Life ...

Why is there so many speed bumps in the road of life? Let me rephrase that ... why are there so many speed bumps in THIS PHASE of my life?? It's just one after another, there's no smooth sailing, just bumps!

It's funny people can look at me and think my life is just perfect, I put on a great act for those around me. Of course there's friends and family that can see right through my act and know something is wrong, but for the most part ... I'm on stage. I always wanted to be on stage ... but not in this way, but this is my way of keeping my problems to myself and not worrying others with them. Believe it or not, I'm a very private person, and I hate burdening others with my problems. No it's not healthy to keep everything bottled up until I explode, but it's how I've become over the past 31 years of practice. I'm trying though, I'm finally being honest in therapy which I hate, but hopefully it will help. Saying I have a problem or that something that is going to sound SO minor to someone else is really eating away at me makes me feel so weak. Everyone has problems I know, and having problems doesn't make you weak ... but for me; personally, speaking of them makes me not only weak, but makes the problem more real and powerful.

Yesterday I went to see my shrink and my therapist. First appointment was with the Dr. He asks about how things are (small talk) and then about some personal things I have mentioned to him about my life. I was honest ... I told him it sucked. Then came the questions that I just love (I remember studying them in college) ... the questions to see if you're depressed and to what degree you are depressed. Of course I know what to say to make me look fine, but what's the point? So I'm always honest with him ... he finished talking to me, leaned back in his chair and looked me in the eyes ..... "I don't understand how you can come in here looking so good, acting so happy like life is going great. I'm sure everyone you pass thinks you have a wonderful life when infact you're crying on the inside." Isn't that the truth ... crying on the inside, that's putting it lightly! So then it was, I want to change your meds ... and we talk about all the options. Of course I told him I wanted to change nothing, I wanted off of everything, but nope ... he increased my Paxil. I go back in two weeks and we'll go from there. In the meantime I have to have my family doctor fax him some lab work, etc in case he needs to go another route. He said I once again amazed him with my attitude and smile when in fact I was standing on the edge of a deep depression. JUMP! (Just kidding) :)

After that appointment I had like 15 minutes until my therapy appointment. So being the prepared person I am .... I had taken a painting I'd been working on and a few chalks. So I sat down and worked on that. I also caught the attention of an adorable little girl (probably 3ish) who wanted to watch me. She was amazed and asked if she could help ... what did I care? It's chalks, I can fix whatever happens with those ..... so her little eyes lit up when I said sure! She had a blast and was adorable! We had a fun time!

So my therapist comes out and motions me back, and back I go ... I get the, "How are you doing" questions and I give me usual "fine" response. To that response I get .... "well that's not what the Dr. had to say". Stupid charts!!!! So it was out .... I had to talk! I told her there was so much going on I was beyond overwhelmed. So she said to grab something and talk about it, the first thing that comes to mind. Hmmm, wonder what that was! Shyam! She knows the history between us, so I didn't have to go through all that. I told her how he has been ignoring me and how much it was hurting me. I told her I talked to him on the phone once since he had gotten out of rehab and had gotten a couple emails ... but that's it. Of course I told her I blamed myself for him not talking to me, because obviously I did something wrong. I'm very surprised I talked about him the whole time without crying (saved that for when I got to my car). She said I need to stop worrying about it, and when he's ready he'll contact me. Right! Do you see me doing that? Am I the type of person that can just say, oh okay ... enough of that, when he's ready he's ready! NO!

I don't understand so many things going on right now .... why do I have to have so many bumps in my road?