BAD day

It's been so long since I've had a bad day/night like today. Throughout the night I'd wake up from a dream in a panic, and of course it went on throughout the day as well. Panic attack city ..... I'd wake up having an attack, and cry myself back asleep, just for it to happen again, and again, and again .... you get the picture. Of course I had to work tonight (where I am now) so that just made things worse because I knew I had to get my act together before work. Knowing that just gets me more worked up and makes it all worse.

Thankfully Bart came home an hour early and was with me to help me get my head on straight ... he's always so good to me. And then there's Shyam who talked to me on IM while Bart was getting ready to leave and until Bart called me on his way home. What a lifesaver he is!

Tonight at work has been SLOW (knock on wood) so it's given me the time I need to get things together. I'm sill not 100% and I'd SO much rather be at home in bed with my husband than here, but it's life. As much as it sucks! I hate not being able to call out sick ... but maybe that's a good thing, maybe it gives me the push I need to work? But then again, maybe it's a bad thing ... not giving me the time I need to "get better".

All I know is this damn disease BITES!

IKEA baby

I SO love IKEA!!! It's such a fun place to shop!! Bart and I went today to check out there baby furniture. We got some GREAT stuff!!!!!! It's all unfinished, so it will need painted or stained white ... haven't decided yet. Tomorrow we are going to put it all together, I can't wait!!!!!!

We had so much fun shopping for the baby items!!!!!

Shopping and painting

Today while my mom and I went baby furniture shopping, my dad painting the ceiling in the nursery. I was going to have him do the walls as well, but decided the color in there looked just fine with the fabrics I had picked out. He also painted the baby bed that we had aquired. Looks great!!!! My mom and I got a lot of ideas, but came back with a couple sheets, a matress, and a matress cover. Of course some clothes for ourselves as well as a couple toys for the baby. :)

Brenda had dropped Nicholas over while we were gone, so he was here "helping" dad while we were gone.

Soon after I had gotten home I crashed in the bed (I had worked a 12 the night before and so I had been up for more than 24 hours). When I got woken up mom had made the curtains and hung them and started painting a flower on the wall!! WAY CUTE!!!! Everything is starting to come together so nicely.

Now if December would just get here!!!!!

Impatience

Patience is not a virtue I have ... so this waiting is KILLING me! The months are flying by ... June is almost over and is seems as though it was just May. Never in my life have I wanted the months to fly by as I do now. I just want my referral ... a picture of my baby, I want to know her name, where's she's from, her age, everything ... I just want a picture!

My parents are coming this week to help get the babies room ready. We need to pick out a color for the walls, paint, get furniture .... a lot needs done. I have a crib, it just needs refinished. I've tried to get Bart to go furniture shopping with me a few times and he shoots it down, he doesn't want to be involved. He keeps saying to just do it with my mom or sister. I don't want it that way ... I want him involved, I want him there picking things out with me. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to go shopping for baby things with my Mom and/or sister ... but I just wish he'd express an interest.

Finally the other night I kept at him until he told me he doesn't want to deal with baby things now ... he's not over Le Le. Frankly, I'm not either, but we need to move on. I think moving on will help him ... but who knows.

So I'll just continue to wait ...... when they said this is the hardest time, they weren't kidding!!!

Meet Bob ....

Finally a new car ... after looking and test driving A LOT of cars (including a mercedes) I (we) decided upon the Saab 93 fully loaded. I always name my cars (I'm weird that way) and I named this one ... Bob, Bob the Saab!

Rock on Bob!!!

Who would have known

One phone call ... one little girl, turns our lives inside out.

Bart receives a phone call from the adoption agency and tells him about a little 9 month old baby girl that is available now. She's special needs ... She was born with a cleft lip and pallet. Of course he's speechless and calls me right away. There I sat in bed speechless, is she "the one"? Is this the baby we've been waiting for?
Of course I had questions, questions he couldn't answer ... so he emails the adoption agency to get some answers. How severe, is she eating well, growing well, etc. What a long night that was waiting for answers ... of course I had to work, which was probably the best thing for me to do because it's not like I would have slept anyway.
The next day we get a picture of Le Le and both our hearts melt. We also got her "physical summary" which showed she is developing well. So now what?

Soul searching and prayer ... it's all we could do for days. That and a lot of crying. This little girl was beautiful and with a few surgeries she would be "perfect". But I didn't feel in my heart she was the one. I wanted her more than anything because I wanted a baby so badly. I wanted to help her, get her the medical attention she needed. But is that the right reasons to adopt a child? I couldn't convince myself it was. So sadly I told Bart I couldn't do it.

I'll never forget walking into his office telling him ... very matter of fact, I can't do this. I turned around with tears streaming down my face and left. Going up the stairs I look in at him and he had his head in his hands crying. I went to the bedroom and got into bed and just cried, hoping and praying I had made the right decision. It wasn't long until Bart came up and we held each other and just wept. For days we grieved over Le Le ... it was like we had a baby for a few days, we had a picture, we loved her ... then she's gone.