Death

Something that we all have to deal with, and it's something nobody likes to deal with. Personally it's one of those taboo things in my life .... when there's a death of a loved one, I go through the motions, but don't really "deal" with it. It's something that's in my mind always, and thought about weekly, if not daily. To me, death isn't fair ... yes it's a part of life, but it's a part of life that's just not fair. When my Grandparents died, they were elderly and had Alzheimer's. My Grandfather was in his 90's, but even so it wasn't fair. They both lived a full live, lived to see there 7 children marry and see there 20something grandchildren born and grow up. They even got to see many of there great grandchildren born. But I feel I missed out, I missed out on having them see me get married, my husband missed out on meeting them. My Grandfather use to always say when I did something for him he'd dance at my wedding (that was his thank you). I couldn't help but think of him on my wedding day ... I know he was dancing, I just couldn't see it. I would give anything to have them alive and well today ... to spend time with, and learn more about them. I can still hear him singing and whistling, and I can still see my Grandmother in the kitchen smiling ... she had a beautiful smile. Then there's my aunt .... she died suddenly, nobody expected it ... just out of nowhere BAM she's gone!!!! We had a shopping trip planned, and dinner out for my birthday. Now that's not fair! She never got to see her first grandchild born, something she would have loved. She wanted grandchildren more than anything. Everytime someone leaves their blinker on when driving I think it's her saying hi ... I can't do anything but just look up and smile.And Amy .... 18 years old, thrown out of the car through the front windshield a week before her graduation coming back from visiting the college she would have attended in the fall. Amy had so much to give .... a talented athlete, an intelligent person, and one of the nicest people who was a friend of many. Her death was an awakening for me ... a time when I questioned God. All my life I had been taught how wonderful God was and all the great things he did and could do ... then he takes away my friend and spares the others in the car. Phone calls .... you always get the phone call when there is a death and for whatever reason when that phone rings you somehow know what the person on the other end is calling for. Your heart leaps to your throat. I've never understood that .... a sense we have, or at least I have. How any other time the phone can ring and you don't react that way .... but when it's about a death, you know it.