Funny how things work ...

Today I went to see my OBGYN. My mom wanted me to go to see if he could shed some light on my PMDD, since nothing seems to help with that and I struggle with awful depression monthly. It's been a couple years since I've gone to an OBGYN, so I was rather over due for the freakin' monthly women check up that I absolutely hate. During the exam he said he felt what he thought was "significant fibroids" and he wanted me to have an ultra sound. So I got that scheduled for Monday. We shall see ...

I didn't mention my PMDD because I got all side tracked with the fibroids, but it's not like I won't be seeing him again soon. I shall keep you updated ...

Appointment number one

Today I saw my therapist, Gail. Nice lady ... odd office, not at all what I'm use to. It's in Belpre, Ohio and is on the river in a nice home. Her office is a huge room with a desk, a couch, and a few chairs. Not to mention a bird cage with some kind of bird and her pug. The pug was cute, sat beside her and snored the whole time which I found rather distracting, but then again I'm ultra senstative lastely. I met with her, she asked some questions and then asked if it was okay to bring my Mom in. Not a problem with me ... I signed a release to allow her to speak with my Mom and she came back. I am so uncomfortable talking to people about my problems. Those of you that know me know that's always been a battle of mine. I can write about anything for hours, but sit me down with someone an expect me to spill my guts - forget it! I've seen therapists in the past as most of you know, and it would take me forever to ever open up to them and be completely honest. I don't know how much money I've waisted in the past because I would just tell them what they wanted to hear to get out of there. Defeats the purpose I know, but it was easier for me.
She pointed out while talking with my Mom and I that I had become nonverbal since my Mom came in. My Mom told her that I never tell her what's going on and I am great at giving the "I don't know" answer. She also asked if I had been talking prior to her coming in, which Gail told her I was. I felt awful, it's nothing against my Mom ... I just don't feel right bothering her with additional stress. She explained to both of us that I needed someone to help me monitor my depression because it's not something that should be done by me alone. She said that I needed someone that could notice the change in my mood and point it out to me and make sure I get the help needed. She said that when it's just me, I won't seek the help I should and end up in trouble again. She gave me some things for my Mom and I to talk about, and I made an appointment for next week.
All in all it went well. Of course I sat there crying while she told my mom some things I had said prior to my Mom coming in. It's hard to hear things I guess ... especially when they're being told to my Mom.

My biggest fear became a reality - Part 2

After struggling with the cops, I found myself handcuffed sitting in a hot squad car going to the hospital. It wasn't a pretty sight getting me cuffed, I'm surprised I didn't end up arrested. 10 cops and 5 cars later I arrived at the hospital, embarrassed and scared. I stood outside of the nurses station in the ER surrounded by all these men in blue, hands behind my back, handcuffs way too tight. I felt like people were starring and talking about me, I felt very uncomfortable. I hated it ... I felt so alone and so lost. Finally a nurse came up to me to take me to put on my gown, thankfully one of the cops came over and took the cuffs off. I felt like a criminal when he gave the nurse a look and asked if she would be okay with me. We got to the restroom and the nurse apologized and said she had to watch me undress and put on the gown ... how embarrassing is that??? She asked why all the cops where there, and embarrassingly I explained what had happened and of course started crying. She was nice and comforting, and led me to my "room" after I put on my gown. I had a sitter, and hard restraints where on the bed as requested by the cops. Hard four point restraints! Thankfully they didn't put those on me, I could not have handled that ... it was hard enough being in the back of the squad car cuffed ... I felt like I was sufficating, it was hard to breath, I was totally helpless, I hated it!!
An hour or so later, they alloud my Mom to come back. I was sitting there drinking my ice water crying. It was nice to have my Mom with me. She hugged me and asked if I was mad at her for doing what she did. I was ... I understood why she did what she did, but I was still upset she did it. I've been in her situation before, and did the same thing she did ... 911. I couldn't blame her for what she did, it was a hard thing to do I know. She apologized and gave me a hug. She then told me that my Dad had taken Kaylie and Nicholas to get some subs before the cops came so they weren't there during everything. I was relieved ... I was horified that my niece and nephew had witnessed all of that! Later my Dad came back, then Brenda. Nicholas was in the waiting room, but I didn't want him to see me in the ER with a sitter and hard restraints on the bed. Brenda told me the same thing, Dad had taken them to get subs so they wouldn't be there ... I thanked her. She said they had been worried about me and asking if I was okay because they noticed I was not myself and doing nothing but sobbing. I felt awful ... I hate people worrying about me, especially my niece and nephew.

I met privately with the hospital therapist, he was very nice and I honestly answered all his questions. I let him know that I did not want to be admitted, but I knew how the system was, blah blah blah. He said he was going to meet with my family, talk with them and then he would make his decision of what he was going to do. He then said he wasn't going to lie to me, he was already pretty sure that he was going to admit me. He said I could either sign myself in or he would say I was a danger to myself and others and have me committed. The words "have me committed" sent shivers down my spine ... I was going to be committed, I was going to the mental ward ... my biggest fear was becoming ever so real. He left to go talk to my family, and I stayed there crying ... I knew what was about to happen, and that scared me!

Later he came back, he said he talked to my family and they were very supportive of me. I have a wonderful family ... I knew that. He gave me the paper to sign ... which I did, and then he talked to me some more and then went off to get my nurse to get me upstairs. Mom and Dad came back and kept me company until I was taken upstairs to my room. I hated that a security guard had to escort the nurse and I upstairs ... again I felt like a criminal when I wasn't. I cried the whole way to my room ... I felt like I was on parade through the hospital ... anyone that saw me knew where I was going, why else would someone have a security guard with them??

My biggest fear became a reality

I've been batteling my depression with every ounce of strength I could find. I have been feeling so worthless, hopeless, alone ... I had no purpose, no reason to wake up. I couldn't control my crying, tears came without question, and they came often.

Finally I gave in, I called my mom. I had been avoiding her phone calls because I didn't want to start crying while talking to her, I didn't want her to know things had gotten so out of control. We talked, I felt somewhat better ... went and took a shower and put on clean clothes, well clean pajamas. Shortly after I had gotten dressed mom called to say she had called Brenda and she was on her way to take me to her house. I didn't want to go, I didn't want Kaylie and Nicholas to see me like this but it was either go or my mom was getting in her car and driving to me ... considering it was early evening and I live aproximately 6.5 hours from my parents I gave in. Brenda got to my house a little of an hour after I hung up the phone. She came into my house to find me on my couch crying. I felt awful, I tired so hard to be strong but couldn't fight back the tears. I'm guessing Mom told her that I hadn't been eating because she brought me a yogurt, a bottle of water, and some cheese and grapes. On the way to drop off Socrates to Bart Nick called to see if we wanted anything from Dairy Queen. I said I was fine, but she told him to get us both a small Aloha blizard.

It was very hard to leave Socrates, he's always been such a comfort to me, but there was no way he could go to Brenda's since he doesn't get along with other dogs and she has three. Not to mention another dog would be a bit much. We got to Brenda's to find Brian, Kaylie, Nick, and a friend of Nick's in the basement watching Dodgeball. I really didn't feel like going down into a room full of people, but I did. I sat on the couch beside Kaylie (and her boxer puppy Marley) and Brenda sat on the other side of me and we had our blizards. I'm glad she ordered me one, it was very good (pineapple, banana's, and coconut). Soon I excused myself and went to bed. I had gotten some ambian from Bart, so I could hopefully get some sleep because I hadn't been sleeping ... maybe 2 hours a night if that. Every night I would have night mares and night terros and wake up soaking wet with sweat ... gross!!! Bart only gave me a few Ambian's because he was afraid I'd take them all in attempt to end my life. Sadly that had been on my mind a lot.

The next day Mom and Dad got to Brenda's. They had planned to come that day as they were going to go to Nick's baseball tournament that night and leave for Texas to visit Bryce for his birthday. I sat around all day crying, I kept going to my room (aka the guest room) in hopes nobody would notice ... that didn't work. A few times Mom followed me and sat on the bed holding me and wiping my face with a wet wash cloth. Even though I'm 33, it is so comforting to be held by my Mom and have her rub my back ... I guess it reverts me to my childhood. I'd cry and write ... writing always helps me calm down and gather my thoughts. I had a bit of a melt down outside ... I went out to get some air as I was fighting off an anxiety attack. Mom followed me, and unfortunately had to witness the inevatable. I paced back and forth on the deck in the rain until I couldn't any longer ... my legs didn't feel like they could hold me any longer. I wept with my head in my hands and I knelt in the rain. I had my Mom go to my bag and get me a Clonopin ... the first one I had taken in months. I then went to lay down ... within 10 minutes I was calmed down. Wonderful drug that is ... I just hate taking it because of being adicted and weaning myself off of it not so easily.

The following morning Mom tried to get me to agree to go to the hospital. Everytime she mentioned the idea I would instantly have an anxiety attack and start crying uncontrolably. I knew if I went to the hospital I would be admitted which has always been a big fear of mine. She left me in my room. I few minutes later I heard Brenda downstairs ask my mom to come outside ... she said she wanted to show her something. I got a really odd feeling, a knot in my stomach ... I felt naucious. I went downstairs, I saw my Dad and Nick sitting in the living room ... I opened the front door and saw a police car parked in front of the mail box at the end of the drive way. I slammed the door and didn't know what to do. I wanted to run ... I thought about going out the back door and leaving ... but where would I go??? I ran up the stairs into my room and locked the door. I went and sat between the bed and the wall and cried. I knew they had called 911 ... I knew what was about to happen. It wasn't long until my mom knocked and asked me to unlock the door. I opened the door to find my mom and two cops ...

More to come, I'm tired of writing .... :)

Depression

Here is a layout I did scrapbook contest I'm in at TTS, below is the journaling ...

In the past year I have been thrown so many obstacles that I have had to overcome. The best friend that I had turned to so many times chose to tie the strings of our friendship and go his own way. I was so close to having the daughter that I had held only in my dreams, to have the reality of life take her away. My ninth wedding anniversary was spent away from my husband for the first time as separation was a reality and divorce was ever so real. My life was changing before my eyes, and before I even knew it I was spiraling out of control. I spent weeks without eating, with only a few hours sleep here and there, and countless hours of uncontrollable crying. I hated who I saw when I looked in the mirror, the person I had become. I use to be a strong woman, one who lived life to the fullest and enjoyed every day … now I was simply a child wanting nothing but her mother. I didn’t know which was up, or how to get out of the mess I was in. I longed for the inner strength I once had. Where was the Abby I knew? Where was the hope I had clung to knowing there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel?

Depression is so real; it lurks in the shadows behind me trying so hard to take over my life. It is always near and can easily blind me from my happiness, from my hopes and dreams. I have to find my inner strength and take life one day at a time. I am strong! I am striving to change, trying so hard to be happy not only on the outside, but more importantly on the inside as well. I cannot let my depression control me, I will overcome it … I will find myself again.

Once hope is chosen, anything is possible!

Hitting bottom

NEVER; and I do mean NEVER, have I felt this depressed in my life! I can't stop crying, I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus on anything ... all I seem to do right is cry! This has been going on since FRIDAY! I didn't know a person could produce these many tears! I wouldn't exactly call it crying, more like weeping! I'm a mess!!! I pathetically called Bart Monday bawling, and he came over and took me to his apartment. I didn't do anything but sleep ... which is what I needed. Okay, so I cried and cried before falling asleep on the couch. He called my mom (at my request), and told her what was going on and she came down on Tuesday. Last night he stopped by after work to find out I wasn't better, but worse. He and my mom talked me into doing something I NEVER thought I would do. I went to the emergency room. Bart has suggested I go in the past when I would have bad anxiety attacks, but I never could. I always thought (even though I know better) they would commit me. But, I went.
My Mom took me. They made her wait in the waiting area when they took me back which I found odd until I got to my room. They put me in the "purple zone". Had I not worked at the hospital before I would not have known the emergency room was in four different sections, red (adult), blue (overflow and admissions), green (pediatric), and purple (phychiatric). And where was I? PURPLE!! After they locked up all my clothes and belongings and the nurse asked me some questions they let my Mom come back. She walked in my room and I started crying and told her where I was. She hugged me and said, "remember I told you that I wouldn't let them do anything you don't want." I dried my tears and didn't shed another the rest of the night. We were there for four long hours!
I saw Dr. Pepper (no lie, that was is name!), who was SO nice. He said it's no wonder I was feeling like I was with everything I was going through. That made me feel better, somewhat. He left and the wait (the long wait) to talk to the crisis person started.
Thankfully I have the absolute best Mom in the entire world! (I don't lie when I say that! If you thought your Mom was, sorry ... it's mine!) She sat there in the freezing room with me keeping me entertained. Every time Dr. Pepper would pass she'd sing the "I'm a pepper you're a pepper" song from the old Dr. Pepper commercials and we'd both laugh.
Finally Sky came in ... she was the crisis lady. She was very nice as well. She had a list of questions to ask me, and then she talked to me. We spent about 20 or more minutes together. Then I was free to go.

I left with not only some prescriptions (I think I failed to mention I had weaned myself off of my meds), but I left with a clear mind. Sky said a lot that made sense. Finally I was told how to make decisions, the real decisions! It's funny, a lot she told me was things I needed to hear but didn't ask ... like the decision making. She said when making a decision, there are four things you need to look at ... your overall health, your heart, your head, and your spiritual being. She said that your spiritual being didn't have to be religious and that everyone had a spiritual being whether it was nature, art, or God, etc. For example ... If I do X will it effect my overall health? What does my head say? What does my heart say? If I do X, can I continue to grow spiritually? Makes a lot of sense to me!

Needless to say, I'm happy I went.

Living in a half empty house

Do you know how it feels to come home to a house that was once full of furniture, and one day it's virtually empty??
Where there was once a couch and coffee table is just emptiness, where there was once a big bed with tons of blankets and quilts, is pure air. Nothing to cook with, but things to eat on ... a blanket to sleep under, but still cold. A half empty closet that was once packed with clothes.

I've done my share (and then some) of crying today. Couldn't go into work because my depression has once again gotten a hold of me! I'm at the end of my rope yet again, I seem to find myself here often! I just hope I can find the knot to hold onto!!!

Depression NEVER goes away ...

When you have depression, you always have depression. You can have good days, you can actually go months and months without having a bad day, but it's inevitable depression will come out.
Not that I've had an easy few months (well, more than that), but I haven't had days where I just want to stay in bed and cry. Not until Wednesday anyway ... now I just can't seem to snap out of it. I'm on my medication (I've weaned myself way down on my Clonopin though), so why am I feeling like this??
I didn't sleep all that well last night, but I did sleep ... I got up this afternoon and just felt blah. I didn't feel like doing anything, it took all I had not to just go back to bed and cry myself to sleep. But after three hours or so, I gave in ... bed became my solice, and my tears just fled from my eyes. But did I feel better? Nope ... if anything I felt worse, so why crave doing something that makes you feel worse??

Life ... will it ever get easier??