Okay, so I admit it .....

I'm not doing well at all! A year (or more) ago, I was at a place I had never been .... and a place I never wanted to return. My anxiety was at it's peak, I was depressed, and to top it off .... I didn't want and did not leave my house! I had to stop working (for obvious reasons). I got my meds straight (finally ... after a year of going back and forth with different meds and dosages) and started counseling. I started feeling more myself .... I even started back to work. Now here's the problem ......... I'm headed back there, to the place I don't want to go!!!

I'm not sure how or why, but I'm going ..... I don't want to go, but yet I'm going ... despite my fighting, my talking to myself, I'm going and I don't feel I can stop.

My anxiety is again at it's peak .... I'm having daily attacks, and nightly ones ... even ones in my dreams. I don't like going out of the house, and it's hard to be around more than 3 or 4 people. Yet I'm still working .... for now.

I've missed 2 days already because I was sick .... one more occurance and I get a VERBAL warning, then a written, etc. So what do I do?? I have to work!!! I have to work or our adoption is history! We need my income for that. But yet, working isn't helping me at all .... I need time off, but I can't call in without getting a warning. I feel if I had some time off to "gather myself" to gain inner strength I can kick this. But how do I do that when I HAVE to work. I could get a doctors note to cover my time off, but that won't do any good. I haven't worked long enough to get FMLA. I'm at a loss, which makes things worse ..... makes me worry about the next day I work, which adds to the anxiety, etc. It's a never ending process ... and honestly I'm sick of it.

I need time .... I need help!