blame her for what she did, it was a hard thing to do I know. She apologized and gave me a hug. She then told me that my Dad had taken Kaylie and Nicholas to get some subs before the cops came so they weren't there during everything. I was relieved ... I was horified that my niece and nephew had witnessed all of that! Later my Dad came back, then Brenda. Nicholas was in the waiting room, but I didn't want him to see me in the ER with a sitter and hard restraints on the bed. Brenda told me the same thing, Dad had taken them to get subs so they wouldn't be there ... I thanked her. She said they had been worried about me and asking if I was okay because they noticed I was not myself and doing nothing but sobbing. I felt awful ... I hate people worrying about me, especially my niece and nephew.

I met privately with the hospital therapist, he was very nice and I honestly answered all his questions. I let him know that I did not want to be admitted, but I knew how the system was, blah blah blah. He said he was going to meet with my family, talk with them and then he would make his decision of what he was going to do. He then said he wasn't going to lie to me, he was already pretty sure that he was going to admit me. He said I could either sign myself in or he would say I was a danger to myself and others and have me committed. The words "have me committed" sent shivers down my spine ... I was going to be committed, I was going to the mental ward ... my biggest fear was becoming ever so real. He left to go talk to my family, and I stayed there crying ... I knew what was about to happen, and that scared me!

Later he came back, he said he talked to my family and they were very supportive of me. I have a wonderful family ... I knew that. He gave me the paper to sign ... which I did, and then he talked to me some more and then went off to get my nurse to get me upstairs. Mom and Dad came back and kept me company until I was taken upstairs to my room. I hated that a security guard had to escort the nurse and I upstairs ... again I felt like a criminal when I wasn't. I cried the whole way to my room ... I felt like I was on parade through the hospital ... anyone that saw me knew where I was going, why else would someone have a security guard with them??

My biggest fear became a reality

I've been batteling my depression with every ounce of strength I could find. I have been feeling so worthless, hopeless, alone ... I had no purpose, no reason to wake up. I couldn't control my crying, tears came without question, and they came often.

Finally I gave in, I called my mom. I had been avoiding her phone calls because I didn't want to start crying while talking to her, I didn't want her to know things had gotten so out of control. We talked, I felt somewhat better ... went and took a shower and put on clean clothes, well clean pajamas. Shortly after I had gotten dressed mom called to say she had called Brenda and she was on her way to take me to her house. I didn't want to go, I didn't want Kaylie and Nicholas to see me like this but it was either go or my mom was getting in her car and driving to me ... considering it was early evening and I live aproximately 6.5 hours from my parents I gave in. Brenda got to my house a little of an hour after I hung up the phone. She came into my house to find me on my couch crying. I felt awful, I tired so hard to be strong but couldn't fight back the tears. I'm guessing Mom told her that I hadn't been eating because she brought me a yogurt, a bottle of water, and some cheese and grapes. On the way to drop off Socrates to Bart Nick called to see if we wanted anything from Dairy Queen. I said I was fine, but she told him to get us both a small Aloha blizard.

It was very hard to leave Socrates, he's always been such a comfort to me, but there was no way he could go to Brenda's since he doesn't get along with other dogs and she has three. Not to mention another dog would be a bit much. We got to Brenda's to find Brian, Kaylie, Nick, and a friend of Nick's in the basement watching Dodgeball. I really didn't feel like going down into a room full of people, but I did. I sat on the couch beside Kaylie (and her boxer puppy Marley) and Brenda sat on the other side of me and we had our blizards. I'm glad she ordered me one, it was very good (pineapple, banana's, and coconut). Soon I excused myself and went to bed. I had gotten some ambian from Bart, so I could hopefully get some sleep because I hadn't been sleeping ... maybe 2 hours a night if that. Every night I would have night mares and night terros and wake up soaking wet with sweat ... gross!!! Bart only gave me a few Ambian's because he was afraid I'd take them all in attempt to end my life. Sadly that had been on my mind a lot.

The next day Mom and Dad got to Brenda's. They had planned to come that day as they were going to go to Nick's baseball tournament that night and leave for Texas to visit Bryce for his birthday. I sat around all day crying, I kept going to my room (aka the guest room) in hopes nobody would notice ... that didn't work. A few times Mom followed me and sat on the bed holding me and wiping my face with a wet wash cloth. Even though I'm 33, it is so comforting to be held by my Mom and have her rub my back ... I guess it reverts me to my childhood. I'd cry and write ... writing always helps me calm down and gather my thoughts. I had a bit of a melt down outside ... I went out to get some air as I was fighting off an anxiety attack. Mom followed me, and unfortunately had to witness the inevatable. I paced back and forth on the deck in the rain until I couldn't any longer ... my legs didn't feel like they could hold me any longer. I wept with my head in my hands and I knelt in the rain. I had my Mom go to my bag and get me a Clonopin ... the first one I had taken in months. I then went to lay down ... within 10 minutes I was calmed down. Wonderful drug that is ... I just hate taking it because of being adicted and weaning myself off of it not so easily.

The following morning Mom tried to get me to agree to go to the hospital. Everytime she mentioned the idea I would instantly have an anxiety attack and start crying uncontrolably. I knew if I went to the hospital I would be admitted which has always been a big fear of mine. She left me in my room. I few minutes later I heard Brenda downstairs ask my mom to come outside ... she said she wanted to show her something. I got a really odd feeling, a knot in my stomach ... I felt naucious. I went downstairs, I saw my Dad and Nick sitting in the living room ... I opened the front door and saw a police car parked in front of the mail box at the end of the drive way. I slammed the door and didn't know what to do. I wanted to run ... I thought about going out the back door and leaving ... but where would I go??? I ran up the stairs into my room and locked the door. I went and sat between the bed and the wall and cried. I knew they had called 911 ... I knew what was about to happen. It wasn't long until my mom knocked and asked me to unlock the door. I opened the door to find my mom and two cops ...

More to come, I'm tired of writing .... :)

At the end of my rope ...

Here I sit, crying ... my eyes are so red and swollen as it seems that has been all I have been doing lately. I have no energy because I'm completely exhausted from having what seems like constent anxiety attacks. My head is thumping from all the tears. I am honestly at the end of my rope!
At work last night, I was waiting for my patients to finish there treatments ... I went to take in the view out the window. I looked out on all the lights of Baltimore. I couldn't believe how alone and lost I felt even though there were people all around, and a bustling city right out the window.
I feel like everyone is moving along in life while somehow I stand still ... watching the world pass me by. I see people that are so happy, smiling, talking, laughing and yearn to be like that. I feel so distant from the world. This disease has managed to push me away from those I love, and isolate me with my fears.

I gave up and called Bart to see if he would come and take me to the ER. I didn't know what else to do, and even though it scares me to go to the emergency room for this, I know it's the best thing for me. I don't know why I keep letting myself get off my meds when I know I need them to function!

Home ...

Finally I was able to go home ... not for as long as I would have liked, but home nonetheless. I drove in on Saturday and back on Tuesday ... originally I was leaving Thursday when I got off work and then back on Tuesday, but life got in the way of those plans.
It was nice to be home, my mom made yummy vegetable soup that was waiting for me when I got there Saturday afternoon. Sunday I went to church for the first time in I don't know how many years ... it was nice to be there, comforting in a way. Oddly enough the sermon was about overcoming your fears in which he spoke about people with anxiety. Really hit home, and a few times I sat holding back tears. It was like he was standing on that big platform in front of everyone talking just to me.
My anxiety is at it highest right now ... higher than it's been in a long time. I have this constent short of breath, feeling like I'm under water, chest pain, butterfly, can't sleep without waking up sweating from a bad dream feeling. Why I let myself run out of my medication is beyond me. I know better, I've been here before and it wasn't pretty ... yet here I am again!!!

Can you say ANXIETY??

Oh ya ... bad!!! Between lack of sleep, working so much, looking for a house, and the stress at home, my anxiety has been through the roof!!!! You might want to factor my PMDD in there too, you know me ... when I do it I REALLY DO IT!

I'm so frustrated with the whole house thing ... we've looked at a lot of places, some nice places, some not so nice ... but none are right! They just don't have the room I need! Or I find the PERFECT place, but it's too far (I'm trying NOT to commute). UGH!!! So on goes my daily ritual of looking at craigslist.com for that perfect place to call home.

Then there's the whole work thing and not having a place to live ... there's no way I can drive back and forth, so I've been sleeping on the floor in the attic of a friends house. It's the room where the band practices, so it has all the guitars, drums, mics, etc ... and then me! It's not like I can really sleep well ... let alone think.

Then this separation divorce thing ... why does it have to be so complicated?? I mean, getting married was so easy!!!!

One more thing and I will break!

The last of three

The last of my three shifts ended up being horrible. It started out with one of the worst anxiety attacks I've had in years. I was in tears the whole way there, not to mention for about an hour before I left for work. I was a babbling idiot!! I called Bart on the way to the hospital thinking he would help calm me down, but it was the opposite. It seemed like everything he said upset me more! I felt like he was almost intentionally trying to make everything that much harder for me.
I was ready to call into work with some excuse why I couldn't come in, knowing I shouldn't do so ... it was my first full week! How great would that look?!?! So I sat in the parking garage bawling my eyes out ... I looked like total crap! I sucked it up, did a lot of self talking ... and walked to the elevator (still crying). I hit the first restroom I came to, and splashed some cold water on my face and head to the department. My eyes were red, puffy, and burning ... I could only imagine what everyone would think about me.
Thankfully my two little kiddo's were still in the ER that I had previously, and that brought me some comfort somehow.
Not much went on, which was a blessing ... I don't think I could have handled being called all over the place! I think I would have had another breakdown. I made it through the night, I was doing things on my own without someone going with me ... which was nice. The night went by quickly and before I knew it I was giving report and on my way home.

Now I'm sitting here waiting for Mom and Dad to come over, putting the night behind me. I'm not going to sleep today so I can spend time with them. We're going shopping. It will be nice to see them, it's been too long. I wish they were staying longer so I could have more time with them ... but I'm thankful for the time I have.