When will it be over?

How much longer am I going to see families, children playing, think of traditions, etc and not get depressed because that's never going to be me??? Our townhouse backs to the common area which is right beside the playground, so there are always kids of ALL ages behind our house. We've spent a lot of time out on the deck and have gotten to know some of the kids by playing baseball, football, etc with them, and when we're not playing we always watch and cheer them on from the deck. Sometimes there's not a game going on and it's just kids playing, and I just sit and watch .... daydreaming almost. Sometimes I wonder if people look at me and think I'm a little strange always watching kids play ... but that's what today's world has gotten to, and I'm not giving in when I'm doing nothing wrong. Anyway ... so there I sit, laughing and smiling at there little giggles. Wishing so badly for one of my own.

Today I was outside and I was watching a few kids play and it hit me like a ton of bricks .... at this time last year I was thinking this time next year I'd have a little girl to romp in the leaves with, to take to the pumpkin patch and apple orchard we go to every year. Well guess what ... didn't happen!!!! Call it what you wish, but as that hit me, I got tears in my eyes, then looked back to the playground which was ironicly empty .... but there was one swing still swinging, empty ... almost like a reminder of what could have been or something.

Christmas is coming up and once again, just like last year (but for a different reason), I am NOT looking forward to any part of it. Just like I was looking forward to this Christmas because I'd have a little girl, but yet .... nada. I have no idea how I'm ever going to get through the holidays this year! Last year was extremely hard, but that was with the knowledge that this year would be so much different. And yes, it is different .... but not in the way I was hoping for!!

Bart seems to be so unaffected by all of this, and here I am still crying over kids having fun! Am I that wrong? Am I selfish? When will I be able to move on? I want a child so badly and I just don't see it happening in the near future as I want it to, and that's something I'm having an extremely hard time dealing with!!!!!

HELP!!!!!!