Well, here I am ........ AGAIN!!!!! What's up with this? Okay, so I slept most of the day BUT I was exhausted from all the panic attacks I had throughout the day. So along comes 11 and I thought maybe a hot bath would relax me before bed. So that's what I did .... which it was relaxing, I love baths! Then to bed ...it's about midnight by this time. I took my meds, (which let me back up ... forgot my 2's so took them prior to my bath) and I thought I'd be good to go. Then Socs started his nightly I have to go out whine!!!! He's so spoiled! Of course he wouldn't want to go out when both Bart and I tried to get him to go out on our way up to bed. So I get up, and take him out .... and just head to the basement. I knew I wouldn't sleep and I had promised Bart not to keep him up tonight. So I got on at the Jungle where Dawn is changing things left and right ... finally the place looks welcoming! Go Tunester! I remembered about QVC, so I turned that on .... bought something I shouldn't have, but sleep deprived, drugged, and it's almost my birthday. We'll see what Bart says in the morning when he finds out .... it can always be cancelled; although, it's only 15 bucks over wholesale, so good deal if you ask me.
Where was I ...... oh ya. So I chatted online with some friends who were watching QVC and we made fun of the host, etc. In the mean time I was falling asleep. So I thought I should head to bed .... by this time it's a little after 2AM. I get in bed, Socs crawls in beside me, I snuggle up to Bart which felt nice because I was freezing. I was out in no time. The next thing I know socs is on top of me and Bart is shaking me saying my name. UGH! Panic attack in my sleep .... lovely!!!!!! I apologize and Bart rolls over like he didn't want to hear what was even going on. I didn't say another word, except some wispers to Socs who was a bit worried. Looked at the clock .... 230AM .... geez, I didn't waste anytime did I? But again, out like a light in no time .... just to wake myself (and everyone else in bed) up by sitting up yelling NO!!!! Another bad dream .... again, Bart says nothing, except mutters "jesus christ" (which is NOT to be said unless you're in prayer) and goes back to sleep I guess. No questions or comfort from him!!!! I wanted more than anything just to be in his arms and go back to sleep, but I knew better. I promised him I wouldn't keep him up, and I like to keep my promises. So I calmed Socs down again, got some warm socks, shirt and pants (my pj's wouldn't cut it in the basement) and here I am. It's 4AM and I'm in the basement ... trying to get some creative energy which I'm plum out of so I can scrap. I've never been so behind in my life!!!!! I have so much that needs done ... pretty much all of 2005 and then Matt's first year for Mo! I HAVE to have it finished before leaving for China. Because after that ... all my scrapping needs to be current. I also need to get back to making an adoption journal ... that's something I feel would be extremely important to her once she's old enough.
So what to do .... keep my exausted self up until Bart gets up for work then sleep. Bad idea because then I won't sleep at night. What the heck?
This isn't my fault. My increase dosage of Klonopin makes me tired (and clumsy), who knows what's causing my increased anxiety but I can't just stop it. I just wish there was somehow to explain to Bart so he'd understand. He's to that point where he's sick of it ... sick of my problems. Sick of me having attacks in the night keeping him awake. I shouldn't keep him awake when he has to get up and go to work, but he should give a little too! I'm just at my wits end and am clueless as to what to do!!!!!
