I've discovered something ....

As I go to AA for support for a friend, I usually sit there waiting for it to be over, but today was different. It was as though they were all speaking to me, not that I'm an alcoholic by any means, but I left there with a new understanding of myself.

I'm a perfectionist, I admit it ... I've admitted it many times. Anything I do, I have to do it the best. When it comes to my art ... be it scrapbooking, painting, photography, etc ... it has to be done to the T! Many times I'm not happy with anything I finish because it's not perfect, I can always find something wrong with anything I've done. But for the past few years I've been trying to learn to just let it go.

A lot of people find humor in the fact I'm such a perfectionist when they look at my life ... not humor as in mocking or making fun of me, a good humor. I'm FAR from perfect, I'll never be perfect! I don't look perfect, I don't act perfect, I don't speak perfect, etc ... my life is FAR FAR from perfect. It wasn't until tonight something came to the surface ... it was something someone shared that had to do with what was read at the meeting. As I said, I felt as though they were all speaking to me, but this really hit home! He said he was a perfectionist, yet he was an alcoholic which isn't perfect. His life had problems and rather than fixing those problems in his marriage and his life he chose to find other people to help. DING ... lightbulb!!! That's me! I love helping people ... you need five bucks, here you go! I wouldn't call myself a people pleaser, because I'm far from that ... but put me in contact with someone who needs something, truly needs something and I'm all over it. It occurred to me that I have MANY problems in my personal life that I am choosing to ignore and not fix, instead I'm attempting to fix others. Kind of an earthshattering moment for me. Never did I see that.

I do get "feelings" ... not premonitions or anything, I'm not psychic, but I do get "feelings" that I am meant to do one thing or another, and I follow that. I feel it's the road I'm to take to get to where I am meant to be in life. But then there's just the fact, there's a person who needs something that I can help with ... no feeling that I *NEED* to do it, I just do it. I've been told many many times that I can NOT save the world, so stop trying. And that's true. I don't need to help every single person I come in contact with that needs something ... especially when I'm going to AA meetings where everyone needs something!!!! :)

So here I am, a perfectionist with many meant imperfections in my life that I either can't fix, or don't want to deal with (mostly it's don't want to deal with) .... so what do I do? I find others to fix. I'm not talking the people I feel I need to go to and help (the whole "feelings" thing), but just the average Joe that needs a buck or two, etc. Okay ... I'm sure you're thinking that there's nothing wrong with that, and little things like making a card for someone that needs it, or lending a few bucks to someone isn't. But I tend to take it a little further, take on their problems as if my own and fix them ... or attempt to. It wasn't until this meeting that the light bulb went off and it occurred to me that I do that. It's not healthy ... I need to stop! I can't help having that giving nature, and need to help ... but it is true, I'm never going to save the world one person at a time!