Even more ...

My original design ... I'm rather proud of it! :)

Such "purseonality"

My Mom and I have been on a purse kick ...

Appointment number one

Today I saw my therapist, Gail. Nice lady ... odd office, not at all what I'm use to. It's in Belpre, Ohio and is on the river in a nice home. Her office is a huge room with a desk, a couch, and a few chairs. Not to mention a bird cage with some kind of bird and her pug. The pug was cute, sat beside her and snored the whole time which I found rather distracting, but then again I'm ultra senstative lastely. I met with her, she asked some questions and then asked if it was okay to bring my Mom in. Not a problem with me ... I signed a release to allow her to speak with my Mom and she came back. I am so uncomfortable talking to people about my problems. Those of you that know me know that's always been a battle of mine. I can write about anything for hours, but sit me down with someone an expect me to spill my guts - forget it! I've seen therapists in the past as most of you know, and it would take me forever to ever open up to them and be completely honest. I don't know how much money I've waisted in the past because I would just tell them what they wanted to hear to get out of there. Defeats the purpose I know, but it was easier for me.
She pointed out while talking with my Mom and I that I had become nonverbal since my Mom came in. My Mom told her that I never tell her what's going on and I am great at giving the "I don't know" answer. She also asked if I had been talking prior to her coming in, which Gail told her I was. I felt awful, it's nothing against my Mom ... I just don't feel right bothering her with additional stress. She explained to both of us that I needed someone to help me monitor my depression because it's not something that should be done by me alone. She said that I needed someone that could notice the change in my mood and point it out to me and make sure I get the help needed. She said that when it's just me, I won't seek the help I should and end up in trouble again. She gave me some things for my Mom and I to talk about, and I made an appointment for next week.
All in all it went well. Of course I sat there crying while she told my mom some things I had said prior to my Mom coming in. It's hard to hear things I guess ... especially when they're being told to my Mom.

Family fun ...

Yesterday my Aunt and Uncle came to visit before returning home to MO. It's probably been a year since I saw them last, and 8 or more years since I had seen there grandson that was with them. It was nice to see them, and visit with them. My aunt, Mom, Vonshe, and I went shopping while Uncle Bruce and my Dad stayed home playing pool. We had fun shopping, I got some new clothes, and had fun with Vonshe and my Aunt Sallie. Vonshe is so grown up and as polite as he always was. After our shopping spree we went to my Uncle Stan's for dinner. I made my rustic summer squash tart as requested by my Mom, and we made orange sorbet which was so good! My uncle ordered German Pizza and got some pasta for me. Good food, good times ... wonderful family. We played cornhole and lader back golf which was fun ... even if I'm not good at either. We even had a birthday cake as it was my Uncle Bruce's birthday. It was a long exhausting day, but enjoyable. I love being around my family ...

My biggest fear became a reality - Part 2

After struggling with the cops, I found myself handcuffed sitting in a hot squad car going to the hospital. It wasn't a pretty sight getting me cuffed, I'm surprised I didn't end up arrested. 10 cops and 5 cars later I arrived at the hospital, embarrassed and scared. I stood outside of the nurses station in the ER surrounded by all these men in blue, hands behind my back, handcuffs way too tight. I felt like people were starring and talking about me, I felt very uncomfortable. I hated it ... I felt so alone and so lost. Finally a nurse came up to me to take me to put on my gown, thankfully one of the cops came over and took the cuffs off. I felt like a criminal when he gave the nurse a look and asked if she would be okay with me. We got to the restroom and the nurse apologized and said she had to watch me undress and put on the gown ... how embarrassing is that??? She asked why all the cops where there, and embarrassingly I explained what had happened and of course started crying. She was nice and comforting, and led me to my "room" after I put on my gown. I had a sitter, and hard restraints where on the bed as requested by the cops. Hard four point restraints! Thankfully they didn't put those on me, I could not have handled that ... it was hard enough being in the back of the squad car cuffed ... I felt like I was sufficating, it was hard to breath, I was totally helpless, I hated it!!
An hour or so later, they alloud my Mom to come back. I was sitting there drinking my ice water crying. It was nice to have my Mom with me. She hugged me and asked if I was mad at her for doing what she did. I was ... I understood why she did what she did, but I was still upset she did it. I've been in her situation before, and did the same thing she did ... 911. I couldn't blame her for what she did, it was a hard thing to do I know. She apologized and gave me a hug. She then told me that my Dad had taken Kaylie and Nicholas to get some subs before the cops came so they weren't there during everything. I was relieved ... I was horified that my niece and nephew had witnessed all of that! Later my Dad came back, then Brenda. Nicholas was in the waiting room, but I didn't want him to see me in the ER with a sitter and hard restraints on the bed. Brenda told me the same thing, Dad had taken them to get subs so they wouldn't be there ... I thanked her. She said they had been worried about me and asking if I was okay because they noticed I was not myself and doing nothing but sobbing. I felt awful ... I hate people worrying about me, especially my niece and nephew.

I met privately with the hospital therapist, he was very nice and I honestly answered all his questions. I let him know that I did not want to be admitted, but I knew how the system was, blah blah blah. He said he was going to meet with my family, talk with them and then he would make his decision of what he was going to do. He then said he wasn't going to lie to me, he was already pretty sure that he was going to admit me. He said I could either sign myself in or he would say I was a danger to myself and others and have me committed. The words "have me committed" sent shivers down my spine ... I was going to be committed, I was going to the mental ward ... my biggest fear was becoming ever so real. He left to go talk to my family, and I stayed there crying ... I knew what was about to happen, and that scared me!

Later he came back, he said he talked to my family and they were very supportive of me. I have a wonderful family ... I knew that. He gave me the paper to sign ... which I did, and then he talked to me some more and then went off to get my nurse to get me upstairs. Mom and Dad came back and kept me company until I was taken upstairs to my room. I hated that a security guard had to escort the nurse and I upstairs ... again I felt like a criminal when I wasn't. I cried the whole way to my room ... I felt like I was on parade through the hospital ... anyone that saw me knew where I was going, why else would someone have a security guard with them??

Domestication becomes me ..

I thought I needed a matching change purse, so I found a pink zipper in mom's sewing haven (aka the basement) and quickly put this together. I even added a silver WV charm on the zipper. :)

Rustic summer squash tart = YUMMMM

Mom had a Woman's Day magazine (August 1, 2008 issue) that had a lot of yummy looking recipes in it. Tonight for dinner I made rustic summer squash and not only was it pretty, but it was delish!! Below is the recipe ...


1 Tbsp extra - virgin olive oil
1 lb mixed summer squash, cut in 1/4 inch rounds
2 shallots, thinly sliced
2 tsp chipped fresh thyme or marjoram, plus sprigs for garnish
1 tsp chopped garlic
Freshly ground pepper
1 refrigerated pie crust (from a 15 - oz box)
4 oz Roquefort cheese, Gorgonzola or other good quality blue cheese
1 roasted yellow or red pepper (freshly roasted or from a jar)
1 large plum tomato, sliced, seeds removed
1 large egg, beaten

Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium heat. Add squash and shallots and cook, turning pieces as they start to color, 7 minutes or until crisp-tender. Remove from heat; stir in thyme, garlic, and pepper to taste. Cool to room temperature.
Heat oven to 400. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper; unroll or unfold the pie crust on the parchment. With a rolling pin, roll crust to a 13 inch round. Crumble half the cheese over crust to within 2 inches of edge. Arrange squash mixture, pepper strips, and tomato slices on cheese; fold edge of the crust over filling and brush crust with egg.
Bake 35 -40 minutes until pastry is golden. Slide tart, still on parchment, onto a wire rack. Crumble remaining cheese over top. Let cool before serving.

Enjoy ...

Amy Butler purse

Today I made (with the help of my Mom) a purse ... It is too freaking cute, and was simple to make! It's from an Amy Butler pattern (she has a lot of cute patterns, and beautiful fabrics) that Mom had purchased on one of her visits to a quilting store. She had purchased some Amy Butler fabric to make herself the small purse. We went to Jo Ann Fabrics where I got my fabric ... it turned out great!!! It has a magnetic closer, and four big pockets on the inside (yes, that's what the other picture is of above). A bit larger than my usual purse size, but I love it! If you're interested in making one for yourself, this is the frenchie bag. :)

For those of you who like to sew ... there are some free downloadable patterns http://www.amybutlerdesign.com/main.php?fl=1

I'll post pictures of my Mom's purse as soon as she finishes it. I also cut out fabric from my left over fabric to make a smaller one as well.

My biggest fear became a reality

I've been batteling my depression with every ounce of strength I could find. I have been feeling so worthless, hopeless, alone ... I had no purpose, no reason to wake up. I couldn't control my crying, tears came without question, and they came often.

Finally I gave in, I called my mom. I had been avoiding her phone calls because I didn't want to start crying while talking to her, I didn't want her to know things had gotten so out of control. We talked, I felt somewhat better ... went and took a shower and put on clean clothes, well clean pajamas. Shortly after I had gotten dressed mom called to say she had called Brenda and she was on her way to take me to her house. I didn't want to go, I didn't want Kaylie and Nicholas to see me like this but it was either go or my mom was getting in her car and driving to me ... considering it was early evening and I live aproximately 6.5 hours from my parents I gave in. Brenda got to my house a little of an hour after I hung up the phone. She came into my house to find me on my couch crying. I felt awful, I tired so hard to be strong but couldn't fight back the tears. I'm guessing Mom told her that I hadn't been eating because she brought me a yogurt, a bottle of water, and some cheese and grapes. On the way to drop off Socrates to Bart Nick called to see if we wanted anything from Dairy Queen. I said I was fine, but she told him to get us both a small Aloha blizard.

It was very hard to leave Socrates, he's always been such a comfort to me, but there was no way he could go to Brenda's since he doesn't get along with other dogs and she has three. Not to mention another dog would be a bit much. We got to Brenda's to find Brian, Kaylie, Nick, and a friend of Nick's in the basement watching Dodgeball. I really didn't feel like going down into a room full of people, but I did. I sat on the couch beside Kaylie (and her boxer puppy Marley) and Brenda sat on the other side of me and we had our blizards. I'm glad she ordered me one, it was very good (pineapple, banana's, and coconut). Soon I excused myself and went to bed. I had gotten some ambian from Bart, so I could hopefully get some sleep because I hadn't been sleeping ... maybe 2 hours a night if that. Every night I would have night mares and night terros and wake up soaking wet with sweat ... gross!!! Bart only gave me a few Ambian's because he was afraid I'd take them all in attempt to end my life. Sadly that had been on my mind a lot.

The next day Mom and Dad got to Brenda's. They had planned to come that day as they were going to go to Nick's baseball tournament that night and leave for Texas to visit Bryce for his birthday. I sat around all day crying, I kept going to my room (aka the guest room) in hopes nobody would notice ... that didn't work. A few times Mom followed me and sat on the bed holding me and wiping my face with a wet wash cloth. Even though I'm 33, it is so comforting to be held by my Mom and have her rub my back ... I guess it reverts me to my childhood. I'd cry and write ... writing always helps me calm down and gather my thoughts. I had a bit of a melt down outside ... I went out to get some air as I was fighting off an anxiety attack. Mom followed me, and unfortunately had to witness the inevatable. I paced back and forth on the deck in the rain until I couldn't any longer ... my legs didn't feel like they could hold me any longer. I wept with my head in my hands and I knelt in the rain. I had my Mom go to my bag and get me a Clonopin ... the first one I had taken in months. I then went to lay down ... within 10 minutes I was calmed down. Wonderful drug that is ... I just hate taking it because of being adicted and weaning myself off of it not so easily.

The following morning Mom tried to get me to agree to go to the hospital. Everytime she mentioned the idea I would instantly have an anxiety attack and start crying uncontrolably. I knew if I went to the hospital I would be admitted which has always been a big fear of mine. She left me in my room. I few minutes later I heard Brenda downstairs ask my mom to come outside ... she said she wanted to show her something. I got a really odd feeling, a knot in my stomach ... I felt naucious. I went downstairs, I saw my Dad and Nick sitting in the living room ... I opened the front door and saw a police car parked in front of the mail box at the end of the drive way. I slammed the door and didn't know what to do. I wanted to run ... I thought about going out the back door and leaving ... but where would I go??? I ran up the stairs into my room and locked the door. I went and sat between the bed and the wall and cried. I knew they had called 911 ... I knew what was about to happen. It wasn't long until my mom knocked and asked me to unlock the door. I opened the door to find my mom and two cops ...

More to come, I'm tired of writing .... :)