Anxiety

Still ... this has been hard for me. The past month has been a real struggle and I can't figure out why. I did work a lot, which wore me out ... so that could be part of it. In working a lot, I missed dosages of my meds ... that's definately a part of it. Just general stress I guess.

I hate where I work, I hate it!!!! The people I work with (on most nights) are tollerable, but not the best. So it's not like coming to work is a fun thing. Things are done so backwards here ... nothing is done how one would think it would be. Respiratory does not have a good relationship with nursing, so that just makes things fun. Working in the "special care nursary" isn't anything special. It's not like working in the NICU like I did before. Varey rarely do we have a baby on a ventilator, or even nasal CPAP. If we do get a bad baby, they ship it out. The ICU ... joke! We don't have much of a say about anything ... basically do the vent checks every 2-4 hours and the 6AM gases. It sucks .... I'm a neb jocky! I hate it!!!

Then on top of it ... I'm having nightmares, anxiety attacks, etc DAILY and nightly. Bart doesn't seem to understand anymore ... or maybe he never did. Maybe his patience with my anxiety has just worn thin and he's had it. I feel as if he saw me getting better and now I'm going backwards and he blames me for it. The other night I was having panic attacks, etc and he actually told me to stop making things up in my head and I'd be fine!!!!

Okay ... so he's under stress as well. The adoption ... me working. I know he's afraid I'll quit and then we're screwed. Our rent is a lot more now and then there's the adoption. I can tell him untill I'm blue in the face I'm not going to quit, too much is at stake for that .... but I don't think he believes me.

I'm at a loss .... I feel lost .... I feel like I'm sinking ...........