Oats .....

So it's 640Am and here I am eating oats. I just couldn't sleep ..... weird dreams, tossing and turning, having panic attacks in dreams that were in dreams. So strange. So I got up. No use tossing and turning. It's on the chilly side, and I was on the hungry side ..... I wanted oats. Luckily that's a staple in our house (note to self, I used the last of them). So I made them. I like them thick and lumpy .... brown sugar on top and a big glass of milk on the side. Don't even think about pouring that milk on my lumpy hot oats!!!

What a comfort food it is! It warms your body as it goes down, and also warms your soul. I can remember eating oats before school or on the weekends. I remeber eating oats with my Grandparents. I get my way of eating oats from my Grandfather .... a little oats with the brown sugar please! :)

I remember being told (or maybe saw it on a tv show or something) about kids in orphanages getting oats (porrage) every morning. I remember thinking how lucky they were! It didn't dawn on me that they were parentless, but that they got the yummy warm breakfast every morning.

It's the breakfast that just starts your day off right ....nice and warm!

Out again

I called out again for tonight .... I AM sick, so it's not a lie. I slept most of the day, and evening .... so now of course I'm wide awake. I have a cold .... a really bad chest cold. I could work, but I wanted a break ... so this gave me a nice one. Now let's just hope this is it for now!!!!!

I wrote to Bart (no I can't just talk to him about it) about what's been bothering me, etc. I told him about my feelings on my anxiety and how I'm scared of going backwards. He didn't write back ... he said he didn't know what to say other than he's sorry. I wish he'd say more ... but maybe there's not anything to say?

I scrapbooked tonight ... first time in a long time. The page isn't anything to write home about, but it's something, and it's finished. I need to get my butt in gear and get caught up on everything, but I'm just not feeling creative. I REALLY need to get my adoption journal on track! That's probably more important than anything right now.

Time off

Well, I slept like crap .... up with attacks and coughing. I guess I developed a chest cold last night! :( Well, even though I COULD have gone to work tonight I didn't .... I called out. I need a break from that place .... I'd like to call out tonight as well which would give me a very nice break! (I think if I did that Bart would have a fit though!)

He's so worried that I'm going to quit, which honestly .... I'd love to! Not totally, just go PRN and work when I want. But I know that's not something I can do now! I need to work, so we can afford the adoption .... with me working we have the money for the adoption and then some money to save. I know I have to work, but I just can't get that through his head.

I feel like I'm going backwards (healthwise) and it scares me to no end. I don't want to end up like I was, but the number of attacks I've been having tells me that's where I'm headed! THIS is why I want a break, not because I hate it and want to quit! Having a baby is WAY too important to me!!! I just look at my job as my pregnancy problems .... it's like morning sickness, etc. :)

The holidays stressed me out, so we all know that didn't help .... but now they're over so it SHOULD be smooth sailing. Key word there .... SMOOTH!

A simple touch

Once again, I'm at work ..... having a hectic night, the ED (Emergency Department) has been hopping!

I got paged while in peds doing a treatment on my kiddos up there for a treatment of another one of my patients on the other side of the floor. No problem, since I was just finished up and heading over that way anyway to start those rounds.

This patient is a little old man, a frequent flier here. He has end stage COPD and easily gets short of breath. I went into his room and there he sat huffing and puffing away. I smiled, told him to slow down his breathing and I'd get his treatment hooked up. I got him all hooked up and raised the head of his bed so he could lay his head back and get more relaxed. So he scooted back into bed and proceeded to talk to me between his labored breaths. He thinks maybe he had a bad dream ... he said he never remembers his dreams, but he said he just woke up and felt weird. I told him that was possible, and there was nothing to worry about, then we talked about that weird feeling .... he couldn't describe it, it's just weird in your stomach he said. I thought to myself, anxiety attack .... I know it well.

His treatment finished and I put his oxygen back on him and we continued to talk a little. He grabbed my hand and held it ... looked me in the eyes and thanked me for my time and my smile. He thanked me for calming his fears. Of course I smiled and said that's what I'm here for. He continued to talk .... holding my hand. I didn't mind ... I knew it was the talking and the simple touch that was helping calm his nerves. I asked him if he'd like me to stay with him for awhile, but of course he said no, he knew I had work to do. But still he held my hand and talked.

Finally, he let go ... rolled over and said he was going back to sleep. He was calm, and feeling better ... again thanking me.

It's funny how it's the little things that matter ..... it wasn't the medicine I gave this dieing man, but the time I gave to talk and listen.

Anxiety

Still ... this has been hard for me. The past month has been a real struggle and I can't figure out why. I did work a lot, which wore me out ... so that could be part of it. In working a lot, I missed dosages of my meds ... that's definately a part of it. Just general stress I guess.

I hate where I work, I hate it!!!! The people I work with (on most nights) are tollerable, but not the best. So it's not like coming to work is a fun thing. Things are done so backwards here ... nothing is done how one would think it would be. Respiratory does not have a good relationship with nursing, so that just makes things fun. Working in the "special care nursary" isn't anything special. It's not like working in the NICU like I did before. Varey rarely do we have a baby on a ventilator, or even nasal CPAP. If we do get a bad baby, they ship it out. The ICU ... joke! We don't have much of a say about anything ... basically do the vent checks every 2-4 hours and the 6AM gases. It sucks .... I'm a neb jocky! I hate it!!!

Then on top of it ... I'm having nightmares, anxiety attacks, etc DAILY and nightly. Bart doesn't seem to understand anymore ... or maybe he never did. Maybe his patience with my anxiety has just worn thin and he's had it. I feel as if he saw me getting better and now I'm going backwards and he blames me for it. The other night I was having panic attacks, etc and he actually told me to stop making things up in my head and I'd be fine!!!!

Okay ... so he's under stress as well. The adoption ... me working. I know he's afraid I'll quit and then we're screwed. Our rent is a lot more now and then there's the adoption. I can tell him untill I'm blue in the face I'm not going to quit, too much is at stake for that .... but I don't think he believes me.

I'm at a loss .... I feel lost .... I feel like I'm sinking ...........

Adoption news .....

We passed our fire inspection ..... barely! :) The fire alarm upstairs wasn't working, but luckily Bart fixed it while the man was filling out the paperwork. So we passed!!!
We have our final home studies in the next few days. Bart has his individual one tomorrow, and I have my individual one on Tuesday. Also on Tuesday we will meet with her together and she'll also meet with our refrence. Then .... onto the next step!!! I don't know if this is taking more time, less time, or what .... I'd like to know how on schedule we are. Being ahead of schedule would SO rock, but we all know that won't happen with my luck!

I'm SO sick of it

I have worked SO many freaking days in a row I'm about to go crazy! I hate this place .... I feel like I never leave!!! Thankfully tonight is the last for 5 days ... thank God!!!!!! Tonight has been such a nice night to be the last too!!!! I have gotten "yelled" at by a co-worker for nothing .... not answering my pager fast enough. PLEASE! Sorry, I was in a stat situation and then got paged for multiple treatments in the ED .... no time to call you back! EVERYONE knows I'm not one to not return pages ... so don't go there.

Then I'm sitting in the lounge taking my break and my other co-worker sits down and starts asking me why we (as in myself and another girl) feel like we're getting dumped on and not liked, etc. WHAT?? I've never said that, nor have I ever felt that. And trust me, if I felt dumped on you'd know it! It seems MANAGEMENT has sent them emails stating these things. So I might just have to have a talk with whomever comes in at 6AM! Don't even try and start things, and don't tell people things I have not said!!! I have to work with these people, so don't make things worse!

Okay... I'm tired, I'm moody, and I just want to go to bed. FOUR more hours ...........

Is convience worth it?

Is convience all it's cracked up to be? You go to the closest grocery store because it's convient .... yet maybe that's the one with the higher prices. Is it worth saving the extra time?

You work close to home because it's convience, but is convience worth it if you're unhappy? Is it worth driving less than 10 minutes to work rather than an hour or more and not being happy where you are?

Is convience all it's cracked up to be?