My biggest fear became a reality

I've been batteling my depression with every ounce of strength I could find. I have been feeling so worthless, hopeless, alone ... I had no purpose, no reason to wake up. I couldn't control my crying, tears came without question, and they came often.

Finally I gave in, I called my mom. I had been avoiding her phone calls because I didn't want to start crying while talking to her, I didn't want her to know things had gotten so out of control. We talked, I felt somewhat better ... went and took a shower and put on clean clothes, well clean pajamas. Shortly after I had gotten dressed mom called to say she had called Brenda and she was on her way to take me to her house. I didn't want to go, I didn't want Kaylie and Nicholas to see me like this but it was either go or my mom was getting in her car and driving to me ... considering it was early evening and I live aproximately 6.5 hours from my parents I gave in. Brenda got to my house a little of an hour after I hung up the phone. She came into my house to find me on my couch crying. I felt awful, I tired so hard to be strong but couldn't fight back the tears. I'm guessing Mom told her that I hadn't been eating because she brought me a yogurt, a bottle of water, and some cheese and grapes. On the way to drop off Socrates to Bart Nick called to see if we wanted anything from Dairy Queen. I said I was fine, but she told him to get us both a small Aloha blizard.

It was very hard to leave Socrates, he's always been such a comfort to me, but there was no way he could go to Brenda's since he doesn't get along with other dogs and she has three. Not to mention another dog would be a bit much. We got to Brenda's to find Brian, Kaylie, Nick, and a friend of Nick's in the basement watching Dodgeball. I really didn't feel like going down into a room full of people, but I did. I sat on the couch beside Kaylie (and her boxer puppy Marley) and Brenda sat on the other side of me and we had our blizards. I'm glad she ordered me one, it was very good (pineapple, banana's, and coconut). Soon I excused myself and went to bed. I had gotten some ambian from Bart, so I could hopefully get some sleep because I hadn't been sleeping ... maybe 2 hours a night if that. Every night I would have night mares and night terros and wake up soaking wet with sweat ... gross!!! Bart only gave me a few Ambian's because he was afraid I'd take them all in attempt to end my life. Sadly that had been on my mind a lot.

The next day Mom and Dad got to Brenda's. They had planned to come that day as they were going to go to Nick's baseball tournament that night and leave for Texas to visit Bryce for his birthday. I sat around all day crying, I kept going to my room (aka the guest room) in hopes nobody would notice ... that didn't work. A few times Mom followed me and sat on the bed holding me and wiping my face with a wet wash cloth. Even though I'm 33, it is so comforting to be held by my Mom and have her rub my back ... I guess it reverts me to my childhood. I'd cry and write ... writing always helps me calm down and gather my thoughts. I had a bit of a melt down outside ... I went out to get some air as I was fighting off an anxiety attack. Mom followed me, and unfortunately had to witness the inevatable. I paced back and forth on the deck in the rain until I couldn't any longer ... my legs didn't feel like they could hold me any longer. I wept with my head in my hands and I knelt in the rain. I had my Mom go to my bag and get me a Clonopin ... the first one I had taken in months. I then went to lay down ... within 10 minutes I was calmed down. Wonderful drug that is ... I just hate taking it because of being adicted and weaning myself off of it not so easily.

The following morning Mom tried to get me to agree to go to the hospital. Everytime she mentioned the idea I would instantly have an anxiety attack and start crying uncontrolably. I knew if I went to the hospital I would be admitted which has always been a big fear of mine. She left me in my room. I few minutes later I heard Brenda downstairs ask my mom to come outside ... she said she wanted to show her something. I got a really odd feeling, a knot in my stomach ... I felt naucious. I went downstairs, I saw my Dad and Nick sitting in the living room ... I opened the front door and saw a police car parked in front of the mail box at the end of the drive way. I slammed the door and didn't know what to do. I wanted to run ... I thought about going out the back door and leaving ... but where would I go??? I ran up the stairs into my room and locked the door. I went and sat between the bed and the wall and cried. I knew they had called 911 ... I knew what was about to happen. It wasn't long until my mom knocked and asked me to unlock the door. I opened the door to find my mom and two cops ...

More to come, I'm tired of writing .... :)