Why me?

So Terry invites a friend (co-worker) over ... fine with us, he's a nice guy who worked for Bart before and then came back. He and Terry hit it off, and are like two peas in a pod.

It wasn't long before things were said that a person not in the medical field would know, and I knew this person had a drug problem. I didn't say anything, but I knew ... and thought maybe it was something from the past. Nope ... like I'd have that kind of luck!! He kept acting more and more like what I had seen before. He was then, taking things in front of our eyes and would argue that they were his. Then there's the not making any sense whatsoever. At one time he thought he was at work!!

Things got ugly ... and I do mean ugly ... dude got in my face and grabbed my arm as well as push me rather roughly!! (That's when Terry stepped in and got him outside and away from me.) I was ready to do damage ... NOBODY does that to me, I won't let a man treat me in that manner. One thing lead to another and we all agreed it would be best if he went home ... so Bart took him.

I get a call from Bart asking what his address was, he couldn't remember what house was his, nor did he have a key!! So I told him. Luckily his Dad came home, and all was well (as far as he was out of our hands). Bart explained what had been going on to the Father, he apologized, and back home Bart came to ring in the marvalous New Year!

Happiness

Webster defines happiness as good fortune, prosperity, and/or a state of well-being and contentment. Sounds good to me!
I look back, and I know there were times in my life where there was happiness ... but those days are very few and far between now. Unfortunately finding happiness now doesn't seem possible.

I've always been told when you think your life is bad, look around you ... so I do. I see happy people! People shopping in the store, maybe by themselves or they may be lucky enough to have a child with them. They might be using a calculator to add all the items in there cart so they don't go over with there purchase, but they're happy. I see people running, walking, biking ... all happy. Kids playing outside (since the weather has been freakishly warm for this time of year) laughing ... happy. When I look around I see happiness in everything, but me.

I've been told many times (mostly from my Mom) that we can be happy if we choose so. We control our mood. If only that were true! I think those who truly know this to be not true are people who suffer from depression as I do. I can wake up in the morning, not wanting to get up because I don't want to face the world and keep telling myself I'm happy, things are fine, I'm going to have a wonderful day all I want, but I am still depressed.

Where I'm going with this I have no idea ... I guess I just felt like getting that of my chest or something.

Google adds are back ...

So don't forget to give them a click please ... got to get those pennies! :) (They do add up!)

Thanks!

Slight detour

Last night Bart and I went to pick Terry up from work. Not sure why, but I asked if we could drive past Shyam's. I was surprised that Bart didn't argue or even ask why. So we did.

I'm not sure why I was expecting to see or get out of it, if anything it just hurt more. Just a dark house, and a lot of memories ... which of course brought a flood of tears!

So many tell me just to forget it, he'll come around when he's ready ... but for those of you who know me well, know I can't do that. And what if he's never ready? Then what? I grow old telling stories of this guy I once knew that meant the world to me and one day all communication with him ended? I can't do that!

I sent him an occasional message in hopes that I get one back in return. He never said to stop contacting him, so I haven't. If he did, I would. I just wish I knew what was going on with him, how he was, what he looks like (it's been a year +), where his life is going. I just want my best friend back.

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone had a joyous holiday! It simply didn't feel like Christmas here, but I didn't expect it too. I did; however, think Bart and/or Terry would put some Christmas lights up or something for me to wake up to, but I was sadly wrong.

We had a nice time opening gifts ... I got an electric guitar (telecaster knockoff), amp, a variety of pink picks, a pink amp cord, 2007 calender, socks, and snowman flip flops. That was all from Bart. Terry got me two matching frames one a purse, one a shoe, two decorative shoes, a purse clock with a small shoe at the bottom and a "hat box"(both which match my shoe powder room). We got gift cards from my father in law, which is what we wanted. So all in all, I guess it wasn't too bad. I just can't wait until it's all over and all signs of the holiday are gone!

I hope next year I'm more in the Christmas spirit!

Always at this time of year!

I know there are house fires at all times of the year, but it seems you hear about them more at this time of year.
Tonight (as I was doing my roots ... you should see the gray!) the phone rings; Bart answers, and the next thing you know he's high tailing it out the door with Terry behind him. His Dad had called because he heard on the scanner there was a fire with people trapped two courts from us. So there I am, waiting for my 10 minutes to be up to get the stuff out of my hair and I hear them squeal out of the parking lot. I then ran upstairs, quickly rinsed my hair (before the 10 minutes), threw on scrubs and a turtleneck, grabbed my stethoscope, portable neb, meds, and gloves, and was out the door. I too hauled you know what out of the parking lot to be greeted by car after car that was driving to watch! I just laid on the horn and hit the gas ... what did I care? My car still needs work and I wasn't going to watch!
There were people lined up both sides of the street as I pulled into the next court up and into a parking spot. There was a fire engine there tapped into the hydrant to hit the house from the side (it was an end unit townhouse). I grabbed some gloves, shoved them in my pocket, stethoscope around my neck and took off running towards the smoke. I got to the house and couldn't believe my eyes ... one the people just standing watching (call me weird, but I found that disrespectful to the family who's home was on fire.), and two the hole where a window use to be in the upstairs bedroom. I noticed that the fire fighters were walking back to the trucks, taking off there helmets, etc so I walked up to the closest truck to inquire about the situation. Luckily working at the hospital, I've met a lot of the fire/rescue people due to working in the ED. The informed me that it was over, there were just a few people in making sure it was definitely out and also checking out the house next door (thankfully it didn't spread).

The unfortunate part is a child (age 15) died, his twin brother with a mental handicap started the fire (he's known for starting fires). I hate hearing things like this no matter the time of year, but around the holidays it always makes it so much harder!

The Year Of The Anti-Christmas

There are no stocking hung by our chimney with care, our halls are not decked with bows of holly, and there's definately not any fa la laing to be heard! I just can't do it ... there's no way I'd survive an actual Christmas this year! This years Christmas had way too much that was suppose to be that's not, and no matter what I do, or how hard I try .... I can't forget what could have and should have been. One of the biggest if not the biggest mistakes I've ever made ... but as they say, live and learn. I haven't gotten to the learning, I'm just trying to live. I know someday the past will be the past and not haunting my present and future and I'll be able to live my life happily. But until that day ... I unfortunately have to try and escape reality in order to sustain sanity.

Shopping in B'more

I spent the past two days in Baltimore, which was a lot of fun, not to mention a VERY nice getaway! We went Christmas shopping for my friends girls, which of course knowing me was tons of fun because I'm a kid myself! :) We saw some gorgeous homes, with very tasteful simple decorations for the holiday ... and then we saw some homes that were decorated a bit too much (to say the least).
I had a wonderful time shopping, wrapping gifts, and enjoy good company!

Baltimore

Like I've said before ... I love big cities. Call me crazy (especially with my anxiety, etc), but there's something peaceful about them! Driving to visit Dano Sunday evening, coming around the turn where I can see the skyline of Baltimore all lit up just makes me feel good! Driving past the Inner Harbor with all the Christmas lights out and people walking, just makes me feel alive. Driving past all the swanky hotels, decked to the hilt just makes me feel at home. There's something about a city I just love!

I'm lucky enough to live so close to two, really three (NY) cities ... I just wish I could visit them more often. Or better yet, live in one! :)

It's almost that "wonderful" time of the year

This year has flowen by, I can't believe it's December, let alone mid December!! The weather has been mild, we haven't had snow (just a flurry), and it doesn't feel like Christmas is in slightly over a week! It might have something to do with our house being a Christmas free zone, no tree, not even a wreath on the door! I just couldn't do it, as much as I love decorating ... I couldn't do it. To think last year at this time, we were anxiously awaiting our picture and history of our daughter. She got an ornament (or two), gifts, outfits, etc. I know I personally looked forward to this year as a wonderful year. I thought it would be full of the laughter of a child, the pitter patter of little feet, and the joy of parenthood. I looked forward to decorating for the holidays, making cookies, sharing traditions, and making new ones.

Part of me wants to put up a tree and lights, and all the beautiful decorations I have, but then I'll just be reminded of all I don't have and thought I would have.

Just another inspiring quote

"Knowing is not enough, we must apply. Willing is not enough, we must do."
-Bruce Lee

The house hunt continues .....

Even though I'm in love with the Cape Cod that I've been in love with for MONTHS, we're still just standing still.

Part of me wants to move, own a house, have a yard, have more room, etc. Then there's part of me that wonders if right now is the time considering all we're going through as a couple. And of course there's leaving the neighbors. One side, nice but annoying dogs ... the other side uber nice guy that we've become good friends with, and I so would hate to lose him as a neighbor. How do you know when you move you'll even like your neighbors?? I know that's a chance you take no matter what .. but still.

Then there's my marriage ... I don't like using that as an "excuse" not to buy a house, but if we're already having trouble wouldn't a house add extra stress??

Who knew buying a house would be this much stress?? And I'm usually the one who likes, sees, and then buys!!

Starbucks - The Way I See It #183

Improvisers don't look at change as an obstacle; we look at it as fuel. we know that the next great idea lies just on the other side of the change. We are contantly asking ourselves, "What can I do to incite change?" Well
- John Sweeney
(Speaker, trainer and author of Innovation at the Speed of Laughter.)